Sunday, June 12, 2011

damnatio ad bestias

The BBC's looking for new programme ideas again. They've yet to accept any of my previous offerings, so I've modelled this bid on something they already like and given it a modish political angle.

Along the lines of BBC3's worthy "Snog, Marry, Avoid", I'd like to propose "Shelter, Shag, Shunt".

Exclusively nubile asylum seekers are assessed by a panel of sandpapery newspaper columnists, loathesome hipsters and Radio 4 official comedians to decide whether to:

  • house them for free in the attic of the North London mews you share with your dreary Quaker-lite family;

  • employ them as, er, nannies;

  • or/and denounce them to Immigration.

nominations for panelists below, please.

If the Beeb's not interested I may try Sky, or the Home Office.


Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

Nigel Farage in the black hat.

Kevin Musgrove said...

For the purposes of the programme could we not pretend Nigel Farage is a nubile asylum seeker and pack him off to Italian Somaliland?

Ms Scarlet said...

Oh, I love Snog, Marry, Avoid! I think you're onto a winner...
Richard Littlejohn, Cheryl Cole [we should welcome her back with open arms], and Lembit Öpik [he did very well with the Cheeky Girls] AND Keith Lemon.
Perhaps there should also be an element of dance so that Arlene Phillips could be cruel about their arms and legs?

No Good Boyo said...

A sound double nomination for Nige, there, and the black hat is an intriguing touch. Any particular style?

I don't want to libel Farage and so would never suggest that he looks like the sort of cad who follows the help around the house in his dressing-gown.

The Italian Somaliland gambit has a Twilight Zone piquancy. After vile suffering at the ends of Mogadiscio inverts, Farage makes it to the frontier with wholesome, scrubbed British Somaliland - only to be refused entry because he's in the EEC.

Gorilla Bananas said...

The panel wouldn't be complete without a lecherous little Welshman who wanted to shag the lot of them.

No Good Boyo said...

Just missed your comment, Scarlet, and admire the sheer creepiness of that line-up.

Littlejohn, as a resident of Florida, would have to audition as an asylum seeker in an ideal, Boyo-made world. I relish the image of him being pursued around the orangery by India Knight.

Cheryl Cole is an example of a Geordie asylum seeker who made good in England through her singing, posing and punching skills. She even mastered the language, which counted against her in America.

Lembo's family were refugees from the Soviet Union's rather hypocritical objection to the SS, and his Welsh connection would add the missing element of doom that this project requires.

I have no idea who Lemon & Phillips are, but they sound like a firm of Brighton solicitors who specialise in fake marriages, so they too are welcome.

Melanie Phillips would be good on all sorts of levels, too.

No Good Boyo said...

GB - Lembo is an adopted Welshman who would probably shag everyone involved in the programme.

Pedantry point - lecherous Welshman is a tautology, like laughing hyena.

Unknown said...

Jude Law
technical consultant - Arnie Schwartzthingy

No Good Boyo said...

Thanks Wendy, lovely to hear from you. I usually manage to filter Law out of my consciousness, apart from the delightful death scene in The Talented Mr Ripley, and I salute your indefatigability in continuing to remember him.

As for the Germinator, we'll save him for the US syndicated version "Ride, Fired, Expired".

Ron Combo said...

I want Clarissa Pouncer on the panel. I miss her. Badly.

Gadjo Dilo said...

This selection process is definitely going in the right direction - even the non-Welshes are called Phillips. Lembo's a shoo-in, "Fearless" Frank Harris could probably manage the rest, leaving little work left for Tom Jones, Ryan Giggs etc. (Ron, you are Clarissa Pouncer, remember?)

No Good Boyo said...

I just want Clarissa Pouncer.

Ian Plenderleith said...

'Shoot, Mount, Stuff, Then Mount Again' is my proposed BBC reality show. Set on a Scottish hunting estate, it portrays the complex relationship between man, wildlife, taxidermy and necrophiliac bestiality. In the old days it would have had to go out after 9, but I understand these restrictions no longer apply on BBC3.

No Good Boyo said...

Cutting edge stuff, Pop, bearing in mind that Scotchmen, like the Catholic Irish, Palestinians and President Obama, are on the BBC's protected species list.

Perhaps if you emphasize the class element - lairds, that sort of thing - you'll get away with it.

SnoopyTheGoon said...

You didn't specify your own role in the proceedings, NGB. You should hurry on account of volunteers. Be always on guard, volunteers are everywhere, damn their obliging little souls.

Oh, and if you need somebody to take charge of buttons and zippers, just shout.

No Good Boyo said...

Duly noted, Snoop. Elaborate corsetry can only add to the sense of occasion.

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