Ross & Brand & Guildenstern

All day random people (parents; the still, small voice of calm, etc) have been throwing stones through my window wrapped in paper. Moreover, they've been ringing me up and saying "Boyo, you work in the media, what do you think about the BBC/Jonathan Ross/Russell Brand/Andew Sachs ansaphone/granddaughter scandal?"

To which I reply:

• No good scandal has such a long name;
• I don't work in the media, I am a medium; and
• I refer you to the strapline of my web blog.

However, I do have some unsolicited advice. The BBC handles these matters badly. The Queen, Gilligan, Barbara & Yasser 4 Eva, phones-in, boycotting Gary Numan, you name it - the BBC always follows the same pattern:

• Managers stoutly defend integrity of initial broadcast.
• Managers actually watch initial broadcast.
• Managers abjectly apologise for initial broadcast.
• Someone called Jonty is sacked.
• All BBC staff go on a "don't lie or be a bastard/don't say ffyc" course, run by an independent consultancy recently set up by Jonty.

This is not good enough. I advocate the No Good Boyo Damage Limitation Plan:

• Emasculate.
• Denigrate.
• Escalate.

Applying these precepts would produce not the lukewarm brew the BBC has served up today, but rather a cracked mug of brick-red steaming bulldog defiance.

I donate this draft letter to the Governor-General of the BBC, Sir Lew Grade. He can use it gratis. If it works, I ask only a commission and the wiping clean of my personnel file.

From the Governor-General of the BBC,

My Fellow Britons, I am flying in my private Zeppelin high above this Great Britain of ours. A catsuited minion - probably Oriental, certainly female - has brought to my attention various complaints about a broadcast on the Light Programme by the jesters Ross and Brand.

Their capers have long amused you, so I must admit to some annoyance at your red-nostrilled mewlings. Where is your patriotism? Having fun at innocent people's expense is an essential component of our national character, judging by the tele-visual programmes before which you eat your meagre suppers.

Has something changed since we slipped anchor at Ravello (that, and so much else)?

I taught Churchill all he knew, including his favourite slogan "Action Now". And so I am obliged by the yoke of history not merely to reply but also to respond:

1. The radio programme of Ross & Brand is immediately to be transmitted live on BBC1 from 1800 hours until further notice.
2. It is to be broadcast through the emergency services public address system in all market towns where sales of The Daily Mail outstrip those of Razzle.
3. The programme itself is to be renamed "You Bleedin' Kant".
4. Agaton Sax and his family will have a programme of their own, on which they will be welcome to accuse Mssrs Ross and Brand of regular church attendance, admiration for musicals such as "Miss Saigon", and use of hair-buffing products.
5. I am the Queen of the Divan.

Yours, lighting a suspiciously moist Cohiba with more of your licence fees,

Lord Sir Lew of the Grade.