Friday, April 25, 2008

One of Us! One of Us!


As prophesised in our ancient tomes of Silurian lore - The Red Book of Hergest, the Black Book of Carmarthen, the White Book of Eifionydd and the Blue Books of Treason - the lost lands of Lloegr, Cantre'r Gwaelod and America are returning to the well-upholstered bosom of Gwalia.

The workers, peasants and progressively-inclined intellectuals of the village of Audlem in Occupied Swydd Gaer (Cheshire) have raised high the standard of Glyndŵr in their flippery hands and cast down the tattered banner of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha-Battenburg-Mountbatten-Windsor- (I could go on).

Literally sickened by millenia of English rule, these plaintive rustics have converted to Welsh in order to seek salve for their Saxon-shriven shingles, buboes and agues.

As regular S4C news broadcasts make clear, the National Health Service in England has been largely given over the campaigns against the Tudor-given right to smoke fags and neck pints of rusty ale while eating your way out of a giant steak-and-kidney pie.

We in Wales, thank Annwn, still believe that a doctor is there to stitch your palms up against self-pollution and dispense pink pills to mad old women. Hospitals are for harassing nurses and comparing Friday-night battle-scars. Chemists exist to employ teenage girls for the maximum embarrassment of the smalltown STD and rubber-purchasing communities.

Our Audlem prodigals appreciate this, and have humbly petitioned to rejoin Wales. We in the Targeted Outreach Division of the Cymru Rouge welcome them, their hard-currency Post Office Savings books and their real shoes.

Soon all the Marches will embrace their new role as a Welsh Remilitarised Zone, thereby opening a great chasm of friendship between ourselves and our English neighbours.

We will however take some pleasure in turning down any application for Welshness from Telford. It will remain an English exclave in our motted, bailey flank. The London government will have our permission to ship in weekly consignments of pasties, teenage-pregnancy kits and tattoos.

Myn Duw mi a wn y daw.

23 comments:

Scaryduck said...

Speaking as a genuine 45% Englishman, I believe the correct term for these people is "SPLITTERS!"

Gadjo Dilo said...

I observed that this video extolling the glories of Wales doesn't show any of the people who live there - clever, that! heh heh ;-)

Gorilla Bananas said...

I never realised you allowed the English convert to Welsh. All the gorillas I know who did it spent years learning bawdy rugby songs to convince a Welsh rabbi that they were devoted to upholding the ancient traditions and what not. "Beware of carpet-baggers" is what I say. In years to come, everyone will be claiming Welshness.

No Good Boyo said...

Scary, what's the other 65%? If any part of you is Welsh, or you thinks it's Welsh, then expose it to sunlight and vegetables, then get back to me.

Gadjo, the Welsh Tourism Board are no fools. Once those earnest German caravaneers get here, it's too late.

GB, conversion to Judaism and are similar. Both communities maintain that it is not necessary to convert for respectively living a good life/disliking the English.

In addition, requirements for conversion vary by denomination/ sport. Liberal Jews and the Welsh Rugby Union require only a nodding awareness of the religion/country, whereas Orthodox Jews and the Anglesey Witchery Legion (Lleng Gwrachota Môn) demand full observance of various Mediaeval rites.

No Good Boyo said...

Sorry, that should be:

"GB, conversion to Judaism and Welsh are similar."

M C Ward said...

Is being Welsh the new being English?

There's a Mail on Sunday supplement article in that. A better man than me should wright it.

No Good Boyo said...

MC, most journos are on their half-term hols, so the potboiler articles are already being wheeled out. "Is Wales cool (again)?" is a favourite, and here it is as presented by Ordovicius:

http://this-is-sparta.blogspot.com/2008/04/return-of-cwl-cymru.html

Wales is definitely the new black, so the new England can't be far away.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Once those earnest German caravaneers get here, it's too late...

Yes, it does look like a lovely bit of Lebensraum, especially as it seems to be uninhabited. The Welsh are a beautiful people; I really think a picture or two of Charlotte Church, Shirley Bassey, Tom Jones, Daffyd Thomas, etc, would have not have gone amiss, and I intend to write a strongly worded letter about it!

Gyppo Byard said...

Nice to see that Scaryduck is apparently giving 110% in true managerial fashion...

Stay-At-Home Indie-Pop said...

Any chance of Welsh enclaves in the east of England being allowed? I'm thinking in particular of my home town of Market Rasen in Lincolnshire, which meets most of the criteria to qualify - Saturday nights are for drinking and fighting, the rugby club runs four teams, despite a population of 2,600 (though most players are thick-necked taty-diggers shipped in my tractor convoy from the surrounding farms), and there's an endemic sense of local but utterly unfounded pride. Please advise and we'll file an application.

Stay-At-Home Indie-Pop said...

That should be 'by tractor convoy', not 'my tractor convoy'. Regrettably, I do not own a tractor convoy.

No Good Boyo said...

Gadjo, you tell 'em! Personally I'd like Helen Lederer to be the official face of Tourism Wales, and so much more.

When the Cymru Rouge is fully entrenched, we will have a lively market of European liberal tourists longing to be mistreated by our short, busty lycra-clad policewomen, myself among them.

Gyppo, Welsh mathematics differs from English as does our gravity (see your own blog). It explains Neil "Bloody" Kinnock's complaint about his being the first member of his drab family "in a thousand generations" to attend university (Cardiff, Treason & Missed Opportunities Join Honours).

Mr Pop, Market Rasen sounds just what we want, especially if you can throw in the tractors. My hometown of Dolgellau is twinned with nearby Dunwich. What's more, it would give us a right to a "Welsh corridor" via Oxford and other nice places in order to supply our compatriots in the renamed Marchnad Rhesin with slate, chip fat and grievances.

Gadjo Dilo said...

...we will have a lively market of European liberal tourists longing to be mistreated by our short, busty lycra-clad policewomen, myself among them...

This is a classic ambiguity, Boyo, and one that throws up images in my mind from which I may never now be rid.

Malc said...

Telford - a bit of Shropshire that will be forever Birmingham.

Apparently it's not just Wales - Panic-stricken Geordies are flooding over the border into Scotland and the latest opinion poll in Berwick showed a large majority in favour of baling out of England.

a. fortis said...

Cymru Rouge? Hahahahaha!

You're right, plenty of people here in the U.S. seem ready to convert...

No Good Boyo said...

Hey Mr Syntax! Well done Gadjo, Mrs Boyo spotted that too. For the record, I won't be donning lycra or popping to Morocco for the operation anytime soon.

Malc, welcome! Do you think the Orkneys will do the same and opt to rejoin Norway? All that oil, fish and folksinging. Sounds delightful.

Croeso, Acqua! We're more "vitae" than "fortis" on this blog, but it's good to hear from the Californian chapter of Welshworld. My greatgrandfather is buried in Sacramento. A long story, which I shall write up one day.

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