The gleanings of thy harvest

Some readers will have surmised that charity in every sense of the word is a rare visitor to the House of Boyo. This would be a mistake. Our commitment to the Laws of Moses shines through in weekly acts of tsedakah:

• Big Issue sellers know Madame Boyo as the lady who hands out pocket editions of Trotsky and points them in the direction of the nearest gunsmith;
• My blog posts are feats of endurance in the spirit of Edith Cavell, both to read and to write; and


• Jehovah's Witnesses and Labour canvassers alike have often enjoyed our hospitality in the outbuilding that we simply call "The Bell Jar".

Readers would be right, however, to conclude that we have little time for the current crop of charitable organisations. I tend to agree with a colleague who favours only two petitioners with his largesse, these being the Royal National Lifeboat Institution and The Salvation Army.

There's something comforting about knowing there's a big boat full of big men somewhere out there, and the Sally Army is a sort of insurance policy for any keen drinker with an impatient wife.

We feel that the task of the blogger is not to jeer at more socially-attuned people but rather to drag them down to our level, and so here is the No Good Boyo wishlist of charities:

1. Oxfemme. This organisation seeks to guide Oxbridge gals like Gail Trimble out of their blue stockings and into garments at once more complicated and yet much flimsier. Chief Executive Officer: Mrs Pouncer.

2. Dr St Bernardos. Teams of burly dogs bearing barrels of brandy enrich and deepen the lives of orphans.

3. Waugh on Want. Dyspeptic High Tories rove the wretched places of the Earth - The Levant, Afghanistan, Kurdistan, Scotland - telling the slovenly locals to shut up, leave the livestock alone, read some hardback books and restock their wine cellars with decent but affordable claret.

4. Scopes. A group that campaigns to put the word "monkey" in front of most nouns on the grounds that this makes them instantly funny to the student community. For example: monkey tennis, monkey priest of Killybashangel, monkey nut, monkey puzzle and monkey man - low-hung or otherwise.

5. The Society of St Lynsey de Paul. A schismatic Catholic sect that venerates rather than condemns The Blessed Lynsey's 1970s recording career as one of the Seven Dolours of the Modern World. They run an Internet radio station that pledges to play "Won't Somebody Dance With Me?" over and over until The Vatican gives Cricklewood the same pilgrim status as Santiago de Compostela.

6. The Alex Higgins Trust. "The Hurricanes", as its members are known, are a band of Irishmen who seek to teach bookish homosexuals the virtues of drinking, smoking, billiards and the Ulster Fry.

7. Shelter-Skelter. Traps homeless people in cellars and makes them listen to rants about the secret meaning of Beatles songs.

8. Human Kites Watch. A dinner-party campaign to return Iraq and Afghanistan to the kite-adorned contentment that they enjoyed under Saddam and the Taleban. Patron: Michael Moore.

9. Interpal. Worldwide association of the "nice" halves of the "nice copper/nasty copper" partnership. Offers cigarettes and friendly advice to people who've just been thrown down a police station staircase in a sack.

I am happy to gather any contributions readers might want to make to these charities pending their establishment. Cheques and postal orders can be made out to "NGB" and sent to Banco Boiano, Skomer Island, Wales.