Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Ross & Brand & Guildenstern

All day random people (parents; the still, small voice of calm, etc) have been throwing stones through my window wrapped in paper. Moreover, they've been ringing me up and saying "Boyo, you work in the media, what do you think about the BBC/Jonathan Ross/Russell Brand/Andew Sachs ansaphone/granddaughter scandal?"

To which I reply:

  • No good scandal has such a long name;
  • I don't work in the media, I am a medium; and
  • I refer you to the strapline of my web blog.

However, I do have some unsolicited advice. The BBC handles these matters badly. The Queen, Gilligan, Barbara & Yasser 4 Eva, phones-in, boycotting Gary Numan, you name it - the BBC always follows the same pattern:

  • Managers stoutly defend integrity of initial broadcast.
  • Managers actually watch initial broadcast.
  • Managers abjectly apologise for initial broadcast.
  • Someone called Jonty is sacked.
  • All BBC staff go on a "don't lie or be a bastard/don't say ffyc" course, run by an independent consultancy recently set up by Jonty.

This is not good enough. I advocate the No Good Boyo Damage Limitation Plan:

  • Emasculate.
  • Denigrate.
  • Escalate.

Applying these precepts would produce not the lukewarm brew the BBC has served up today, but rather a cracked mug of brick-red steaming bulldog defiance.

I donate this draft letter to the Governor-General of the BBC, Sir Lew Grade. He can use it gratis. If it works, I ask only a commission and the wiping clean of my personnel file.

From the Governor-General of the BBC,

My Fellow Britons,
I am flying in my private Zeppelin high above this Great Britain of ours. A catsuited minion - probably Oriental, certainly female - has brought to my attention various complaints about a broadcast on the Light Programme by the jesters Ross and Brand.

Their capers have long amused you, so I must admit to some annoyance at your red-nostrilled mewlings. Where is your patriotism? Having fun at innocent people's expense is an essential component of our national character, judging by the tele-visual programmes before which you eat your meagre suppers.

Has something changed since we slipped anchor at Ravello (that, and so much else)?

I taught Churchill all he knew, including his favourite slogan "Action Now". And so I am obliged by the yoke of history not merely to reply but also to respond:
  1. The radio programme of Ross & Brand is immediately to be transmitted live on BBC1 from 1800 hours until further notice.
  2. It is to be broadcast through the emergency services public address system in all market towns where sales of The Daily Mail outstrip those of Razzle.
  3. The programme itself is to be renamed "You Bleedin' Kant".
  4. Agaton Sax and his family will have a programme of their own, on which they will be welcome to accuse Mssrs Ross and Brand of regular church attendance, admiration for musicals such as "Miss Saigon", and use of hair-buffing products.
  5. I am the Queen of the Divan.
Yours, lighting a suspiciously moist Cohiba with more of your licence fees,

Lord Sir Lew of the Grade.


Greg Lewis said...

Could I just say how nice it is to see the name 'Agaton Sax' used in connection with a television programme.
I for one would welcome the return of this rather great Swedish detective.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Andrew Sachs also appeared on the BBC, didn't he? This is red-on-red friendly fire. You sort it out, Boyo, we'll just watch in the front seats eating popcorn.

xerxes said...

It's clearly important to have an opinion on this. Boyo, please can I borrow yours when you've finished with it? Oh, I see, there's a queue. OK, I'll wait.

Anonymous said...

send this to the papers , may be it would be good for an alternative read.
I am sick of hearing about it
Pity they didn't give as much space to important issue - like child poverty etc

Greg Lewis said...

It is a perfect story.
It's simple and involves numbers which rise conveniently in time for fresh news bulletins: two complaints, 154, 500, 10,000 - YES!
It's numerical pornography and it gets newsdesks very excited.

Gadjo Dilo said...

This seems a curious little story for the nation of Britain to be getting so het up about, if that be the case. But I imagine Brand (and maybe Ross too) is every middle-class BBC-watching housewife's (wholly ridiculous) idea of what a nice bit of rough should look like, so I'm sure he'll be forgiven by the license payers.

Is Lew Grade still alive?? He should watch where he's waving that cigar up in his Zeppelin.

xerxes said...

Gadjo, the cigar is OK: Zeppelins these days are filled with helium. (Boyo, sorry for the blatant plug.)

Mrs Pouncer said...

Oh, you are so boastful, Inky, about your helium triumph, but it is beginning to sound implausible, particularly with the squeaky voice you now affect. I suppose you regard that as advertising. "Listen to 'im!", the proles cry as they overhear you in Pret a Manger. "He's very big in 'elium, you know".

Boyo, I see the Prime Minister has now apologised for Jonathan Ross. What times we live in.

And btw, the anonymous Esperanto peddler accuses me of being Gyppo, saying we are never seen in the Oxfam bookshop at the same time. Also, he hates you. Go to Gyppo's and bone up, so to speak.

Ms Scarlet said...

"Boyo, I see the Prime Minister has now apologised for Jonathan Ross. What times we live in."

I read this as 'the Prime Minister has now apologised to Jonathon Ross' and it still made sense . . .

No Good Boyo said...

Welcome, Greg. When will Hollywood realise Sax's potential? And thanks for the introduction to your excellent blog.

GB, I've done my bit and shall join you in the stalls.

Inky, you are welcome to share the flack with me anytime. Especially if you bring your laughing gas.

Mam, croeso. How about community service for Ross and Brand among the feral youth of Maerdy?

Gadjo, I hope Lew is still alive or else I've just wasted a post.

Mrs P, Scarlet, I have seen Gyppo's post and written mine own. Nothing surprises me about these low Esperanters.

Greg Lewis said...

Thank you for the welcome, Boyo.

I was beginning to think that nobody else remembered dear old Agaton.

Kevin Musgrove said...

I could well imagine Sir Hugh Greene sending a missive like that to the assembled dissembling hacks of the Yellow Press and the 'Today' programme (today's smug bollock-wiping of John's & Jim's mates was afforded twice the air time as the Audit Commission report on the deficiencies of the new children's trusts' structures).

Remind me: it was Kenneth Williams who read the Agaton Sax stories on Jackanory, wasn't it?

Greg Lewis said...

Yes, it was and he used to do Agaton's aunt's screeching voice: "Agatuuuuunnn!"

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

That is the first time I have seen a line from Plastic Bertrand's one and only hit paraphrased. Well done.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Happy days. Thanks Greg.

Alistair Coleman said...

I, too, look forward to the mandatory "Don't ring up old people and swear at them" course.

If you're reading this Robert Mugabe: I'm really, really sorry.

No Good Boyo said...

Daphers, I'm preparing a post bearing another line from Bertrand's masterpiece as it's title. Eerie.

AS long as Agaton's charming grand-daughter turns up as part of the module, Scary, I'll be a happy camper.