Saturday, July 19, 2008

My Universities: Advertising


I graduated from University College Swansea (formerly the Swansea Jack public house) with a good degree in Bat Maintenance and Ruthenian Studies and have acted as if the world owed me a living ever since.

This attitude was entrenched a few years later when I found out that I could have spent a bit of cash and got myself a business masters with a guaranteed livelihood of hoovering cocaine out of geishas' navels on behalf of some spicily sinister Oriental corporation.

Among the careers I toyed with was advertising. I had been reared as a polished sociopath, so a job devoted to mocking the potato-faced British consumer in return for cupboards full of Krugerrands and posh girls seemed ideal.

The idea came to me one deep winter in Hendrefoelan, a student internment camp half a mile from the village of Killay in the clouds above Swansea.

Veteran leech piper Ward Cooper and I had marvelled at the uselessness of the TV advert for Start breakfast cereal. This consisted of Geordie athlete Steve Cram running up a glum fell somewhere, eating a bowl of Start on a drizzly ridge, then sprinting back down to Northern civilisation in his cagoule.

A heavy snowfall had led to panic buying, so by the time we'd trudged through the drifts to the local Coop for our weekly non-booze-and-fags shopping trip all that was left on the shelves was dog food, cat litter and row upon row of boxes of Start. After much soul-searching we bought two boxes of Start and some cat litter, just in case.

The checkout girl eyed us wistfully. We were good customers, and she would probably never see us alive again.

The jam-breathed locals of Killay were as surly a bunch of Morlocks as I'd ever met outside my immediate family circle, but no one could fault their almost-Martian survival instinct. Without wishing to offend the evil bastards at Kelloggs in any way*, Start was vile.

The recipe may have changed since 1984, of course. Perhaps consumer focus groups fed back some mood music about public disdain for sugar and damp cheeese lovingly infused into foam rubber. Who knows. By the time the snows had melted we were already pouring tabasco on the cat litter and pooling our ear wax.

Once the fever had passed, Ward and I retired to our chambers with two bottles of Don Darias and started work on a realistic advertising campaign for Start. Rather than avoiding the issue of its taste, as did the Cram ad, we decided to make its rankness a selling point.

The mid-80s were a puritanical time for the university left. Thatch was firmly in power, the Labour Party had taken a sabbatical from politics, the Socialist Workers were still harassing miners rather than concentrating on their natural constituency of creepy trustafarian students and suicide bombers, and women didn't have the vote.

The only outlet for the Roundhead tendency was in self-mortification. This meant listening to Paul Weller, pretending to fancy girls in leggings, and watching Newsnight. Ward and I felt that we could pitch Start to this drab demographic.

The campaign was simple. A 5-second guerrilla-style TV advert would burst onto your screen as if interrupting normal broadcasting. It consisted of a handheld camera three-quarters shot of pantomime socialist Dennis Skinner MP, The Beast of Bolsover. He would brandish an arms-length box of said cereal at the camera and bark "Eat Start, It's Shit!"

And that's it. No posters, nothing. Sociology students would be shovelling the stuff past their keffiyehs within weeks, we estimated.

At least that's the pitch we made in a letter to Kelloggs. A letter we unwisely wrote that very night and mailed to what I hope was the wrong address. Cornflake Superhero Captain Kellogg (if such he be) never deigned to reply.

I expect the letter is still whirling around in the seventh circle of the Post Office sorting room reserved for rifled birthday cards and anything with an official stamp addressed to the Kinnocks.

Disappointed by this lack of response, I slouched off into a career as a third-rate academic. Of which more anon.

(* phrase included on advice of my legal counsel, The K Man)

58 comments:

Gadjo Dilo said...

I was never desperate enough to resort to Start – we blended our own muesli in Sheffield University in the early 80s. But it reminds me of being told that “there's more nutrition in the cardbox box than in the cornflakes inside it”. One of those possibly apocryphal schoolboy factoids like “ABBA make more money for Sweden than Volvo”, or “all the characters’ names in Captain Pugwash are sexual euphemisms”.

Kevin Musgrove said...

"we blended our own museli in Sheffield University in the early 80s" --?!?

We made toast of the bread stolen from the geese in the park (all the really desperate and violent characters were vegetarians, otherwise we'd have had a crack at the geese).

I thought the Start advert was spot on: "you thought running through a feel in the rain was a miserable inhuman experience? Just wait till you try Start."

I live a mile downwind from the world's biggest Coco Pops foundry and it's no fun at all on cold, still days.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Sorry.

Running through a fell in the rain.

I was distracted by the thought of all those student field trips in the rain where the only consolation was young women in wet jeans.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Those were strange times. I recall thuggish-looking men, whose names I never learned, singing pop songs in cockney accents. Vile-tasting breakfast cereals should obviously be marketed as health foods, as noted by Woody Allen in Sleeper.

No Good Boyo said...

Gadjo, those factoids are training modules for boys who grow up into the men you find in pubs who assure you that a swan can break your arm with its wing, there are many similarities between the assassinations of Lincoln and Kennedy, and that they have "had" several of the less shopworn women cackling around a table of port and lemons to your left.

You pretty much walked into Kevin's muesli salvo. It was the "blended" that did it. With "mixed" or the more accurate "grouted" you might have got away with it.

Kevin, I imagined the subtext to Cramm: The Movie was "How, ah shoovel doon this beurl o Stort and have ti belt doon tha hill ti meck it ti thor netty in time, like", but your more Schopenhauerian reading has much merit.

Can a goose break your arm with its wing, by the way?

GB, the 80s were a bad time for music. The synthesizer did not live up to its early promise, ELO came to an end, and I got no further than Grade 5 in the piano.

As for marketing Start as a health food, the Satanic hordes at Kelloggs have read your mind:

http://www.kelloggs.co.uk/
products/other/
Cereal/start.aspx

I'm hoping you may comment on this intriguing story, by the way:

http://njjewishnews.com/
justASC/
2008/07/11/
from-monkey-to-man-and-vice-versa/

Gyppo Byard said...

Within my first week at university in 1983 (is it just me or is there a 40-something bloke theme emerging here?) I had been subjected to whitebait, pink gin and decent wine for the first time in my life. That's the joy of going from a West Midlands comprehensive to Oxbridge in one move for you.

On the downside, there was this burger van outside my college, advertised by the pools of multicoloured vomit that appeared on the ancient flagstones as the evening wore on.

The general ineffectiveness and insecurity of the fridges provided by my ancient seat of learning precluded major reliance on breaskfast cereal. but I did have a toaster. Many's the intense young woman who failed to be seduced by the invitation to come back to my oak-panelled rooms for "a bit of toast". Happy days, eh?

No Good Boyo said...

Poverty = cereal + toast at uni. I recall large amounts of peanut butter too, but that might have been for non-nutritional purposes.

Still, we were young and dumb enough to survive on this. And Brains SA.

Gadjo Dilo said...

You're right, I walked into that! Blending one's own muesli is not a druggie or swingers euphemism but, rather prosaically, involved purchasing sultanas, brazil nuts and jumbo oat flakes from a gentle, bearded man in the Students Union refectory.

I don't think Steve Cramm and Schopenhauer are necessarily mutually exclusive; maybe all philosophy should by lawbe written as Geordie dialect poetry.

Ouch, your polished sociopath comment has just hit me. I'm very glad that you've transcended this..... as Malcolm X once said "by any means necessary".

Kevin Musgrove said...

Oh the music...

The idiot next door who played the same Police record endlessly for two whole nights and who only stopped after one of my sociopath friends offered to remove a selection of vital organs with a teacup.

And the other sociopathic friend who got so fed up of his next-door-neighbours antics that he set up a repeat-loop of Jim Reeves songs, set the player to full blast and went away for the weekend.

And finally, the fist-fight arising from the argument as to whether or not Georges Martinù's sojourn in Hollywood influenced his later music.

Those were the days...

No Good Boyo said...

At Swansea the main entertainment was watching the rival Iraqi student unions slug it out. The walls of the docks were plastered with elegant, cursive allusions to the involvement of goats in their rivals' parentage. If I'd taken notes I could have become a Pentagon aide.

My neighbour, Mark "The Ferret" Ritchings, had his alarm clock wired up to his hi-fi, so that "Up On The Catwalk" by Caledonian sell-outs Simple Minds shifted foundations to a 500-yard radius at 0730 every morning. Until the climbing club gained access via his bedroom window and wedged his door closed. He slept in the bath and just sang a lot in stead.

Gadjo, how far do you think Immanuel "Fookin" Kant would have got on Tyneside?

Gadjo Dilo said...

Kevin, I think I was that idiot next door, except I was constantly trying to play the same 3 Beatles' songs on an acoustic guitar - more autism than music, really.

Aye, my father always found that German gadgie's name highly amusing, but he was too coy to say it in the proper German accent, like, so I never got the fookin' joke until 20 bastard years later man!

M C Ward said...

To me you're a first-rate academic. Everything I know about Dogellau, most of what I understand about Eastern Europe and the ex-Soviet Union, as well as the intellectual health of Welsh lefties, is all your work.

I hope you're satisfied.

No Good Boyo said...

You're too kind, MC. Perhaps I ought to have done Celtic Hellholes & Slavonic Bigots Joint Honours. I could certainly teach the course.

Gadjo, reminds me of the story about linguistic philosopher Prof Sidney Morgenbesser from Vanity Fair, via the righteous site of Prof Norman Geras:

He put his pipe in his mouth as he was ascending the [New York] subway steps. A policeman approached and told him that there was no smoking on the subway. Morgenbesser explained - pointed out might be a better term - that he was leaving the subway, not entering it, and had not yet lit up. The cop repeated his injunction. Morgenbesser repeated his observation. After a few such exchanges, the cop saw he was beaten and fell back on the oldest standby of enfeebled authority: "If I let you do it, I'd have to let everyone do it." To this the old philosopher replied, "Who do you think you are - Kant?" His last word was misconstrued, and the whole question of the categorical imperative had to be hashed out down at the precinct house. Morgenbesser walked.

http://normblog.typepad.com/
normblog/2004/01/philosophical_t.html

Mrs Pouncer said...

Both Mr Pouncer and I went to Art School (not the same one) and we were all far too bohemian to bother with breakfast! The very idea! Strong black coffee and the spongy inside of a benzedrine inhaler cut into tiny chunks did for us. (I had a thirst for knowledge; I studied sculpture at St Martin's College).

No Good Boyo said...

Mrs Pouncer, you share your contempt for breakfast with the Grecians. The Turk, however, eats heartily before rising from his cushions. Compare the size of their domains and ponder thereon.

Ian Plenderleith said...

I used to eat milk-drowned Start every morning while still living at home. I must have liked it, or I wouldn't have eaten so much of it, and my mum, the only other person in our house, certainly didn't eat it. Maybe on a miserable adolescent morning, imbibed to a soundtrack of Kajagoogoo, Paul Young and Matt Bianco on Radio 1, it was the appropriate thing to eat.

Elliott Broidy said...

Thanks for sharing your life journey.

Anonymous said...

top [url=http://www.001casino.com/]online casinos[/url] hinder the latest [url=http://www.realcazinoz.com/]casino games[/url] unshackled no set aside perk at the leading [url=http://www.baywatchcasino.com/]free bonus casino
[/url].

Anonymous said...

Have you ever considered about including a little bit more than just your articles?
I mean, what you say is fundamental and all.
Nevertheless think about if you added some great pictures or videos to give your posts more,
"pop"! Your content is excellent but with images and videos, this site could definitely be one of the greatest in its niche.
Excellent blog!

Here is my web blog :: Wholesale NFL Jerseys

Anonymous said...

Having read this I thought it was rather enlightening. I appreciate
you spending some time and effort to put this content together.
I once again find myself spending a lot of time both reading and leaving comments.
But so what, it was still worth it!

Feel free to surf to my web blog; nfl jerseys cheap

Anonymous said...

Hi there! This blog post couldn't be written much better! Looking at this article reminds me of my previous roommate! He constantly kept preaching about this. I most certainly will forward this article to him. Fairly certain he'll have a great read.
Thanks for sharing!

Also visit my webpage; Cheap NFL Jerseys

Anonymous said...

Just want to say your article is as amazing. The clearness in your
post is simply spectacular and i could assume you are
an expert on this subject. Fine with your permission
let me to grab your feed to keep up to date with forthcoming post.
Thanks a million and please keep up the rewarding work.


my blog :: Mario Lemieux Authentic Jersey

Anonymous said...

Hi my friend! I want to say that this article is amazing, great written
and come with almost all vital infos. I'd like to look more posts like this .

my web page - Cheap Jerseys

Anonymous said...

Ahaa, its good discussion on the topic of this article here at this web site, I have read all that, so at
this time me also commenting at this place.

My web site; More Help

Anonymous said...

I’m not that much of a internet reader to be honest but your sites really nice, keep it up!
I'll go ahead and bookmark your website to come back in the future. Many thanks

Review my site: Evgeni Malkin Jersey

Anonymous said...

Just wish to say your article is as surprising. The clarity on your put up
is simply spectacular and that i can suppose you are a
professional on this subject. Fine along with your permission let me to
grasp your feed to keep up to date with impending post.

Thank you a million and please continue the rewarding work.


Here is my blog: Look At This

Anonymous said...

Appreciating the commitment you put into your website and detailed information you offer.
It's great to come across a blog every once in a while that isn't the same unwanted rehashed information.
Wonderful read! I've bookmarked your site and I'm adding your RSS feeds to my Google account.


my homepage Visit Website

Anonymous said...

Hey I know this is off topic but I was wondering if you knew of any widgets
I could add to my blog that automatically tweet
my newest twitter updates. I've been looking for a plug-in like this for quite some time and was hoping maybe you would have some experience with something like this. Please let me know if you run into anything. I truly enjoy reading your blog and I look forward to your new updates.

Here is my site: Louis Vuitton Handbags

Anonymous said...

First off I want to say excellent blog! I had a quick question that
I'd like to ask if you do not mind. I was interested to know how you center yourself and clear your mind before writing. I have had a hard time clearing my mind in getting my thoughts out. I do take pleasure in writing however it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes tend to be lost just trying to figure out how to begin. Any ideas or tips? Appreciate it!

Feel free to surf to my web page; cheapjerseys01

Anonymous said...

I got this website from my pal who told me
on the topic of this web page and at the moment this time I am browsing this
website and reading very informative articles at this
time.

Feel free to visit my blog: http://www.earlylearningpreschool.com/

Anonymous said...

Great blog here! Also your web site loads up fast! What web host
are you using? Can I get your affiliate link to your host?
I wish my website loaded up as fast as yours lol

my blog ... Michael Kors

Anonymous said...

Fine way of explaining, and pleasant paragraph to get information about my presentation focus, which i am going to present in university.


my webpage: Sac A Main Louis Vuitton

Anonymous said...

Your means of telling the whole thing in this article is actually pleasant, all
can simply understand it, Thanks a lot.

Here is my page NFL Jerseys Cheap

Anonymous said...

fantastic submit, very informative. I ponder why the opposite experts of this sector do not notice this.

You must continue your writing. I'm sure, you've a huge readers' base already!

Also visit my web page Learn More

Anonymous said...

This site definitely has all the info I wanted concerning this subject and didn't know who to ask.

my page :: Air Jordan Pas Cher

Anonymous said...

My family members all the time say that I am killing my time here at
web, however I know I am getting familiarity all the time by
reading such pleasant content.

Here is my webpage: Michael Kors Canada

Anonymous said...

Just desire to say your article is as astounding.
The clearness in your post is simply excellent and i could assume you're an expert on this subject. Fine with your permission let me to grab your feed to keep updated with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please continue the gratifying work.

my web-site; Wholesale Jerseys

Anonymous said...

Does your site have a contact page? I'm having trouble locating it but, I'd like to send you an e-mail.
I've got some ideas for your blog you might be interested in hearing. Either way, great site and I look forward to seeing it improve over time.

Feel free to surf to my site ... Sac Guess Pas Cher

Anonymous said...

Hello it's me, I am also visiting this web page daily, this web page is really nice and the visitors are genuinely sharing pleasant thoughts.

Take a look at my webpage; Cheap NFL Jerseys

Anonymous said...

I am genuinely happy to glance at this weblog posts which carries lots of helpful information,
thanks for providing these information.

Feel free to surf to my web page: Abercrombie & Fitch

Anonymous said...

Hello to all, how is the whole thing, I think every
one is getting more from this site, and your views are good designed for new
viewers.

Look at my blog post - Chaussures De Football

Anonymous said...

Excellent blog here! Also your site loads up very fast!
What web host are you using? Can I get your affiliate link to your host?
I wish my web site loaded up as fast as yours lol

Have a look at my homepage; Abercrombie Et Fitch

Anonymous said...

If you are going for most excellent contents like I do,
only go to see this site all the time since it gives quality contents, thanks

My homepage - Louis Vuitton Outlet

Anonymous said...

I got this web page from my friend who informed me about this site and now this time
I am visiting this website and reading very informative content here.


Also visit my blog post :: Discover More Here

Anonymous said...

Sweet blog! I found it while browsing on Yahoo News. Do you have any suggestions on how to
get listed in Yahoo News? I've been trying for a while but I never seem to get there! Thanks

my homepage; Chaussure Air Jordan

Anonymous said...

Hello, after reading this awesome paragraph i am too happy to share
my knowledge here with mates.

my page; Look At This

Anonymous said...

My spouse and I absolutely love your blog and find a lot of your post's to be exactly what I'm looking
for. Do you offer guest writers to write content for you personally?

I wouldn't mind producing a post or elaborating on a number of the subjects you write in relation to here. Again, awesome site!

Check out my blog post Christian Louboutin Outlet

Anonymous said...

I'm extremely impressed together with your writing talents as well as with the layout on your blog. Is this a paid subject or did you customize it yourself? Either way stay up the nice quality writing, it is rare to look a great weblog like this one these days..

My site ... Nike Air Max

Anonymous said...

Link exchange is nothing else however it is only placing
the other person's blog link on your page at appropriate place and other person will also do similar for you.

My web blog http://hebem.ath.cx/MediaWiki/index.php/Benutzer:ArielRohr

Anonymous said...

This is a great tip especially to those fresh to the blogosphere.
Short but very accurate information… Many thanks for sharing this one.
A must read post!

Also visit my blog: Bonuses

Anonymous said...

This paragraph is genuinely a good one it assists new web
people, who are wishing for blogging.

Also visit my web-site; Recommended Site

Anonymous said...

I am actually thankful to the holder of this web page who has shared this enormous paragraph at at this place.



my page: Look At This

Anonymous said...

It's impressive that you are getting ideas from this article as well as from our dialogue made at this place.

my website; source

Anonymous said...

I think that is among the such a lot significant info for me.

And i am glad studying your article. However wanna commentary on few basic issues, The web site taste is
perfect, the articles is in reality great :
D. Good job, cheers

My web blog :: Air Jordan Pas Cher

Anonymous said...

I enjoy what you guys are up too. This type of clever work and exposure!

Keep up the good works guys I've included you guys to blogroll.

Look at my site :: Michael Kors

Anonymous said...

Hiya! Quick question that's entirely off topic. Do you know how to make your site mobile friendly? My weblog looks weird when browsing from my iphone. I'm trying to find a
theme or plugin that might be able to fix this problem. If
you have any recommendations, please share. Thank you!

Also visit my homepage Sac Guess Pas Cher

Anonymous said...

Howdy! Do you use Twitter? I'd like to follow you if that would be okay. I'm undoubtedly enjoying your blog and look forward to new posts.


My blog post - Nike Pas Cher *http://nysacpr.org/airmaxpascher.html*

Anonymous said...

Hi there just wanted to give you a quick heads up
and let you know a few of the pictures aren't loading properly. I'm not sure why
but I think its a linking issue. I've tried it in two different browsers and both show the same outcome.

My blog: Nike Air Max