Monday, July 28, 2008

Love and Human Remains


Gyppo Byard's tale of knackersnagging brings to mind my old chum Andy Wislen.

Byard's punctured pods have rarely served as a point of departure for anything other than his brood of changelings, and I won't go the whole Proust either - although my association with Wislen was one of the most intense and significant alliances in the history of beret-clad freestyle drinking.

Suffice to say that Wislen, an adopted Canadian, killed some time before college chalking up life experience as an auxiliary with the then Metro Toronto Ambulance service.

North American universities believe that a month or two spent hindering medical staff makes for a better student, whereas we older nations know that using Thai tribesmen as bongs or steering your dad's car into local hedges is the ideal preparation for three years of scholarly inquiry and that job at the Vowel Prevention Agency of Wales.

The phlegmatic Canadians knew better than to let Wislen administer muscle relaxants to young ladies or take bottles of ether home with him, but they did allow the bushy thug out on calls to take notes, use the phone and assemble the mountains of doughnuts and pierogies that serve as food up there.

On one occasion he and the grown-up ambulance men were summoned to the house of a pallid chap who greeted them in his overalls. Some coy questioning revealed that he'd suffered lacerations to his glans, allegedly inflicted during some unwise and quite acrobatic car maintenance.

As Ambulator One questioned the victim in the hallway, Ambulator Two drew Wislen's attention to a vacuum cleaner slumped on the living-room floor like an odalisque on a pile of Ottoman princelings.

Number One told the pervert that he'd have to come to hospital for some serious shvantz stitching, and that they would need to inform his next of kin.

"Is that strictly necessary?" whimpered the beast.

"Given what you did to yourself with an imaginary stationary car, it's best that your loved ones (non-mechanical) know you're about to spend time in a building full of electrical wires, sharp metal and broomhandles," said Number Two, or words to that effect.

After some mewling, countered by graphic descriptions of bollock rot and Shaven Urethra Syndrome, the unnatural creature gave Wislen his wife's work number.

Trying not to imagine the Gorgon that would drive a man to such bellendery, Wislen dialled the number and asked for Mrs McSicko.

He explained who he was, and that her husband's oil-change misadventure meant a few hours at Toronto General dodging a big needle.

"Has he been dicking around with the vacuum again?" sighed the dear lady.

As a journalist, I investigated this story by the standard procedure of putting "bloke", "knob" and "vacuum" into the Intern Net. I found many well-sourced stories of men and at least one mum-of-three lying with a Hoover as with a woman.

This was an eerie experience, as most of my visitors arrive by kink-oriented searches anyway. Now I've unwittingly added domestic-appliance molesters to my one-handed readership profile.

Such statistics prompt me to think Wislen was not spinning a yarn, despite the bearded bastard's lifetime of bravura fibs (eg he helped to overthrow Milosevic years before it happened but "they" kept it quiet, he has pre-birth memories of at least one Kennedy Assassination, disobliging masseuses are in the employ of the Vietnamese Communist Party etc).

Have you come across an apparent urban myth only to find it might well be true?

Have you ever covered the Dyson in a moment of sherry-fuelled anomie?

If so, tell all - there might be a Channel 4 show in it for us.

26 comments:

Kevin Musgrove said...

During the eighties no copy of The Lancet was complete without a letter about "Male Domestic Implement Trauma."

No Good Boyo said...

You should meet Scaryduck, Kevin. He reads the British Medical Journal in search of seared scrota.

On the other hand, perhaps best to stay away.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Back in Grammar School we had a trip out to a medical museum to see various parts of the male genital anatomy pickled in formaldehyde. They couldn't warn us off masturbation without triggering a turf war with the priest who came in to teach us Scripture so this was the next best thing.

Gorilla Bananas said...

It's the obsession with suction power instead of texture that's the problem. Iranian men are too shrewd to make such an obvious error - if you google 'Rafsanjani + Raw meat' you might find something of interest. As for the mum-of-three, she sounds like the inventor of the "vacuum screamer", a device manufactured be getting the Hoover to blow rather than suck. Once again, I leave you to do the googling.

Gadjo Dilo said...

I can't think about the vacuum cleaner thing without feeling sick. Such people should be content with the deployment of fruit, which I've heard is also popular.

The turf war with the priest is very poignant. It's claimed, of course, that football* was organised and promoted specifically as an antitode to self-defilement.

That's association, of course, not rugby where frottage is compulsary.

Gyppo Byard said...

Now look here chaps - willing,and indeed proud though I am to label myself as a colossal pervert, even I am not stupid enough to think that a high-powered vacuum cleaner is an object of desire. The forces involved are simply too great for what is, after all, a rather delicate part of the anatomy.

It is therefore indeed a matter of enormous irony that I managed to do myself a bizarrely comparable injury without misadventure and without even a moment's passing pleasure to show for it. I had heard the Canadian story from Boyo's own lips before, and that was one of the things that made me particularly - and rightly - nervous about presenting myself at A&E.

No Good Boyo said...

You were right to be nervous, Gyppo. Danglers and ladygardens unspeakably frightful, and ought to be a matter of shame and psychological trauma to all who possess or think about them.

Thus will our society overcome its decadent obsession with self-gratification and lithe oriental women, all the better to apply its fevered energies to righting the wrongs of the world - by peaceful means, if necessary.

The Victorians gave us the Raj and moustaches. We New Elizabethans have come up with the Lottery and piercings.

Kevin Musgrove said...

It was the women with moustaches that were most effective at preventing adolescent self-abuse.

Mrs Pouncer said...

I'm sorry, but I simply don't know where to look. This is one of the ghastliest things I have ever read. Only last month, I was gazing into McEvoy & Rowley's window, and I now worry that Gyppo might've been passing by and misinterpreted my interest. Can I just say that the liquidiser I was perusing was for pulping up puppy-food for our new Cocker? Honestly, this whole scenario is beyond reason.

SnoopyTheGoon said...

Most urban myths must be true. Otherwise life will be much less colorful. Grey and boring as that stuff you find in the vacuum cleaner's bag. Oops here I go again.

No Good Boyo said...

That sounds like the triumph of hope over mundanity, Snoop. Which puts you firmly among friends on this blog.

The Birdwatcher said...

You learn something every day. I've heard and seen of some pretty weird acts on rugby tour but the vacuum cleaner thing has passed me by.

Ordovicius said...

You've been tagged.

No Good Boyo said...

Ta Ordo, my first tagging - I'm honoured. Will get onto it shortly. Got the in-laws staying, so there's a Hague Tribunal bloke sniffing about.

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