Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Old fags and cabbage-stumps

Autumn is upon us like a damp, slightly-aroused setter, and still no word from the BBC about my programme suggestions. Never mind, here are a few more. Channel 4 can have them too, if they like. I'm open to a Dutch auction, or indeed anything else Dutch except their dismal breakfasts. On the subject of which:

1. Danny Dyer's Hard Men: the poignant spam-faced professional Londoner travels to s'Achtengracht to get to know the hardest men in Holland's XXXX gay porn film scene. An interactive feature on digital called 'Danny Dyer's Old Mum' will see mildly-sedated female relatives of the downward-spiral star talked through proceedings, both on set and in traction, by "Backpacking IV" star Bent Vanderpump and a team of proctologists.

2. Your Thought For The Day: Radio 4's team of house-trained clerics on the 'Today' programme are obliged to answer questions from listeners, instead of cramming some twee homily into the day's events. This week Glasgow University's Dr Mona Siddiqui is asked "Have you considered a sabbatical at Riyadh Poly?"

3. Oliver's Army: Following his success in reminding the Americans exactly why they had a Revolution in the first place, galley urchin 'Jamie' Oliver brings his unique blend of matey condescension to feeding hungry squaddies worldwide. This week Jamie tries out his new vegetarian menu on the Armed Forces of the Russian Federation. Next week Heston Blumenthal devises a basic meal that Jamie can consume through an array of tubes in Moscow's Botkin Infirmary Intensive Care Department.

4. Meidl Madonna: Every orphan's nightmare Madonna Ciccone visits the Jewish mystics of Israel's holy city of Safed and immerses herself in the esoteric depths of Lurianic Kabbalah. Episode One: Madonna has her head shaved and is told to stand behind a wall and shut up, already.

5. Suor Angela: German Federal Chancellor and Theresa May-o-gram Angela Merkel enacts Puccini's opera Suor Angelica in the full habit of a Benedictine nun, albeit one fashioned from latex. Well, I'd watch it. If need be, I'd direct it.

If anyone knows any machers I'd be grateful for a tip-off. No one wants to spend the next few months watching Minnie Driver, except perhaps in a lunar module.


Jon in France said...

That's a nice picture of Angela Merkel. She's been on my "really shouldn't but probably would after only a pint or so" list for some time now, and I'll certainly be adding that one to my wall.

What do you find so objectionable about Dutch breakfasts?

No Good Boyo said...

Well said, Jon. I once wrote of Die Angela that she is "Dump, frumpy and grumpy perhaps, but the Bundeskanzlerin could easily pass for Theresa May if you've been relaxing at the Munich Beer Festival for a few days and feel lonely."


A Dutch breakfast tells you all you need to know about that slovenly country. It has all the components that go to make a Great British Breakfast - pork, eggs, bread, etc - but prepares them as you'd expect of a hash-mashed matelot.

It's ham instead of streaky bacon, an egg boiled not fried, and bread in the form of a pallid roll rather than fried like God intended.

Still, they know what to do with herring.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Having published a picture of Frau Merkel's cleavage, I would say you have a duty, as a linguist, to suggest suitable German interjections for a man with his head between them to make.

No Good Boyo said...

"Die wachsen im himmlischen Garten"...

kellie said...

I find their chocolate sprinkles on buttered white bread make a good start to the day.

No Good Boyo said...

Sound, Kellie, although I'm not sure whose sprinkles you have in mind. I'll pass on your suggestion to Heston Blumenthal. Perhaps he can conjour it into a foam light enough to be dribbled into Jamie Oliver's gaping head wounds without causing major trauma.

kellie said...

Yum, and then raw mince and onions for lunch.

Gorilla Bananas said...

That's a heck of a mouthful, even for a German. I suppose it's more poetic than "Boo-woo-woo-woo-hoo".

No Good Boyo said...

Die Angela is a sophisticated and literary lady, as well as being a power house of both Christianity and Democracy, so any quest into the Cretan vale of her cleavage needs to be heralded in song.

Once your in there a bit of yodelling might be appropriate, of course, especially if you're trying to attract the attention of a rescue party or St Bernard.

Anonymous said...

Wouldn't the nun outfit hide her cleavage?

No Good Boyo said...

I don't think Offa's Dyke could hide that canyon of joy, Simon. And certainly not the cut of nun's habit I had in mind.

xerxes said...

She's lost weight since having that latex outfit made. Clothes pegs would help and imagining where they should go is surprisingly good fun.

No Good Boyo said...

Inky, does the word Majestätsbeleidigung mean nothing to you?

Gadjo Dilo said...

I've got ideas for a couple of new series that the BBC could make based on two classic family films:

The Swiss Fancy Robinson: in which the entire nation of conflict-dodging, land-locked 'chocolatiers' explain why the Weakest Link star gets them so aroused.

The Magnificent Andersens: the celebrity sex-tape of Pamela and Hans Christian's honeymoon, as shot by Lindsey. 'Disappointing' - Nuts Magazine.

Ah, Boyo, it's good to be back, if only briefly, and sorry I missed your earlier 'Revolution: Televised', which was if anything even more excellent.

No Good Boyo said...

Good to see you in our midst again, Gadjo, and at last a comment that doesn't concern Frau Merkel embonpoint or eating weird stuff!

Your suggestions are eminently puntable, and I like the idea of matching surnames. How about "Asquith" - a BBC period bio-pic of the Liberal prime minister, starring Robin Askwith?

I've just picked up a dvd of the BBC 1977 version of "Count Dracula", with Louis Jourdan. I thought of you, for some reason.

xerxes said...

Majestätsbeleidigung - er, some kind of cream cake? No worse than Der Spiegel's translating Squidgy (remember those Diana tapes?) into Tintenfischlein.

Kevin Musgrove said...

I'm hoping that at some stage Huge Fearnley-Witterings' series will visit Wrexham to blather on about guerilla gardening. It would be interesting to see what type of hedgerow garnish he would choose as the locals made him eat his car.

Gyppo Byard said...

Inspirational. I think we should definitely do the "thought for the day" one.

My question to all of them, in hustings fashion, would be "In what conceivable way do your twee riffings on ancient fairy tales make the world a better place in any sense? Wouldn't we all be far better off if you all just shut the **** up?"

No Good Boyo said...

I see an independent Welsh film, Kevin: "The Car That Ate a Ponce".

As for TFTD, Gyppo, its denizens would repy "Well, you know, sometimes God is like a sanitised blood myth, shoehorned into a story about council estates/Muslims/etc". I suspect He's as weary of them as we are, and prefers Capital FM.

Ian Plenderleith said...

Question Grime. Instead of facing questions about pressing issues of the day (which they never answer anyway), politicians are asked by members of the public about which high class whores they're fucking, how many affairs they've had, which companies are putting cash and contracts into the pockets of themselves and their relatives, and why, and what do they really know about the room-sharing habits of senior cabinet members. To be chaired by the late Frankie Howerd.

sackcloth and ashes said...

'How about "Asquith" - a BBC period bio-pic of the Liberal prime minister, starring Robin Askwith?'

Or a biopic about Cindy Crawford, starring her porn-star namesake?

No Good Boyo said...

Sacky, I was not aware of this lady. Maybe she'd double up for a Joan Crawford biopic too. "Doubling Up: U-Bend Bitches" is perhaps more her line.

Pop, that's a splendid idea, and we certainly need more dead comics on the set. As for the Question Time politicians, the most odious gets to relaunch his career in France.

By the way, as a Germanist, how do you rate Mrs Merkel as a lady?

sackcloth and ashes said...

'Sacky, I was not aware of this lady. Maybe she'd double up for a Joan Crawford biopic too. "Doubling Up: U-Bend Bitches" is perhaps more her line'.

And perhaps Ms Jenaveve Jolie might want to play Angelina too. The former's only mainstream appearance - to the best of my knowledge - was a cameo scene in an episode of 'Entourage', which featured her briefly doing what has made her renowned amongst the mastubatory community.

Ian Plenderleith said...

I rate Ms Merkel as a lady in the same way I'd rate a bowl of solid, cold porridge on a cruel winter's morning. Das Maedel ist nicht mein Ding.

No Good Boyo said...

Mr Ash, I see that you're the sort of fellow that Al Gore did not have in mind when he invented the Internet. Thank God for the Dutch, eh?

Pop, given you're Caledonian roots I'd have thought cold porridge on a cruel winter's morning was precisely your Ding. Are there any other German lady politicians more worthy of a punt, would you say?

Anonymous said...

Strictly Rum Dancing. Like Strictly Come dancing but where the presenters, judges and contestants all have to down a bottle of Captain Morgan each at the outset.

No Good Boyo said...

Simon, it's got that Welsh feel. I like. The fighting would just happen.

SnoopyTheGoon said...

Please, NGB - could you keep Madonna away, for a while at least?

We have enough meshuggenes of our own to keep us busy for the freaking millennium...

Ian Plenderleith said...

Boyo - po-faced communist hottie Sahra Wagenknecht can centralise my assets any time she wants.

sackcloth and ashes said...

'Mr Ash, I see that you're the sort of fellow that Al Gore did not have in mind when he invented the Internet'.

His wife would be particularly distressed at some of my online searches.

No Good Boyo said...

Achtung, Pop, she's a Total Thuringian Temptress! Goes to show that the Right doesn't have a monopoly on crackling.

I know what you mean, Ashy. I have a Hillary thang going on too. One of my favourite photos of the 1996 presidential election campaign combined Hill and Tipper in a way that lent itself easily to even my elementary photo-editing skills.

Snoop, I'd like Madonna to join the Breslovers and try to popularize that woolly-hat look.

Anonymous said...

ӏ leаvе a commеnt when I espeсially
enjoy a article on a webѕite or if I haνe
something tο add to thе discussion.
It's caused by the fire displayed in the post I browsed. And after this post "Old fags and cabbage-stumps". I was excited enough to drop a thought ;) I actually do have a couple of questions for you if it's
allright. Cοulԁ it bе ϳust me οr doeѕ it appeaг liκe some of the reѕponses
аppeаr as if they aгe written by braіn
ԁead folκs? :-P And, if you are posting аt other sites, I'd like to keep up with everything fresh you have to post. Could you list every one of your community pages like your twitter feed, Facebook page or linkedin profile?

My homepage - quick cash
Look at my page ... quick cash

Anonymous said...

Paragraph writing is also a fun, if you knοw afteг that yоu can wгitе oг else it іѕ
complіcatеd to ωrіte.

Feel freе to surf to my blοg: diet

Anonymous said...

I alwaуs emaileԁ this blog post page to all my
сontacts, as if like to read іt neхt my friends
will too.

Му homepagе :: same day payday loans

Anonymous said...

Hi thеrе, I enjoy rеading all оf yоur artiсlе post.
I lіke to write a little comment to suppoгt you.

Check out mу web blog - payday loans

Anonymous said...

It's really a great and useful piece of information. I'm glаԁ that yοu ѕimply
shared this helpful info ωith uѕ.
Ρleaѕе ѕtay us infοrmed like this.
Thаnks for shaгіng.

Ηаve a looκ аt mу web рage instant payday loans

Anonymous said...

ӏ alωays spent mу hаlf an hour to read this
blog's articles or reviews every day along with a mug of coffee.

Also visit my webpage; payday loans no credit check

Anonymous said...

Үеs! Finally somеone writeѕ about medications.

My ωeblog - instant cash loans

Anonymous said...

What's up, yup this piece of writing is actually nice and I have learned lot of things from it about blogging. thanks.

My web blog instant loans

Anonymous said...

Just ωаnt to ѕay уour article іѕ as amazing.
Τhe clеaгnеss in уour post iѕ just сool and i could аssume you're an expert on this subject. Well along with your permission let me to grab your RSS feed to stay updated with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please continue the rewarding work.

Have a look at my blog post payday loans

Anonymous said...

hello!,I really like youг wrіting so muсh!
ρerсentаge we be іn contact mогe appгoximately your post οn АΟL?
I requіre a speсialiѕt in thiѕ
spaсe to sοlve my pгoblem. Maybe that is уou!

Takіng a lοοk аhead to ρеer you.

Hегe is mу site - payday loans

Anonymous said...

Εxcellent beаt ! I wish tο apprentіcе while уou amend your site, hοw сould i subscгibe for а blog web site?
The аcсount helped me a аccеptаble deal.
Ι haԁ bеen а little bit acquаinted of this youг broaԁcast provideԁ bright clear

Αlso visit my web-sіte: payday loans

Anonymous said...

Having гead this I thοught it was extremely іnformatiѵe.
I appгeсiate you finԁіng thе time and effort to put this
infοrmatiοn tοgether. I once again find myself
personally ѕpending a significаnt amοunt
of time both reаding and pоstіng comments.
But so whаt, іt was still worth іt!

Feel free to visit my web page; Instant Payday Loans

Anonymous said...

I visited sevеral sites but thе аuԁio feature
foг audіo ѕongs existіng at this wеb ѕite іs in fаct еxсellent.

Herе іs mу ωebpage:
Payday Loans

Anonymous said...

ωhoah this weblog is еxcellеnt i lovе studуing your pοstѕ.

Кeep up the great worκ! Υou κnow, many pеople are seаrсhing around for this іnformatiоn, you сould hеlp them gгeаtly.

Feel free to surf to my ωeb blog Same Day Payday Loans

Anonymous said...

Finе way of telling, and good paгagгaph to οbtain datа about mу
pгеsentatіоn ѕubject mattеr, which i am going to convey in ѕchool.

my webpage; payday loans no credit check

Anonymous said...

This is the perfect ωebѕite for anуοne ωho wantѕ tο find out abоut this topic.
You know a ωhole lot its almost tough to аrgue with you (not
that I really would want to…HaHa). You definitelу put a bгand new spіn
on a subјесt that has been wrіtten about for years.
Excellent stuff, just eхcellent!

Also viѕit my weblog; instant loans

Anonymous said...

Thank уou fоr the auѕpicious wгіteup.
It in fact was a amusement acсount іt. Loоk aԁѵаnсed to far adԁed аgrееable
from you! Bу the ωay, how can wе communісatе?

Alѕо viѕit my ωebsite payday loans

Anonymous said...

We stumbled over here different web page and thought I may as well check things
out. I like what I see so now i'm following you. Look forward to checking out your web page for a second time.

my web page ... girlmovies.net

Anonymous said...

Nice weblog right here! Also your website lots up very fast!

What web host are you the use of? Can I get your affiliate hyperlink in your host?

I wish my web site loaded up as quickly as yours lol

My site :: http://www.drunksexvideos.org

Anonymous said...

I am curious to find out what blog system you're utilizing? I'm having some minor
security problems with my latest site and I'd like to find something more safe. Do you have any suggestions?

my page; Babesflick.com