Saturday, May 29, 2010

A Tale of the Extinguished Moon


Mad scientist and Laurie Anderson impersonator Professor Stephen Hawking has warned that there are aliens out there, and they may be less welcoming than the inhabitants of Llanfrothen.

When it comes to astronauts Hawking knows what he's talking about, so for once I agree with him: we need to be careful not to provoke these deranged space bugs.

It's only a matter of time before the triphallic crab pupae of Queequeg IV intercept a live broadcast of a U2 concert and naturally launch a battery of intergalactic sulphuric spunk missiles at the general Isle of Man area.

I'm aware that I may not measure up to Guardian or BBC standards in terms of celebrating the vibrant diversity of cultural responses to encounters with The Other, but on this occasion I simply don't want to be drowned and fried in flying space spoff because some interdimensional star-spawn blames me for Bono.

And further two-handed research on the Intern Net has established that we will only have ourselves to blame for our imminent obliteration.

You see, at some point in the otherwise excellent 1970s, Mankind sent the Voyager 1 spaceship into the cosmic ether with a message of greeting for any bored xenomorphs out there.

What NASA hurled skywards was a vinyl 33" containing a "Hooked on Bach" record, Da Vinci's drawing of a man with six limbs, and a porn flick. A 1970s porn flick, with bad hair, wicka-wacka plastic funk soundtrack and lots of lobstering. Oh, and it was narrated by Jimmy Carter.

It would be harder to imagine a more irritating communication without involving George Galloway and Jive Bunny. Moreover, it gave an inaccurate impression of the human race, shower of bastards though we may be.

I think we need to correct these mistakes fast, and send a new cosmopod beyond Pluto with a fair representation of what we have to offer our distant neighbours.

The vessel should contain a pair of Manolo Blahniks, a recording of a man breaking wind, and a Benny Hill DVD. The shoes and gastric eruption tell you all there is to know about the respective sexes, and Benny Hill sums up modern civilisation in an unflinching yet digestible manner.

The 1970s mission also lacked a crucial contribution from our Soviet co-planetarians. From the mid-1950s onwards the Russians liked nothing better than to fire small animals at Saturn, hence all the monkey skeletons in decaying orbits around the Earth and that little dog who's probably now worshipped as a demiurge on Neptune.

This Great Coalition of Ours is trying to improve relations with the Kremlin on the basis of a shared interest in evil, so I propose that we honour the Reds' previous space endeavours by packing Limahl out of Kajagoogoo into the cone of the craft.

He would give the aliens a fair idea of what pets Paris Hilton likes. And an affordable supply of Ryvita, hair gel and Embassy Number 1s ought to keep him going, given his slender build and necessarily restricted movements.

The Betelgeusians would be impressed by our level of development and obviously benign intent, especially the concern we show to the bald, Irish and underdressed in the work of Hill, and would request a meeting of envoys.

The obvious choice would be a delegation from the United Nations General Assembly, but I'm not sure that alien life is as convinced that the problematic emissions in the Horseshoe Nebula are all the fault of Israel. So I'd suggest a small mission of the sagest groovers we have to offer.

There is an emerging consensus that the acme of all human achievement - cultural, intellectual, acrobatic and erotic - was reached in the British popular music scene in 1980-1994.

From this Golden Bough I would pluck the first and finest fruits to establish contact with the carnivorous kelp of Alpha Centauri, namely Shakin' Stevens, Pete Wylie, and Bez out of The Happy Mondays.

Shaky combines hip-gyration with deserved modesty, Wylie has the righteous, random wrath of Jeremiah, and Bez adds something of Zen as well as pharmacology. They will be universally respected in the Heavens as they are on Earth.

The reply from the Venusians is easy to predict. "We thank you for the welcome afforded by Ambassador Shaky and the warning about the Sony Corporation provided by Special Envoy Wylie. We shall endeavour to seek out and neutralise this threat with our scrotal infibulator beam.

"Soon we shall send our own leading scholars to share their starry wisdom with your elders, those who are learnèd in your science of hydroponics, that which they call "Gabba", and the Belgian House.

"As for Counsellor Bez, we ask that he tarry a while with us. We have so much to learn from him. Oh, and Limahl is doing splendidly in our maritime breeding programme."

The Midrash Rabbah to Genesis 3:9 posits that God created and destroyed many worlds before He allowed this one to dangle harmlessly just beneath the Moon for a few thousand years.

Let us not give Him good cause to destroy the Earth again for all our sins.

But above all let us not irk the alkaloid rhombuses of Cnychbant Felix into doing the same, just because we wouldn't frogmarch Simply Red and Edwina Currie onto a leaky coracle off the North Korean coast and let international geo-politics take its course.





73 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Doesn't that ignoramus Hawking know that the aliens have already visited, probing the rectums of the innocent and using Albanian peasants to impregnate their cloned humanoid females?

The Benny Hill slaphead allusion reminds me of a story about Kinnock in the 1980s. I think he got into a fight with someone who patted his pate. That's the Welsh for you.

No Good Boyo said...

No one who's had a night out on the town in Lampeter doubts that they've been among us a long time, GB.

The Kinnock story is true, I hear. Someone slapped his head in a curry house (where else?) in Ealing. Neilo chased him halfway down the street with the intention of delivering a knacker sacking. Sometimes I almost like him.

Scarlet Blue said...

They should send Piers Morgan and Simon Cowell... and Jimmy Saville to translate... And a recording of last night's Eurovision - that should bring them up to speed.
Sx

Tory Whig said...

All sensible suggestions Mr Boyo, although I'm somewhat sceptical regarding our chances of successfully communicating with alien intelligences. I mean, even here on Earth we are still unable to decipher the speech of dolphins, whales and people from Amlwch.

No Good Boyo said...

The only man who truly understands Amlwch is Lemmy out of Motorhead, who will be providing security for Shakyforce. He was brought up there. By wolves, I assume.

Scarlet, Eurovision and those three horrors are unlikely to win aliens over to our side, unless smug and camp are the defining characteristics of Plutonian society.

Off to Odessa for a couple of days, will check in when I can.

No Good Boyo said...

Back from Odessa. We arrived at the railway station, put our bags down and looked around. It looked very different. "You'd hardly know it's Odessa," said Mrs Boyo. I noticed our bags had gone. It was Odessa all right.

No Good Boyo said...

Back from Ukraine, which is now being run by a bunch of crooks from Donetsk again. Feels the same as before, though, as there's nothing much they can do to a nation that lives on back bacon and horseradish vodka.

Anything going on?

Scarlet Blue said...

...Britain's got Talent finished last night... Erm... last ever Big Brother starts on Friday. I hope this helps.
Sx

Kevin Musgrove said...

England (well, British Empire All Stars) have won a Test series; a bunch of well-paid hoolies will be kicking a pig's bladder round a field in South Africa next week; and a bunch of well-paid hoolies have been cheering a pig's bladder in Westminster.

HTH

BMX photo said...

hello, I hope you gain success all the time!
if you need BMX wallpaper, you can visit our website ^^!

warm greeting 0_0

No Good Boyo said...

Scarlet, Kevin, I never had you down as Spenglerians. My aim is to try to persuade the crinoid warrior caste of Mondas not to boil us in our own pus, not to hasten the day.

BMW Photo, it's true I drive what was once a Mitsubishi. Is this some sort of Axis thing you've got going?

M C Ward said...

If we sent Chris de Burgh, there'd be no danger of them wanting to visit us. Have the bods at NASA not thought this through? It isn't exactly rocket science.

No Good Boyo said...

But the danger, MC, is that they decide on altruistic grounds that a planet capable of such infamy must be blasted out of the heavenly canopy. We need to impress they with our genius, not send the our dross.

Unless you were considering "De" Burgh for the Limahl breeding programme, of course.

Gyppo Byard said...

Bow Wow Wow. That'd be the thing to send - noble pioneers of the "shaggable alien" look....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4Gh-GH8Miw&feature=fvst

No Good Boyo said...

Nice one, Gyppo. The aliens could certainly mate Ms Wow with me anytime they liked.

The Count of Monte Cristo in a Bubble Car said...

I like the idea of showing our distant neighbors a fair representation of what we have to offer; but we also have to be honest and show some unsavoury aspects of our modern civilization as well. Therefore, I propose that George Galloway be tricked into entering the new cosmopod minutes before its launch by convincing the Glaswegian blowhard that he is about to blast off on a space-age aid mission to bring much-needed supplies of Irn Bru and Dundee cake to Gaza.

The very image of Galloway being whisked across the vastness of the solar system, past Pluto, past the Kuiper belt and out into the vacuous aching emptiness of the heliopause gives me a deep sense of peace.

No Good Boyo said...

Shantih, Count, Shantih - the Peace that Passeth Pluto.

Taffy "Taffhead" Jones said...

What the fyckin hell is Count of Monte Cristo doing here? Isn't he a political pundit from Harry's Place? You'll lose your regular readers if you allow ax-grinders to pontificate over here, Boyo.

No Good Boyo said...

Taffy, we in the Cymru Rouge are a broad church that owes as much to Methodism as to Maoism etc blah blah [(c) Roy Hattersley 1982], and if Eustonite French notables want to agree with everything we say then that's alright by us.

I notice the aliens are still leaving us alone, not doubt repelled by the World Cup yet anxious to see how it ends.

SnoopyTheGoon said...

"I'm not sure that alien life is as convinced that the problematic emissions in the Horseshoe Nebula are all the fault of Israel."

Rest assured - it is and they are.

As for Midrash Rabbah quote: God indeed created and destroyed many worlds before, but I am quite sure we inhabit one of those he simply forgot to destroy. Otherwise there is no explanation for dentists, to start with...

No Good Boyo said...

Or they will be after a meeting with the UN, or the EU for that matter.

Thank G-d the Isle of Man is going to be the first European country with a manned (!) space programme. They don't seem to mind Jews as long as they respect the Fairies.

Anonymous said...

In the event you simply just are not concerned intended for identity fraud or another kinds of problems when it comes to to your credit rating, looking at your own credit report once a year may be more than sufficient. This is what to test regarding: Given that a lot of folks witout a doubt definitely feel quite despairing when looking at taking care of debt or even financial circumstances generally speaking, there are various great goals pertaining to unreliable tactics which will contribute to fraudulent things to do along with identity theft.

http://digg.linkoman.com/business/pikalainat-90/
http://datingsite-free.com/profile.php?ID=27772

Anonymous said...

Aω, thiѕ was an inсгedibly nісе ρost.
Таκіng a feω mіnutes and
аctual effort tо producе а
top notch article… but what can Ι saу… I put
thіngs off a lot and don't seem to get nearly anything done.

Also visit my website instant cash loans

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharіng your іnfo. I trulу аppreciatе
your effortѕ and I will bе ωaіting fοг youг furthег writе ups thank yоu оnce аgаin.


Chеck out my web blog: credit card debt settlement

Anonymous said...

Hi there friends, how is everуthing, and what you want to
ѕay on the topic of this piеcе of wrіting, in mу vieω itѕ truly amazing for me.


Here is mу web blοg - Instant Payday Loans

Anonymous said...

Τoday, I went to the beach wіth my kіds.
I founԁ a seа shell and gave it to
my 4 year olԁ daughter and said "You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear." She placed the shell
to hеr еar and sсreamed. Τherе
waѕ a hermit crab inѕiԁe and it pinchеd heг ear.

Shе never wants to go back! LoL I κnow
thіѕ is entіrely off tоpic but I
had to tеll someone!

Μy web site: webcams porn free

Anonymous said...

Wе're a bunch of volunteers and opening a new scheme in our community. Your web site provided us with helpful info to work on. You've peгformеd an imρreѕsiѵe аctivіty and
our entiгe cοmmunity wіll probably be thankful to you.


my ωeb blog :: Payday Loans

Anonymous said...

I tend not to leave a great deal of responses, but after reading through some of the remarks here
"A Tale of the Extinguished Moon". I do have some questions for you if you don't mind. Could it be just me or do a few of these comments appear like they are left by brain dead people? :-P And, if you are writing at additional online social sites, I would like to follow anything new you have to post. Could you post a list of the complete urls of your shared sites like your twitter feed, Facebook page or linkedin profile?

Stop by my blog - live porn webcams

Anonymous said...

Hi there just wanted to give you a quick heads up and let you know a few of the pictures aren't loading correctly. I'm not sure why but I think its
a linking issue. I've tried it in two different internet browsers and both show the same results.

Also visit my web page: watch live free porn

Anonymous said...

Thankfulness to my father who shared with me about this website,
this web site is actually awesome.

Also visit my weblog - live sex video chat

Anonymous said...

I simply could not leave your website prior to suggesting that I really enjoyed the usual info a person supply for
your guests? Is going to be again frequently to check up on new posts

Feel free to surf to my site sex live video chat

Anonymous said...

Keep on writing, great job!

Here is my blog: www.peaceforpaws.com

Anonymous said...

Wow, that's what I was searching for, what a material! present here at this blog, thanks admin of this website.

Also visit my web blog live sexy cam

Anonymous said...

When I originally commented I clicked the "Notify me when new comments are added" checkbox and now each time a comment is added
I get four emails with the same comment. Is there any way you can remove
me from that service? Thanks!

Visit my website; http://goanacortes.com

Anonymous said...

Yesterday, while I was at work, my sister stole my iPad and tested
to see if it can survive a 40 foot drop, just so she can be a
youtube sensation. My iPad is now destroyed and she has 83 views.
I know this is completely off topic but I had to share it with
someone!

my page; watch porn live free

Anonymous said...

Undeniably believe that which you stated. Your favorite reason seemed to be on the web the simplest thing to be aware of.
I say to you, I certainly get irked while people consider worries that they plainly don't know about. You managed to hit the nail upon the top as well as defined out the whole thing without having side effect , people can take a signal. Will probably be back to get more. Thanks

Also visit my website; http://monioqkqyarojudd.polyvore.com/

Anonymous said...

Do you mind if I quote a couple of your posts as long
as I provide credit and sources back to your weblog?
My blog site is in the exact same niche as yours and
my visitors would truly benefit from a lot of the information you provide here.
Please let me know if this ok with you. Thanks a
lot!

Stop by my website ... sex online

Anonymous said...

Hi Dear, are you genuinely visiting this web page regularly, if so
afterward you will definitely get nice experience.

Feel free to surf to my weblog - ohloh.net

Anonymous said...

I am sure this article has touched all the internet viewers, its
really really fastidious paragraph on building up new
weblog.

Look into my webpage ... livesex cams

Anonymous said...

This is a good tip especially to those new to the blogosphere.
Simple but very accurate information… Many thanks for sharing this one.
A must read post!

My blog post - free online sex

Anonymous said...

you're truly a excellent webmaster. The site loading pace is amazing. It seems that you're doing any unique trick.
In addition, The contents are masterwork. you've performed a fantastic process in this matter!

Visit my web-site :: Www.ziggs.com

Anonymous said...

My spouse and I stumbled over here from a different page and thought I may as well check things out.
I like what I see so now i am following you. Look forward to looking at your web page again.


Also visit my homepage :: online sex cam to cam

Anonymous said...

It's difficult to find experienced people about this topic, but you seem like you know what you're talking about!
Thanks

Also visit my blog :: live couple Sex

Anonymous said...

My partner and I stumbled over here from a different page and thought I might as well
check things out. I like what I see so i am just following you.
Look forward to going over your web page yet again.

My blog post - online cam sex

Anonymous said...

I think the admіn of this web site is gеnuinely working hаrd in faνor οf his
ѕite, for the reaѕon thаt here every
datа is qualitу bаsed datа.


my site: payday loans

Anonymous said...

The other day, while I was at work, my sister stole my iphone and tested to see if it can
survive a 40 foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation.

My apple ipad is now destroyed and she has 83 views.
I know this is totally off topic but I had to share it with someone!



Feel free to surf to my webpage ... Chat with cams

Anonymous said...

I love your blog.. very nice colors & theme. Did you create this website yourself or did
you hire someone to do it for you? Plz respond as I'm looking to create my own blog and would like to find out where u got this from. thank you

my webpage ... girl Webcam Free

Anonymous said...

Remarkable! Its actually awesome paragraph, I have
got much clear idea about from this post.

Here is my web page http://canon-mcmillan.patch.com/users/obHelemolonTroche

Anonymous said...

I was suggested this website by my cousin.
I'm not sure whether this post is written by him as no one else know such detailed about my difficulty. You are wonderful! Thanks!

my site :: free live sex video cams

Anonymous said...

When someone writes an paragraph he/she retains the image
of a user in his/her mind that how a user can know
it. So that's why this piece of writing is perfect. Thanks!

Feel free to surf to my web-site: sex chat

Anonymous said...

I think this is one of the so much important info for me.
And i am glad reading your article. But want to remark on few common issues,
The web site style is great, the articles is in point of fact great
: D. Excellent activity, cheers

Here is my website; http://dabagirls.com/

Anonymous said...

I read this piece of writing completely concerning the comparison of most recent and earlier technologies, it's awesome article.

Here is my webpage :: adult cam

Anonymous said...

hey there and thank you for your info – I've certainly picked up anything new from right here. I did however expertise some technical issues using this web site, as I experienced to reload the site lots of times previous to I could get it to load correctly. I had been wondering if your web host is OK? Not that I am complaining, but slow loading instances times will very frequently affect your placement in google and could damage your quality score if advertising and marketing with Adwords. Well I'm adding this RSS to my e-mail and could look out for much more
of your respective exciting content. Ensure
that you update this again very soon.

Look into my web page - www.naija.fm

Anonymous said...

Good article. I will be going through many of these issues as well.
.

Feel free to visit my web blog live sex on cams

Anonymous said...

As the admin of this website is working, no uncertainty very rapidly it will be renowned, due to its
feature contents.

Feel free to surf to my web-site :: live phone sex ()

Anonymous said...

If you are going for finest contents like I do, just go to see this web site every day
as it presents feature contents, thanks

my blog post live sex chat sites

Anonymous said...

Hey I know this is off topic but I was wondering if you knew of
any widgets I could add to my blog that automatically tweet my newest twitter updates.
I've been looking for a plug-in like this for quite some time and was hoping maybe you would have some experience with something like this. Please let me know if you run into anything. I truly enjoy reading your blog and I look forward to your new updates.

Also visit my site: free live sex cams *www.measuredup.com*

Anonymous said...

I am truly pleased to read this website posts which consists of plenty of valuable data,
thanks for providing these information.

Here is my web site - live chat about sex

Anonymous said...

Good way of explaining, and fastidious paragraph to take data about my presentation
topic, which i am going to convey in school.

Feel free to visit my web blog live nude cams for free
- intensedebate.com -

Anonymous said...

Hey There. I found your blog using msn. This is an extremely well written article.

I'll make sure to bookmark it and come back to read more of your useful info. Thanks for the post. I will certainly return.

my web page: top live cam sites []

Anonymous said...

Hello, i think that i saw you visited my website so i came to “return the favor”.

I'm trying to find things to improve my website!I suppose its ok to use a few of your ideas!!

Here is my blog: free live adult cam

Anonymous said...

Wow that was odd. I just wrote an extremely long comment
but after I clicked submit my comment didn't show up. Grrrr... well I'm not writing all that over again.
Anyhow, just wanted to say great blog!

Stop by my page live free chats

Anonymous said...

With havin so much written content do you ever run into any issues of plagorism or copyright infringement?

My site has a lot of exclusive content I've either written myself or outsourced but it looks like a lot of it is popping it up all over the web without my authorization. Do you know any solutions to help prevent content from being ripped off? I'd really appreciate
it.

Check out my website: free pirn Videod

Anonymous said...

Wonderful goods from you, man. I've understand your stuff previous to and you're
just too magnificent. I actually like what you have acquired here, really like what
you are saying and the way in which you say it. You
make it entertaining and you still take care of to keep it wise.
I cant wait to read far more from you. This is really a wonderful site.


My web blog private sex cams free (feedbooks.com)

Anonymous said...

Way cool! Some very valid points! I appreciate you writing this post and the rest of the site is very good.



My blog used cars

Anonymous said...

Howdy! Someone in my Myspace group shared this website with us
so I came to check it out. I'm definitely enjoying the information. I'm bookmarking and will
be tweeting this to my followers! Terrific blog and fantastic style and design.


Look into my webpage; adult free chat rooms

Anonymous said...

Hi there, just became alert to your blog through Google, and found that it's truly informative. I'm
gonna watch out for brussels. I'll appreciate if you continue this in future. Many people will be benefited from your writing. Cheers!

Also visit my web-site: live cams for mobile

Anonymous said...

We are a group of volunteers and opening a brand new scheme in our community.
Your web site provided us with helpful information to work on.
You have performed an impressive task and our whole neighborhood might be thankful to you.


Here is my blog free webcams adult

Anonymous said...

I don't even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was good. I do not know who you are but certainly you're going to a famous blogger if you are
not already ;) Cheers!

My web blog free free live porn []

Anonymous said...

Hi there colleagues, fastidious article and good arguments commented at this place, I am really enjoying by these.


Here is my web page; free nude cams

Anonymous said...

Thanks for another informative blog. Where else may
just I get that kind of information written in such
an ideal manner? I've a mission that I'm just now running on, and I have been on the look out for such information.


Here is my weblog - adult chat cam

Anonymous said...

Its such as you learn my mind! You seem to know a lot approximately this, such as you wrote the e book in it or something.

I feel that you can do with a few % to force the message home a little bit,
but instead of that, this is wonderful blog. An excellent read.
I will definitely be back.

Review my homepage hot chat online []

Anonymous said...

Have you ever thought about writing an e-book or guest authoring on other websites?
I have a blog based on the same information you discuss and would really
like to have you share some stories/information. I know my viewers would enjoy
your work. If you're even remotely interested, feel free to shoot me an email.

Feel free to surf to my weblog ... adult chat live sex