Saturday, May 29, 2010

A Tale of the Extinguished Moon

Mad scientist and Laurie Anderson impersonator Professor Stephen Hawking has warned that there are aliens out there, and they may be less welcoming than the inhabitants of Llanfrothen.

When it comes to astronauts Hawking knows what he's talking about, so for once I agree with him: we need to be careful not to provoke these deranged space bugs.

It's only a matter of time before the triphallic crab pupae of Queequeg IV intercept a live broadcast of a U2 concert and naturally launch a battery of intergalactic sulphuric spunk missiles at the general Isle of Man area.

I'm aware that I may not measure up to Guardian or BBC standards in terms of celebrating the vibrant diversity of cultural responses to encounters with The Other, but on this occasion I simply don't want to be drowned and fried in flying space spoff because some interdimensional star-spawn blames me for Bono.

And further two-handed research on the Intern Net has established that we will only have ourselves to blame for our imminent obliteration.

You see, at some point in the otherwise excellent 1970s, Mankind sent the Voyager 1 spaceship into the cosmic ether with a message of greeting for any bored xenomorphs out there.

What NASA hurled skywards was a vinyl 33" containing a "Hooked on Bach" record, Da Vinci's drawing of a man with six limbs, and a porn flick. A 1970s porn flick, with bad hair, wicka-wacka plastic funk soundtrack and lots of lobstering. Oh, and it was narrated by Jimmy Carter.

It would be harder to imagine a more irritating communication without involving George Galloway and Jive Bunny. Moreover, it gave an inaccurate impression of the human race, shower of bastards though we may be.

I think we need to correct these mistakes fast, and send a new cosmopod beyond Pluto with a fair representation of what we have to offer our distant neighbours.

The vessel should contain a pair of Manolo Blahniks, a recording of a man breaking wind, and a Benny Hill DVD. The shoes and gastric eruption tell you all there is to know about the respective sexes, and Benny Hill sums up modern civilisation in an unflinching yet digestible manner.

The 1970s mission also lacked a crucial contribution from our Soviet co-planetarians. From the mid-1950s onwards the Russians liked nothing better than to fire small animals at Saturn, hence all the monkey skeletons in decaying orbits around the Earth and that little dog who's probably now worshipped as a demiurge on Neptune.

This Great Coalition of Ours is trying to improve relations with the Kremlin on the basis of a shared interest in evil, so I propose that we honour the Reds' previous space endeavours by packing Limahl out of Kajagoogoo into the cone of the craft.

He would give the aliens a fair idea of what pets Paris Hilton likes. And an affordable supply of Ryvita, hair gel and Embassy Number 1s ought to keep him going, given his slender build and necessarily restricted movements.

The Betelgeusians would be impressed by our level of development and obviously benign intent, especially the concern we show to the bald, Irish and underdressed in the work of Hill, and would request a meeting of envoys.

The obvious choice would be a delegation from the United Nations General Assembly, but I'm not sure that alien life is as convinced that the problematic emissions in the Horseshoe Nebula are all the fault of Israel. So I'd suggest a small mission of the sagest groovers we have to offer.

There is an emerging consensus that the acme of all human achievement - cultural, intellectual, acrobatic and erotic - was reached in the British popular music scene in 1980-1994.

From this Golden Bough I would pluck the first and finest fruits to establish contact with the carnivorous kelp of Alpha Centauri, namely Shakin' Stevens, Pete Wylie, and Bez out of The Happy Mondays.

Shaky combines hip-gyration with deserved modesty, Wylie has the righteous, random wrath of Jeremiah, and Bez adds something of Zen as well as pharmacology. They will be universally respected in the Heavens as they are on Earth.

The reply from the Venusians is easy to predict. "We thank you for the welcome afforded by Ambassador Shaky and the warning about the Sony Corporation provided by Special Envoy Wylie. We shall endeavour to seek out and neutralise this threat with our scrotal infibulator beam.

"Soon we shall send our own leading scholars to share their starry wisdom with your elders, those who are learnèd in your science of hydroponics, that which they call "Gabba", and the Belgian House.

"As for Counsellor Bez, we ask that he tarry a while with us. We have so much to learn from him. Oh, and Limahl is doing splendidly in our maritime breeding programme."

The Midrash Rabbah to Genesis 3:9 posits that God created and destroyed many worlds before He allowed this one to dangle harmlessly just beneath the Moon for a few thousand years.

Let us not give Him good cause to destroy the Earth again for all our sins.

But above all let us not irk the alkaloid rhombuses of Cnychbant Felix into doing the same, just because we wouldn't frogmarch Simply Red and Edwina Currie onto a leaky coracle off the North Korean coast and let international geo-politics take its course.


Gorilla Bananas said...

Doesn't that ignoramus Hawking know that the aliens have already visited, probing the rectums of the innocent and using Albanian peasants to impregnate their cloned humanoid females?

The Benny Hill slaphead allusion reminds me of a story about Kinnock in the 1980s. I think he got into a fight with someone who patted his pate. That's the Welsh for you.

No Good Boyo said...

No one who's had a night out on the town in Lampeter doubts that they've been among us a long time, GB.

The Kinnock story is true, I hear. Someone slapped his head in a curry house (where else?) in Ealing. Neilo chased him halfway down the street with the intention of delivering a knacker sacking. Sometimes I almost like him.

Ms Scarlet said...

They should send Piers Morgan and Simon Cowell... and Jimmy Saville to translate... And a recording of last night's Eurovision - that should bring them up to speed.

Tory Whig said...

All sensible suggestions Mr Boyo, although I'm somewhat sceptical regarding our chances of successfully communicating with alien intelligences. I mean, even here on Earth we are still unable to decipher the speech of dolphins, whales and people from Amlwch.

No Good Boyo said...

The only man who truly understands Amlwch is Lemmy out of Motorhead, who will be providing security for Shakyforce. He was brought up there. By wolves, I assume.

Scarlet, Eurovision and those three horrors are unlikely to win aliens over to our side, unless smug and camp are the defining characteristics of Plutonian society.

Off to Odessa for a couple of days, will check in when I can.

No Good Boyo said...

Back from Odessa. We arrived at the railway station, put our bags down and looked around. It looked very different. "You'd hardly know it's Odessa," said Mrs Boyo. I noticed our bags had gone. It was Odessa all right.

No Good Boyo said...

Back from Ukraine, which is now being run by a bunch of crooks from Donetsk again. Feels the same as before, though, as there's nothing much they can do to a nation that lives on back bacon and horseradish vodka.

Anything going on?

Ms Scarlet said...

...Britain's got Talent finished last night... Erm... last ever Big Brother starts on Friday. I hope this helps.

Kevin Musgrove said...

England (well, British Empire All Stars) have won a Test series; a bunch of well-paid hoolies will be kicking a pig's bladder round a field in South Africa next week; and a bunch of well-paid hoolies have been cheering a pig's bladder in Westminster.


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Scarlet, Kevin, I never had you down as Spenglerians. My aim is to try to persuade the crinoid warrior caste of Mondas not to boil us in our own pus, not to hasten the day.

BMW Photo, it's true I drive what was once a Mitsubishi. Is this some sort of Axis thing you've got going?

M C Ward said...

If we sent Chris de Burgh, there'd be no danger of them wanting to visit us. Have the bods at NASA not thought this through? It isn't exactly rocket science.

No Good Boyo said...

But the danger, MC, is that they decide on altruistic grounds that a planet capable of such infamy must be blasted out of the heavenly canopy. We need to impress they with our genius, not send the our dross.

Unless you were considering "De" Burgh for the Limahl breeding programme, of course.

Gyppo Byard said...

Bow Wow Wow. That'd be the thing to send - noble pioneers of the "shaggable alien" look....

No Good Boyo said...

Nice one, Gyppo. The aliens could certainly mate Ms Wow with me anytime they liked.

The Count of Monte Cristo in a Bubble Car said...

I like the idea of showing our distant neighbors a fair representation of what we have to offer; but we also have to be honest and show some unsavoury aspects of our modern civilization as well. Therefore, I propose that George Galloway be tricked into entering the new cosmopod minutes before its launch by convincing the Glaswegian blowhard that he is about to blast off on a space-age aid mission to bring much-needed supplies of Irn Bru and Dundee cake to Gaza.

The very image of Galloway being whisked across the vastness of the solar system, past Pluto, past the Kuiper belt and out into the vacuous aching emptiness of the heliopause gives me a deep sense of peace.

No Good Boyo said...

Shantih, Count, Shantih - the Peace that Passeth Pluto.

Taffy "Taffhead" Jones said...

What the fyckin hell is Count of Monte Cristo doing here? Isn't he a political pundit from Harry's Place? You'll lose your regular readers if you allow ax-grinders to pontificate over here, Boyo.

No Good Boyo said...

Taffy, we in the Cymru Rouge are a broad church that owes as much to Methodism as to Maoism etc blah blah [(c) Roy Hattersley 1982], and if Eustonite French notables want to agree with everything we say then that's alright by us.

I notice the aliens are still leaving us alone, not doubt repelled by the World Cup yet anxious to see how it ends.

SnoopyTheGoon said...

"I'm not sure that alien life is as convinced that the problematic emissions in the Horseshoe Nebula are all the fault of Israel."

Rest assured - it is and they are.

As for Midrash Rabbah quote: God indeed created and destroyed many worlds before, but I am quite sure we inhabit one of those he simply forgot to destroy. Otherwise there is no explanation for dentists, to start with...

No Good Boyo said...

Or they will be after a meeting with the UN, or the EU for that matter.

Thank G-d the Isle of Man is going to be the first European country with a manned (!) space programme. They don't seem to mind Jews as long as they respect the Fairies.

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