Wednesday, February 18, 2009

My Universities: Intelligence Officer


"Sgt. Rock is going to help me
make the girl mine
keep her stood in line"

Sang the nudge-wink Wurzels of XTC in one of their clunky early 80s singles.

"Not if I've got anything to do with it, duckboy!" I bellowed thoughtfully. I decided to join the Army immediately to stop this witless NCO from doling out the dolly birds to Andy Partridge.

Leech-charming comic-maven Ward Cooper bumped into me and pointed out that I should put on some more clothes or at least stop thinking so hard about Hanna Schygulla if I wanted to reassure the recruitment board.

He also told me that Sergeant Rock was an American and therefore unlikely to oblige XTC with anything other than a concert tour of Nicaraguan Contra camps and a good nuking, but I was taking no chances.

Swansea University's careers officer regarded me with professional distaste. He wanted to help nubile drama students audition for burlesque shows, but instead he had gits with highlights seeking ways to inflict themselves on the "media" and me with my random inquiries.

"Need to be Army officer. Real Army, not Free Wales one, mind. Got to stop Partridge," I panted.

"I hate you," replied Mr Thomas. "I fought for this country in Korea and Malaya, plus a brief excursion into Thailand on my own. I got malaria, nad rot and pink eye, and some sort of squid set up house in my spleen. They had to drain it with a home-brewing kit up my old man. There was piss coming out of my ears for weeks.

"Still, I managed to kill a brace of Communists and render at least one species of antelope extinct. And I never made it past private. Why should the Army make you an officer, you feckless dilettante?"

"Going to get good degree, world owes me living. Buffed bod deserves tailored uniform. Natural authority born of Promethean self-deception. I could go on, but there's no time," I wheezed.

"Very well," sighed the jaundiced killing-machine before me. "Do you have any regimental preferences? The Welsh Guards? Household Cavalry? Afrika Korps? The Chaplaincy?"

The Chaplaincy had appealed ever since I'd read and profoundly misunderstood Kingsley Amis's "The Anti-Death League", but none of these legions seemed likely depots for my small armory of skills, which Mr Thomas had grimly summed up as playing the flute and speaking Russian, in that order of proficiency.

"You won't want the Education Corps, they spend their time teaching Fenlanders how to dress. So it's a marching band or the Intelligence Corps, Boyo. Which is it to be?" he posed.

I'd spent too many autumn afternoons of childhood trying to catapult toads into bandstand tubas to fancy fielding the incoming amphibians myself, so I opted for Intelligence.

Now I'd never wanted to go to college in the first place, having set my heart on becoming an urban shepherd - herding my flock through the mean streets of Treorchy, learning about life, and sharing my Georgian idyll with the Valleys folk as they shared their heroin with me.

But my father had advised me to try yet more education - "Give it a go, boy. You can't drive or use power tools, and you've never fought a wolf. There's nothing for you by here." - and I was a good son.

I'd been drifting through my studies of the Nikhuyaki (Нихуяки) existential-nihilist literary movement of the Russian 1920s in the unfocused expectation of postgraduate work and a sinecure writing stuff like "Experimental Diversion: (Road)Sign as Sign-if-I-er in the Soviet Highway Code of 1928" at a Slavonic semiotics department somewhere like Uppsala.

I usually drowned any doubts in Steppenwolf measures of Don Daas red, but the more I considered the Boyo blend of torpor and ignorance, seasoned with non-plutocrat parents, the more I was inclined towards finding an actual job. Shop-lifting, dancing for pennies and suicide apart, the Army Intelligence Corps suddenly seemed full of promise.

My knowledge of this fine body of fighting men was gleaned from Evelyn Waugh and "Ill Met by Moonlight", so I imagined myself dropped smart-moustached into rustic Illyria with gold sovereigns sown into my shalwar and a couple of cantilevered peasant girls waiting to wash my minor wounds after a hard day confounding the Communists.

"I know what you're thinking by that fanciful twirl of your upper lip and fecund motion of your Levis," snapped Thomas.

"Assuming the brass hats are mad enough to take you, they'll just stick you in front of purloined Soviet tank manuals and a stack of dictionaries in some Holborn basement and lose the key. Wednesday, 1400 hours, Room 15, there will be an officer waiting to speak to you. Dismissed!"

The following week I slipped into my best linen suit for a chat with Colonel Diamond of the Intelligence Corps. This was the first test: can I get through the whole interview without thinking of Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond, or at least not let it show?

Col Diamond was clearly trained not to react to ill-shaven young men with watering eyes. Even my "Our Man in Havana" attire didn't perturb him, although on beholding the majesty of his cavalry twill I saw I ought to have opted for a discreet blue pinstripe, stout tweed or at least a Pickelhaube.

He cantered past my history and personality with commendable sangfroid before drawing up before my knowledge of Russian, Russia and the Russians. "This is what interests us, Boyo," he barked cordially. "Gorbachev, perestroika, glasnost - watcher mecker it orl, eh?"

From somewhere I heard a fruity patrician accent reply: "Trouble with Ivan is this, sah. Perestroika and what have you sounds promising, but dissemblin' is second nature to your Communist - assuming he had a first one to start with." The voice was mine, as amplified by my employment aversion instinct. "Need to keep our eyes peeled and our guard up."

From the truffling noises billowing about Col Diamond's 'tache I gathered my analysis was in line with current military thinking. He also thought my flute-playing was a good sign - "keeps the spirits up, what?" - but then he'd never heard it.

We got along splendidly. As I rose to leave, Col Diamond asked "So if yer getter decent degree will yer join th'Corps or go orf and do yer PhD?"

"Join the Corps!"
I replied, rather taken with the idea in its own right. I had all but forgotten about my mission to stop XTC (and its breakaway factions like Shriekback, for that matter).

"Yer wrong!" he declared. "If yer've got it in yer, fer pity's sake get it out! Applies ter books as well as ter tapeworm. Otherwise yer'll regret it th'rester yer life and be no bally use ter anyone, sighin' fer yesteryear like some Frenchman. Here's how!"

The colonel was right. Just because I'm as stupid as I sound doesn't mean everyone else is. I learned a valuable lesson that day, one I've chosen to ignore ever since.

Girded with a double-first in Russian Expressionism and Innumeracy honoris causā - the highest honour the University of Wales can bestow without money changing hands - I took myself off to London to pursue doctoral research on Great Maritime Inverts of the Late Tsarist Epoch and gave no further thought to Diamond, derring or do.

One Russell Square afternoon a professor attended my lecture on Masturbation in the St Petersburg Student Imagination (I'm not making this up) and invited me for a celebratory curry. This tandoori night soon became a weekly institution, as we discovered common interests in smoking, Belorussian syntax, North Indian cuisine and slack-drawered undergrads.

Months passed in scholarly seediness before the professor pushed away the remains of our ox Madras, dismissed the second-year slatterns, cleared his throat and said "Don't quite know how to put this, but some friends want to know whether you'd still be interested in the Intelligence Corps. Fast-tracked to captain, minimal blanco-ing of your Sam Browne."

"Col Diamond?"
I ventured.

"Hmm." Perhaps the time to liberate the Letts had come. A good time could be had in Daugavpils with a quirt and some Swedish crowns.

"I'm interested."

A few days later I received a breezy letter asking whether I'd had enough of white Rastas, libraries and plain women in leggings and fancied a change. "Ra-ther!" I thought with a slap of the thigh, and called the number supplied.

"Fact is, Boyo, we've recently acquired this stack of Russian tank manuals..."





151 comments:

M C Ward said...

And thus the Cold War was won. Smart work, Cap'n Boyo. You make your village proud.

scarlet-blue said...

Russian tank manuals?

Is this rhyming slang for Russian porn mags?
Sx

No Good Boyo said...

I'd tell you more, MC, but then I'd have to kill you, all my readers and then myself.

Scarlet, we're talking T-34s not Shermans.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Had you been born earlier you might have been the T.E. Lawrence of White Russia. I can just imagine the Cossacks shouting "Boyo! Boyo!" after you led them on a successful raid against a Soviet troop carrier.

Kevin Musgrove said...

But did you sort out their plumbing?

Gyppo Byard said...

Military intelligence is overrated. During one of my encounters with special forces operatives under the coconut palms of the Malay Archipelago (this is absolutely true, and not a flight of fancy, I assure you), the snake-eating ones were lamenting that the previous day they had been in Medan and feared their GPS was on the blink because it kept giving them a grid reference in the Northern Hemisphere ("and everyone knows the tropics are in the south, like").

I pointed out gently that Medan is in the northern hemisphere. Only by a hundred miles or so, but definitely in holding-on-by-the-fingertips territory rather than somewhere you need to put double-sided tape on the soles of your shoes to avoid falling off.

"Yes" they said brightly "We realised that in the end..."

The same day feature the following surreal snippet of conversation:
SAS bloke: "Is this hotel safe?"
Smarmy Chinese hotel manager: "Absolutely, I guarantee it."
Me: "Could you just explain why there are bullet-holes in your front window?"
Manager: "Oh those! That was a one-off..."

Lesson learned: Never agree to help out the British government abroad in any capacity unless large amounts of cash, alcohol and peasant girls are guaranteed to change hands.

No Good Boyo said...

Never agree to help out the British government abroad in any capacity unless large amounts of cash, alcohol and peasant girls are guaranteed to change hands.

To which it's only fair to add "... in your direction."

GB, Lawrence was but one Welsh that the Empire was foolish enough to entrust with riling the natives. I too like to think of myself as the Saviour of Belarus, a post that still lies vacant.

Inky - gentleman scholar yes, tradesman no. That's why I haven't bought fresh socks in five years.

inkspot said...

Boyo, kind of you to anticipate my comment. Which is: Hanna Schygulla! Phwoar.

That's what you get for letting intellectuals hang around your blog.

Gyppo Byard said...

Boyo - yes indeed. You have either the eye of a contract lawyer or a bitter experience somewhere in your past.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Hanna Schygulla. The poster for The Marriage of Maria Braun. A seminal moment for me. I won't go into details.

The T34 was a fine tank. It should have been an honour to have studied it.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Oh, but p.s., congratulations for dodging the king's shilling!

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

Byard says "Military intelligence is overrated".

Military intelligence is an OXYMORON, isn't it?

Great story though, I hope this is going to turn into a series of the Adventures of Johnny Welsh. Why, oh why, does everyone I ever knew when approached by the spooks turn up for the interview in an Our Man in Havana suit? Perhaps because they were all recruited while reading Graham Greene novels on benches in St James's park.

No Good Boyo said...

Synchronicity strikes again, Inky! Just as you think of a comment, I reply.

Rather like that chap in Gravity's Rainbow whose trousers stir as whenever the Nazis launched a V weapon, but with fewer erotic and murderous consequences.

And my apologies to Kevin, to whom the answer should have been addressed.

Daphne makes an interesting point. I wore my linen suit as it was summer, and that's what I wore to impress. Perhaps the spooks schedule their interviews for the warmer months in order to flush out unbecoming attire.

In general I'm glad to see Frau Schygulla is well-appreciated. We need more of her, although ideally not poodle-permed in 1980s Italian flicks:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7osxo-9HXk

What sort of director is given Hanna and Ornella Muti and comes up with that?

Gadjo, you assume my answer was "no"...

(NB - No Good Boyo is an independent web blog that supports Jung)

Gadjo Dilo said...

Oh good grief, what's she performing in, The Alison Moyet Story?

Mrs Pouncer said...

Boyo and Inky: Hanna Schygulla - get over yourselves. I am sorry to say that this hasbeen chantooze now resembles a spoilt pear. I am sorry, but it is true. And Inky, she was a fave rave of Werner Rainer, which must mark her down as an eizel in your book, surely.

I often think I should've been snapped up by Mossad for Special Work. Can you imagine me and darling old Uncle Meir chachacha-ing to Joe Loss? Well, I can.

SnoopyTheGoon said...

Russian tank manuals are in vogue now. The simplicity, sturdiness and cramped living space made them ideal for Koreans traveling the long Siberian tracts.

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