Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Booze endormi

The mascara-streaked bombshell/site that is Mrs Pouncer's Counsel has hostessed a refreshing romp through readers' favourite cocktails. I recommend Gyppo Byard's heroically pedantic take on the Traffic Lights in particular.

Myself, I learned to make cocktails in Soviet Russia. This was an unfortunate choice, on reflection. Hence my party specials:

Северное сияние (Severnoye siyaniye - Aurora Borealis). One part vodka, two parts Crimean Sekt. Thus called because that's what you start seeing. Popular with sailors and date-rapists.

Ёршь (Yorzh - Stickleback). One part vodka, 3-4 parts zhiguli beer à goût. Thus called because it feels like you're swallowing one. A soldier's breakfast. Useful before and during Aeroflot internal flights.

Папаха Махтумкули (Papakha Makhtumkuly - Magtymguly's Beaver). Three parts arack to three parts buttermilk, strained through the insides of a sheep into a hat made from the outsides of a sheep. Using the same sheep is said to give best results. Drunk in the desert at dawn to ensure a good day's sleep. Thus called because that's exactly what it is.

Зааминский чай (Zaaminsky chai - Zaamin tea). Half a poppy-stalk's worth of opium sap, dripped into a cup of green tea by an increasingly friendly youth. A refreshing reward for village elders, available in the backrooms of chai-khanehs throughout the wartorn Zaamin district of remote Uzbekistan.

Бульбаш (Bulbash - Potatohead). A Belarussian cocktail. You hollow out a potato and fill it with potato moonshine. You give the potato to a Russian, who drinks the contents. Then a Ukrainian steals the potato. You thank them both. Then the Germans turn up.

Бакинские комиссары (Bakinskiye komissary - The Baku Commissars). An Azerbaijani apéritif. Two generous measures of Hungarian Eger Bull's Blood, or indeed any blood, half a bottle of Sumqayıt port, a pinch of gunpowder and a match. To be drunk flambé from an Armenian's skull.

Looking forward to seeing you all at New Year.


Gyppo Byard said...

"To be drunk flambé from an Armenian's skull."

A live Armenian's skull...

Anonymous said...

Ah, Zhigulevskoye (Zhiguli) beer. Known among my ex-pat friends in Moscow as "zhopalevskoe".

Russians seem to have a similar attitude:

No Good Boyo said...

Gyppo, I can see you've been there.

Dear Psycho, it is indeed a horror.

In Tashkent we called it "20-minute", as that's how long you had to get to a decent toilet/quiet irrigation ditch after drinking a bottle.

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

I'll never forget going on a Works Day Out in Poland with a coachload of locals, some of whom were passing around a flask of 70+ alc. vol. Spiritus Korektowany (don't even think about how strong it was before it was corrected) on the bus - at 9 in the morning. Polish builders are rarely seen without their morning can of Lech or Zywiec, as the rest of us are on our first cup of tea, but beer is considered a soft drink in Poland.

A "szarlotka" (Bison vodka and apple juice) is a good one, although it doesn't agree with Scotsmen. I think it was the wrong kind of apples.

Gyppo Byard said...

Spiritus. That's the stuff. Burns with a blue flame, if you're not careful. (See my comments on Mrs Pouncer's blog, passim)

Ms Scarlet said...

As we established at Mrs P's, I'm soft and a push over... Night-Nurse, Pro-Plus, and Brandy and Babysham.
I think it's the Babysham that tips me over the edge.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Two parts coconut milk to one part giant toad venom (Bufo Superciliaris). We call it "King Kong's Revenge"

Mrs Pouncer said...

Oh I say, I'm overwhelmed! How nice. Here are a few notes from my dear old Oma's notebook. I hoipe it's all accurate; just in from a good dinner at the French Horn and feelin g a bit fucked.

Nasenwarmer - simmer 2 bots light red wine and 1 bot brandy. Stir in half cup sugar, juice of 3 lemons, juice of 2 oranges. Reheat mixture and flame it. Serve while still flaming, adding more brandy if nes to keep flame going.
Lebensretter (for fainting fits) - heat together 1 bot Port and 1 bot Cognac. Add sugar to taste. Serve hot.
Papst - Put several lumps of sugar and the rind of an orange in a bowl with a cinnamon stick and 3 cloves. Add 3 bots Tokay. Steep for 24 hours. Serve chilled.
These are all genuine recipes from my dear old grandmother. She lived to be 68, so don't let anyone tell you that hard drinking is ruinous to the health. 68!

No Good Boyo said...

My father used to ferry dumb beasts to a Polish officer in Carmarthernshire, who had settled down with a farmer's wife. Of the farmer little was recalled. The colonel made his own wine, and gave it an Ulan kick by cutting it with Spiritus. My father usually woke the next day on the parlour sofa with a rug thrown over what remained of his clothing. Happy days.

What are the symptoms of giant toad poison, GB? Are we talking warts and delusions of princedom?

Mrs P, the Danube was created to ferry fine licquors to your Oma's rutted doorstep. I've not been to the Horn in years, not since I got very drunk one afternoon and was unable to extricate myself from the conservatory. Does The Queen still dine there?

M C Ward said...

The Basque is known for his combination of Coca Cola and bad wine, known as Calimocho I think. Absolute piss. Spoils the bad wine.

Anonymous said...

NGB, you might have heard about the MiG25 interceptor, known to NATO as the 'Foxbat', and to its ground crews as 'Gastronom'. The plane's radar needed copious amounts of alcohol to act as a coolant, which meant an assured supply of moonshine for the Soviet Air Force's grease-monkeys. I'm not sure what it tasted like, but all I know is that the MiG25's radar never worked.

Gadjo Dilo said...

I can't compete with this. I get through quite a lot of Romanian moonshine (got 2 more litres of it handed over to me last night, in fact). But Romanians, it seems, are obsessed by health. They always tell me how healthy it is - making the gesture for "it's healthy", which is sawing the stomach horizontally with your hand - because it's only made from the Fruits of Nature's Bounty. Bloody good it tastes too and never gives me a hangover. Now I feel I'm missing out though.

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И неудобно как-то. Среди моих ровесников как-то не принято быть девственницей, считаю что это нужно сделать с человеком, которого более не встретишь, так как твой молодой человек и вся эта возня может повлиять на отношения. Ну так считают.
Я хочу чтобы все было с ним, он не настаивал пока и темы мы ни разу не поднимали. Но мне ужасно интересно что это, но как заявить ему ?

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