Friday, February 25, 2011

Klootzak Nation


Some time ago I found myself sitting opposite an old college lady-friend on a train. She asked me what I'd been up to since being drummed out of Wales. I outlined my career as media mercenary, following walk-ons in showbiz raiding parties and the ironic smuggling of non-contraband goods.

"And what about you?" I concluded in my best Prince Charles manner.

"I'm a dominatrix," she replied with the best smug-plug since a Belarussian mother-in-law told me she'd danced with the Tsar.

Channeling pure heir-du-trône, I ventured "How interesting, and what does that entail?"

"I kick middle managers in the pods with my Christian Louboutin slapper wellies for 200 quid an hour, and don't even have to listen to them complain about their wives."

She belonged to the dumpy, frumpy and grumpy category of Metroland gals - second daughters who end up as council leaders' PAs - so it was good to see her penetrating a profession that I lazily associated with angular Germans and Oriental ladies in catsuits.

It also explained what you do with an lower-second degree in geography.

"What about Repetitive Strain Injury?" I inquired.

"You bet they have!" she beamed.

"I meant you."

"Nah, I swap legs. It's quite aerobic."

Not sure what knackersmacking had to do with yoghurt, I asked whether she varied it with other forms of violent perversion. She provided a list of alarming gerunds, all of which seemed to involve applying kitchen implements, manual or electrical, to her client's danglers.

By now we had the carriage to ourselves, so she elaborated on her favourite practices.

"People talk about BDSM, but there's a world of difference between S&M aficionados and the adepts of bondage. I much prefer the former. They are usually well-born, bohemian or members of the higher professions, and mess not about.

"'Good afternoon, Mistress Cadwaladr! After my opaque summation, the jury will be out for at least two hours. Kindly belabour my buttocks with whatever pieces of Javanese furniture you might have to hand, then disparage me in your choicest fishwife demotic.' And then off they go, happy as hogs.

"Bondage bores are another matter. Teachers, social workers and reformed clerics in the main, they sport facial hair, broadsheet newspapers and inky little diagrams of precisely how they want to be suspended from my rafters.

"They insist on using Japanese technical terms, which they mispronounce, and once they're up there all you get it 'Ooh, mistress, if you don't mind, I think the 股縄 may be slipping out of the 海老責め! Could you twist it up a notch?'

"Then they hang around for ages doing nothing, just moaning loud enough to drown out my iPod. And once it's all over they email me 'feedback' on the session. Needledicks!"

I don't think Lord Tebbit himself could have coined a pithier metaphor for the public sector.

The Boy Scout devotion to knots shown by Mistress C's trussing companions confirmed my conviction that DIY is the true vice anglais. It poisons the whole of English life, from Fred West and his patio tombs to Mr Cameron's Big Society, via the have-a-go-hero on his way to Casualty in two separate ambulances.

And this taint spreads from the lower-middle classes:

  • Aristocrats wear ancient clothes and drive decrepit jalopies around decayed estates, heralded by explosive plumbing and overcooked food.
  • Working people make things for sale in the marketplace, and undergo years of training in the correct use of tools.
  • Professional types hire artisans from a guild of nations to primp their pergolas, appease their boilers and entertain their children.

Only the petite bourgeoisie tamper with motor engines, venture into drains, wrong-end soldering irons and lose rabbits in ersatz top hats before rooms of tearful tots.

On a global scale I'd hitherto always associated the Japanese with the Scots:

  • They like tartan, whisky, golf and rewriting history;
  • They owe everything to their mighty neighbours, and never show the slightest gratitude;
  • They've more than their fair share of islands; and
  • Their cooks do frightful things with fish.

But, on reflection, perhaps the true kinsmen of the Japanese are the English:

  • They share a belligerent attitude to their continental cousins;
  • Their simple language is let down by an absurd writing system;
  • Their closest former colonies - Ireland and Korea - are sods of incomprehensible souses split into an eccentric south and truculent north; and
  • They like naval fleets, public drunkenness and below-par royalty, whom they invest with religious significance.

The Japanese also mirror the English class system, and I bet their salarymen like being mortally coiled too.

There are vital differences, of course. Japanese cars work, and the country has no equivalent of the Welsh. The Hairy Ainu match most of the roles performed by the Scots, although the Japanese are careful never to let them rule the country.

But the most common weal of England and Japan is decline. While we dismantle the Welfare State, Japan slips behind China among the mercantile nations.

Perhaps the road to recovery lies in abandoning the cult of DIY. I assume the Japanese are prey to this too, given the prevalence of paper houses in their rice-bound realm.

Aspirants to public office could be asked what, in their view, is the correct use of hemp. If they reply that it involves enhanced smoking, they may proceed.

If they mumble something about resentful redbrick lady graduates brandishing the I-Spy Book of Knots, the Switchfinder-General should do everyone a favour and belt them up.


29 comments:

Joe MacFarlane said...

You are right about the upper class. I hitched from Hawick or Peebles or some such shit hole to Geordieland in 1989. Chap in a landrover that was knackered gave me a lift, quite Public school accent, apprently he was the Duke of Roxburoughshire or summat. Nice chap.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Reading kinky sex blogs is quite an education. I sense that your friend's clientele are a dying breed. The younger generation of perverts want to be forced to slurp a woman's oyster while their manhood is compared unfavourably to runner bean. "Needledick" is the right word, but she ought to say it to their faces.

M C Ward said...

Any chance of a phone number? (One of my students is visiting England, and I'd like to ensure he never repeats his escapade).

Otherwise, fine words, 100% accurate.

Dewi Harries said...

Cadwaladr???? No No No! - that's about Raspberry Milkshakes.....
http://www.cadwaladersicecream.co.uk/

Francis Sedgemore said...

Or not-so-angular Tscherman Dominatrices, perhaps?

And what's this about DIY being the true vice anglais? You've clearly never visited a German branch of Ikea. Jesus wept, mun! Listen carefully, and you may overhear the locals discussing which type of pine is best for lining the walls of one's home bondage chamber.

Babs said...

You've been reading too much Gorilla Bananas in my opinion. It's only a matter of time before you start posting photos of big-breasted women.

Jon in France said...

It does seem an odd way to pass an evening, being repeatedly kicked in the nad-bags. That said, TV is pretty poor at the moment.

SnoopyTheGoon said...

"Teachers, social workers and reformed clerics.."

I think you have forgotten the football coaches. I know this is the less important category for Welsh folks, but...

SnoopyTheGoon said...

Oh, and re "It's only a matter of time before you start posting photos of big-breasted women."

Good idea for any blog.

SnoopyTheGoon said...

Gosh, am I senile. These comments are not why I came by. Why is to share this delightful link:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/bc54d50403/svetlana-pilot-episode

Enjoy.

No Good Boyo said...

Amazing. I write diamond sharp analysis of coalition politics, modern literature and Marxism, and it takes a fortnight to rack up a dozen sage comments.

One post about a plump girl from Amersham and her egg whisk and you're all over me like a cheap suit.

There's a message in there, somewhere.

You're spot on about the charm of the aristos, Joe. I knew one at college. Drove a Land Rover without a floor, wore a velvet jacket and his girlfriend's jeans, made his own million by selling pressure cookers to Turks. Spent a year in a coma, treated it as a sort of head cold. Thought Goering won the Battle of Britain and that squirrels eat babies, but I'd rather have him running the country than some estate agent or "astronomer".

I'm honoured that you chose to share your expertise with me, GB, and other readers please take note that a life devoted to reading The Japing Ape is a life well spent.

Francis, I was hoping no one would spot the Prussian Panzer division driving at full tilt through the Ardennes of my argument. But then I suspect that German DIY results in sturdy, Berlin Wall-like structures, not the sort of splindly fence my neighbour gingerly leans on when the wind's in the right direction. And they probably still prefer to do the nutcracking themselves.

Snoopy, thanks for the link. it's like being dropped back in the Kreshchatyk branch of Sela in Kiev.

MC, I think Mistress C married a Frenchman and soon found herself comprehensively outperved.

And I leave it to you, Dewi, to imagine what she got up to with a pair of ice cream scoops.

Stay-At-Home Indie-Pop said...

I met a dominatrix once in a pub - girlfriend of a friend of a friend. And she was very frumpy too. The clients would pop by while her boyfriend was in the room next door discussing tactics on a football message board. I think it was around this time I gave up trying to understand the world and just went with the flow.

No Good Boyo said...

Wise words, Pop. It also goes to show that kit maketh bird. Take Lily Allen.

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