Autumn is upon us like a damp, slightly-aroused setter, and still no word from the BBC about my programme suggestions. Never mind, here are a few more. Channel 4 can have them too, if they like. I'm open to a Dutch auction, or indeed anything else Dutch except their dismal breakfasts. On the subject of which:
1. Danny Dyer's Hard Men: the poignant spam-faced professional Londoner travels to s'Achtengracht to get to know the hardest men in Holland's XXXX gay porn film scene. An interactive feature on digital called 'Danny Dyer's Old Mum' will see mildly-sedated female relatives of the downward-spiral star talked through proceedings, both on set and in traction, by "Backpacking IV" star Bent Vanderpump and a team of proctologists.
2. Your Thought For The Day: Radio 4's team of house-trained clerics on the 'Today' programme are obliged to answer questions from listeners, instead of cramming some twee homily into the day's events. This week Glasgow University's Dr Mona Siddiqui is asked "Have you considered a sabbatical at Riyadh Poly?"
3. Oliver's Army: Following his success in reminding the Americans exactly why they had a Revolution in the first place, galley urchin 'Jamie' Oliver brings his unique blend of matey condescension to feeding hungry squaddies worldwide. This week Jamie tries out his new vegetarian menu on the Armed Forces of the Russian Federation. Next week Heston Blumenthal devises a basic meal that Jamie can consume through an array of tubes in Moscow's Botkin Infirmary Intensive Care Department.
4. Meidl Madonna: Every orphan's nightmare Madonna Ciccone visits the Jewish mystics of Israel's holy city of Safed and immerses herself in the esoteric depths of Lurianic Kabbalah. Episode One: Madonna has her head shaved and is told to stand behind a wall and shut up, already.
5. Suor Angela: German Federal Chancellor and Theresa May-o-gram Angela Merkel enacts Puccini's opera Suor Angelica in the full habit of a Benedictine nun, albeit one fashioned from latex. Well, I'd watch it. If need be, I'd direct it.
If anyone knows any machers I'd be grateful for a tip-off. No one wants to spend the next few months watching Minnie Driver, except perhaps in a lunar module.
51 comments:
That's a nice picture of Angela Merkel. She's been on my "really shouldn't but probably would after only a pint or so" list for some time now, and I'll certainly be adding that one to my wall.
What do you find so objectionable about Dutch breakfasts?
Well said, Jon. I once wrote of Die Angela that she is "Dump, frumpy and grumpy perhaps, but the Bundeskanzlerin could easily pass for Theresa May if you've been relaxing at the Munich Beer Festival for a few days and feel lonely."
http://alfanalf.blogspot.com/2008/09/body-politic.html
A Dutch breakfast tells you all you need to know about that slovenly country. It has all the components that go to make a Great British Breakfast - pork, eggs, bread, etc - but prepares them as you'd expect of a hash-mashed matelot.
It's ham instead of streaky bacon, an egg boiled not fried, and bread in the form of a pallid roll rather than fried like God intended.
Still, they know what to do with herring.
Having published a picture of Frau Merkel's cleavage, I would say you have a duty, as a linguist, to suggest suitable German interjections for a man with his head between them to make.
"Die wachsen im himmlischen Garten"...
I find their chocolate sprinkles on buttered white bread make a good start to the day.
Sound, Kellie, although I'm not sure whose sprinkles you have in mind. I'll pass on your suggestion to Heston Blumenthal. Perhaps he can conjour it into a foam light enough to be dribbled into Jamie Oliver's gaping head wounds without causing major trauma.
Yum, and then raw mince and onions for lunch.
That's a heck of a mouthful, even for a German. I suppose it's more poetic than "Boo-woo-woo-woo-hoo".
Die Angela is a sophisticated and literary lady, as well as being a power house of both Christianity and Democracy, so any quest into the Cretan vale of her cleavage needs to be heralded in song.
Once your in there a bit of yodelling might be appropriate, of course, especially if you're trying to attract the attention of a rescue party or St Bernard.
Wouldn't the nun outfit hide her cleavage?
I don't think Offa's Dyke could hide that canyon of joy, Simon. And certainly not the cut of nun's habit I had in mind.
She's lost weight since having that latex outfit made. Clothes pegs would help and imagining where they should go is surprisingly good fun.
Inky, does the word Majestätsbeleidigung mean nothing to you?
I've got ideas for a couple of new series that the BBC could make based on two classic family films:
The Swiss Fancy Robinson: in which the entire nation of conflict-dodging, land-locked 'chocolatiers' explain why the Weakest Link star gets them so aroused.
The Magnificent Andersens: the celebrity sex-tape of Pamela and Hans Christian's honeymoon, as shot by Lindsey. 'Disappointing' - Nuts Magazine.
Ah, Boyo, it's good to be back, if only briefly, and sorry I missed your earlier 'Revolution: Televised', which was if anything even more excellent.
Good to see you in our midst again, Gadjo, and at last a comment that doesn't concern Frau Merkel embonpoint or eating weird stuff!
Your suggestions are eminently puntable, and I like the idea of matching surnames. How about "Asquith" - a BBC period bio-pic of the Liberal prime minister, starring Robin Askwith?
I've just picked up a dvd of the BBC 1977 version of "Count Dracula", with Louis Jourdan. I thought of you, for some reason.
Majestätsbeleidigung - er, some kind of cream cake? No worse than Der Spiegel's translating Squidgy (remember those Diana tapes?) into Tintenfischlein.
I'm hoping that at some stage Huge Fearnley-Witterings' series will visit Wrexham to blather on about guerilla gardening. It would be interesting to see what type of hedgerow garnish he would choose as the locals made him eat his car.
Inspirational. I think we should definitely do the "thought for the day" one.
My question to all of them, in hustings fashion, would be "In what conceivable way do your twee riffings on ancient fairy tales make the world a better place in any sense? Wouldn't we all be far better off if you all just shut the **** up?"
I see an independent Welsh film, Kevin: "The Car That Ate a Ponce".
As for TFTD, Gyppo, its denizens would repy "Well, you know, sometimes God is like a sanitised blood myth, shoehorned into a story about council estates/Muslims/etc". I suspect He's as weary of them as we are, and prefers Capital FM.
Question Grime. Instead of facing questions about pressing issues of the day (which they never answer anyway), politicians are asked by members of the public about which high class whores they're fucking, how many affairs they've had, which companies are putting cash and contracts into the pockets of themselves and their relatives, and why, and what do they really know about the room-sharing habits of senior cabinet members. To be chaired by the late Frankie Howerd.
'How about "Asquith" - a BBC period bio-pic of the Liberal prime minister, starring Robin Askwith?'
Or a biopic about Cindy Crawford, starring her porn-star namesake?
Sacky, I was not aware of this lady. Maybe she'd double up for a Joan Crawford biopic too. "Doubling Up: U-Bend Bitches" is perhaps more her line.
Pop, that's a splendid idea, and we certainly need more dead comics on the set. As for the Question Time politicians, the most odious gets to relaunch his career in France.
By the way, as a Germanist, how do you rate Mrs Merkel as a lady?
'Sacky, I was not aware of this lady. Maybe she'd double up for a Joan Crawford biopic too. "Doubling Up: U-Bend Bitches" is perhaps more her line'.
And perhaps Ms Jenaveve Jolie might want to play Angelina too. The former's only mainstream appearance - to the best of my knowledge - was a cameo scene in an episode of 'Entourage', which featured her briefly doing what has made her renowned amongst the mastubatory community.
I rate Ms Merkel as a lady in the same way I'd rate a bowl of solid, cold porridge on a cruel winter's morning. Das Maedel ist nicht mein Ding.
Mr Ash, I see that you're the sort of fellow that Al Gore did not have in mind when he invented the Internet. Thank God for the Dutch, eh?
Pop, given you're Caledonian roots I'd have thought cold porridge on a cruel winter's morning was precisely your Ding. Are there any other German lady politicians more worthy of a punt, would you say?
Strictly Rum Dancing. Like Strictly Come dancing but where the presenters, judges and contestants all have to down a bottle of Captain Morgan each at the outset.
Simon, it's got that Welsh feel. I like. The fighting would just happen.
Please, NGB - could you keep Madonna away, for a while at least?
We have enough meshuggenes of our own to keep us busy for the freaking millennium...
Boyo - po-faced communist hottie Sahra Wagenknecht can centralise my assets any time she wants.
'Mr Ash, I see that you're the sort of fellow that Al Gore did not have in mind when he invented the Internet'.
His wife would be particularly distressed at some of my online searches.
Achtung, Pop, she's a Total Thuringian Temptress! Goes to show that the Right doesn't have a monopoly on crackling.
I know what you mean, Ashy. I have a Hillary thang going on too. One of my favourite photos of the 1996 presidential election campaign combined Hill and Tipper in a way that lent itself easily to even my elementary photo-editing skills.
Snoop, I'd like Madonna to join the Breslovers and try to popularize that woolly-hat look.
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