Tuesday, April 22, 2008

St George's Day: An Apology

Welsh Police Apologise in Advance For St George's Day Violence

Text of report from Taffinfform news agency

Morgangrad (formerly Cardiff), 22 April: The Prif Forthwyl (Mattock-in-Chief) of the Tangnefeddwyr (Peacemakers - Welsh police), Chwyldro ap Ffistan, has issued a formal apology to the English community of Wales over the state-sanctioned violence against them on St George's Day.

"They's going to be right ffyct over again. Sorry," Ffistan told scuba-diving onlookers at the launch of Gwynedd's first underwater political prison facility just off Bangor.

St George's Day is marked by an official parade in Morgangrad, attended by the ambassadors of Ethiopia, Georgia, Greece, Israel, Montenegro, Portugal, Russia, Serbia, Canada, Catalonia, China and Ancient Anatolia, at which the Welsh artillery fight a human dragon kindly supplied by the Chinese Correctional Facilities Service.

Representatives of the English minority have long asked in a diffident sort of way whether it might be, you know, ok if they were to join in if that's alright with everyone.

Wales's Cymru Rouge government insists that the parade is a diplomatic event, and points out that it arranges an English Folk Day celebration every 23 April which the English community is encouraged to attend.

"They dress our people up as Morris dancers in Jeremy Clarkson masks, then drive us at pitchfork-point through the teeming streets of Bethesda," Dave Eversough-Sorey, chairman of the banned Plaid Sais (English People's Party) commented from his fissure in the Martyr Cerys Matthews Re-Edjucation Camp, Brymbo(formerly the National Coal Board slurry storage dump).

"This follows the three-day local mushroom festival and coincides with National Small Arms Practice Day," he went on, blinking uncertainly in the natural phosphorescence. "They are rarely that pleased to see us."

Cymru Rouge Youth League First-Secretary Dim Clem denied allegations that English Folk Day was little more than a pogrom-building activity for schools in the Ogwen Valley.

"The practical sections of the Welsh Baccalaureate Demographic-Realignment Module are carried out in the Demilitarised Zone (formerly Shrewsbury), especially as we can't get the Katyushas and cages of apes up the road to Bethesda anymore," he explained

In further developments, the official Welsh Commission of Welsh Human Rights has referred Eversough-Sorey's comments to the Director of Clandestine Prosecutions and Ministry of Food on grounds of "cockiness".

Dim Clem, the regional representative of the Rights Commission, Prosecutor's Office and Food Ministry, was adamant that the late [sic] Eversough-Sorey would receive a fair trial prior to his execution, as was also the case with the missing members of last year's Amnesty International monitoring team.

"We didn't eat them!" he concluded firmly.


Gorilla Bananas said...

Well, the English only have themselves to blame for not apologising for past misdeeds. Did anyone ever say sorry for Edward Longshanks or the innumerable "daft boyo" roles in English sitcoms? I have no idea whether the Welsh would accept it graciously, of course.

No Good Boyo said...

Hey GB, swift!

We Welsh never accept anything and are constitutionally incapable of graciousness, so the English would be onto a loser there anyway.

We have a sneaking admiration for Longshanks, but will never forgive him for making his fey son Prince of Us. If he'd taken the title himself and made Edward II King of England, he'd probably still be reigning today.

M C Ward said...

Are people of mixed parentage also targeted in this anti-English marauding? I have Welshness on my maternal side, but Anglo Saxon thuggery from pater - I believe I could have legitimately played rugby for Wales (if I'd had talent and about another six inches), but how does the Cymru Rouge measure Welshity? I'm thinking about if I ever have to move to the mountains because of flooding, etc.

Gyppo Byard said...

With all respect, Mr Ward, the Welshness required to represent the nation at sport consists of
a) Being really good at the sport, and
b) Once having met someone who might have flown over Wales at some point in this or a previous life.

A few years ago there was a *Maori* in the national rugby side, Mind you, he was good so nobody minded...

I am qualified to play sport for at least three countries. The only thing holding me back is a total lack of any talent or abuility at any sport whatsoever.

Gadjo Dilo said...

I was at school with Vinnie Jones*, who was allowed to play football for Wales simply because he was, at least when I knew him, The Only Gay in the Village. Only joking, Vinnie.....if you’re reading this. Mate.

* Yes, that's my 2nd best anecdote, and the quality's already decreasing fast.

No Good Boyo said...

Gadjo, respect due, tell more! Vinnie's memoirs give a moving account of his attempts to find any national squad to qualify for. All else fails, so he tries Wales.

He used to appear in an advert for South Wales Electricity, which I found amusing.

MC, you're mum's one of us, so if you stand still long enough you'll be captain of the football team. Llongyfarchiadau!

Rumour has it that if Michael Owen had been born a few hours earlier he'd have been delivered in Wrexham's Maelor hospital, not Chester. With full Welsh parentage and Wrexham on his birth certificate, he would only have been able to play for Wales. Ha ha!
Oh, hang on, that didn't happen. Bugger.

Gyppo, are your people still gathering clods of earth in order to make a country of your own called Laybynia? Good luck, mun.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Yeah, makes my skool sound infinitely harder than it actually was! Vinnie was 2 years below me, and, as my ruthness sporting gamesmanship was played out more on the chessboard than the football pitch, our paths never really crossed. Even then he was known for having an attitude problem, probably even before that phase had any currency.

Re the St George’s day pogroms, Boyo, I’d tell this Eversough-Sorey to stop whining if I were you. He should be happy. It’s about time the English remembered that having a culture of one’s own requires persecution and martyrdom, and stopped taking the easy way out by raiding the cultural treasure troves of others, e.g. curry, chips, lager, karaoke.

No Good Boyo said...

An independent Cymru Rouge Wales would not have allowed young Martyr Vincent Jones to waste his pent-up energy on athletics. He would have been given command of himself as an official Got-It-Alone One-Man Army, armed with a mattock and pointed in the general direction of Ludlow.

A good point, Gadjo. Eversough-Sorey must realise that we are helping the English find a new, resentful identity in the culture of complaint. Being large and successful just doesn't earn you credibility any more.

Dewi Harries said...

"Dim Clem" - very funny that.

Dewi Harries said...

....And of course the great Pat Van Der Hauwe qualified for Wales through his Welsh brother...Barry Van Hire...boom, boom!