Thursday, May 05, 2011

Sous les pavés la peste

A public address by Huw Samphan, Cymru Rouge shadow commissar of demographic realignment, on the occasion of the Welsh Assembly Elections:

Put her down and listen!

Today you, the people of Wales, and those English who've somehow evaded capture, will chose which mangy hyena hirelings will lick the suppurating sores of Anglo-Scotch Capital for the next four years in the Temple of Onan they call the co-called Welsh Assembly.

You, the militant Sons of Glyndŵrism, have as one bruised knuckle of vengeance awaited guidance from the Cymru Rouge about who or what to do.

Now. in keeping with our proud Maoist heritage, we tend totally and utterly to boycott elections on the following grounds:

1. Voting requires the rudiments of literacy, numeracy (Wales employs a form of proportional representation deemed too complex for the ruddy, roastbeef fingers of the English), and in some cases the donning of spectacles.

All of this runs counter to Cymru Rouge edjucation policy, founded as it is on the correct application of mattocks and child labourers' cheerily chanting narrow nationalist slogans in the cocklefields of Penclawdd.

2. Ballot forms are a precious waste of slate - the Grey Gold from which your hovels, furniture, contraceptive barriers and choicest garnishes are fashioned.

3. What with the global economic turndown, Y2K, the Millennium and the sheer expense of running Charlotte Church, Wales simply cannot afford to waste our limited supplies of air and gravity on public debate.

The resultant atmospheric imbalance might have a negative impact on Catherine Zeta Jones, our sole export earner and Execution Squad sweetheart.

4. Analysis by our Department for the Promotion of Harmony has revealed that many Assembly candidates espouse a range of non-Marxist and objectively anti-Welsh policies, including "healthcare", machinery, banking and sunshine.

Some recall how pseudo-Marxist Georgi Plekhanov criticised Lenin's farsighted policy of killing the few economically useful Russians with the scornful phrase "The worse it is, the better it is".

Recent research has suggested that Plekhanov was in fact commenting on Lenin's marriage to the ill-favoured Nadezhda Krupskaya. Nonetheless, we Rouges have decided that, in the specific instance of the Welsh Assembly, his advice is apposite.

The election of Labour, Plaid Cymru, Liberal Democrat and Conservative members can only serve to remind the boiling masses of the literal bankruptcy of representative democracy, incapable as it is of turning Wales into a net rice exporter and indifferent as it remains to the struggle of our Maoist comrades in India, Nepal and the student unions of former polytechnics in the London penumbra.

The Prif Sasiwn of the Cymru Rouge therefore endorses all parties standing in the Assembly elections, and urges the struggling workers, peasants, scarecrows and benefit champions to cast their vote for whichever candidate looks the least appealing.

Cymru Rouge cadres, of course, will be expected to maintain their corpse-like discipline and shun the ballot box. Instead we recommend the policy of Papist pedant and stationary Reichsheer target Charles Péguy, who once wrote that "Example is not simply a way of influencing others, it is the only way".

Cadres will position themselves outside polling stations, dressed in their best black pyjamas and red bandanas, and engage in wholesome Marxist-Glyndŵrist activities in order to show voters that there is another, more violent way. We recommend:

1. Reading aloud from the Red Book of Hergest and the Black Book of Carmarthen (but not the White Book of Eifionydd), to the accompaniment of small arms fire. NB the readings must be from memory, as books disempower our semi-literate constituency of Young Farmers, cider-swigging car thieves and Valleys opiate connoisseurs.

2. Socialist folk dancing. This requires a harp, 15 clogs and ill-fitting trousers. Displays of skill are to be judged fairly, and those found guilty will be transported to the Martyr Cerys Matthews Submarine Sports Facility off the coast of Holyhead.

3. Friendly fighting. In the days of the Princes, the Welsh resolved their disputes not by hustings and committees but by fraternal exchanges of blows - whether by sickle, tree or righteously-engorged glans. So step forward and help the misguided Dyfed-Powys Police overcome their false consciousness.

4. Drinking. Walking to and from polling stations, concentrating on what to mark with your green crayon, is an egregious bourgeois ploy to divert proletarians and collectivist artisans from the traditional brewing and consumption of nutty ale and fermented potato potations. Intersperse your shooting, brawling, yelling and cavorting with generous draughts from room-temperature cans of Wrexham Lager.

5. Above all, ensure that our are well-supplied with Cymru Rouge political pamphlets. Copies of the party anthem ("We are Rouge, We are Strong, Come Swing on This You Saxon"), the 2011 manifesto ("Schools into Silos, Saxons into Silage"), and the official programme ("Wales will be Free, from the Orkneys to the Lea!") are available from Gwasg Gwallgo on demand.

Any members of the public seen reading the printed material will of course be deported on grounds of spying or wanton display of intellectual curiosity - back to Wales, if necessary.

¡Ystalyfera siempre!

Cymru Rouge
Rhiwbeunos Aires

The Wales


Dewi Harries said...

OK - and the second vote?

No Good Boyo said...

Understanding the electoral system immediately arouses our suspicions, Dewi. Martyr Ffrancis Sedgemore will have to have a quiet word with your ear.

If you must cast a second vote - which rather smacks of enthusiasm for democracy - teach all parties a lesson by writing in "Rouge Rŵan!"

Francis Sedgemore said...

Ffermwyr Ifanc...


Cymrawd Samphan displays a disturbing bordering on deviationist generosity of spirit.

Anyways, go down to the temple and bay,... and vote IE in the referendum on the miserable little compromise. Early and often.

No Good Boyo said...

Merthyr Ffranc's altruistic criticism of my rightist deviation is duly noted.

As a member of the Prif Sasiwn, however. I cannot be wrong on grounds of collective irresponsibility.

Therefore the so-called Ffrancis's comments are objectively speaking Trotskyite infantilism.

His advocacy of MORE democracy in the total and utter call for an "Ie" vote speaks for itself.

As an Old Cadre, Sedge, you are granted the comradely right to propose your own just punishment.

Henffych minnau!

Francis Sedgemore said...

Le Boyo is a fule. The more democracy we have, the sooner the wretched bourgeois system collapses under the weight of its internal contradictions. This is uncontested, incontravertible, ecscathîdra rougism.

Ffransis ab Ioan

Dewi Harries said...

i dunno - AV - it's as simple as 1-2-3.....but all i needed was an x...

Francis Sedgemore said...

The numpty nationalists are expected to lose pews in the Temple of Onan. 'Tis the Ron Davies effect at work.

No Good Boyo said...

My late chum Paul Jennings and I once planned a band called The Ron Davies Tendency. I now realize that "Effect" would have been better.

Plaid must follow the Rouge. They can't win by collecting votes like demented philatelists.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I've just noticed that Wales is similar to pre-revolutionary Cambodia in having its own prince. If the Welsh Pottists could get the jug-eared one to dally with them in the manner of the pot-bellied one, maybe their revolution would have a chance.

No Good Boyo said...

It's a sobering thought, GB but Carlo is a less impressive political totem than Sihanouk. We'll wait for Prince William (Gwil Goll, as we'll call him).

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