Monday, June 20, 2011

Wars of the Diadochoi

The death of one-man mob Brian Haw leaves a bloke-shaped gap at his unilateral peace camp opposite Parliament. All sorts of unsavoury types, ranging from Brian's supporters to HM Government, are eager to fill it.

That is why we in the Cymru Rouge, who enjoyed his protest on a variety of levels, are launching the Brian Haw Succession Prize to ensure that his absence is well-spent.

We will accept submissions to take Brian's place from all-comers - rather like the empty plinth on Trafalgar Square, but with even more of a transgressive thrill for Britain's progressives.

Four nominations have arrived already and passed the selection criteria. They are:

1. Dr Mabuse. This wild-eyed, cadaverous German thinker looks the part and is down on Capitalism and democracy. He proposes to replace Brian's graphic banners with something altogether more Expressionist - black-on-white posters screaming "SCHIKSAL!" and "ANGST!", all underlit in flaring phosphorous.

Counting against him is his un-Havian silence, and being a doctor means he may get irritated with Brian's supporters asking him about homeopathy and Big Pharma all the time.

We imagine him gesticulating in an angular fashion atop a period Packard, as Independent readers make sympathetic noises about Dresden.



2. Nataliya Vitrenko. Little-known outside her native Ukraine and generally ignored within it, Ms Vitrenko makes up in volume, stridency and spray-can anti-Americanism what she lacks in presence.

She speaks vulnerable English, which will endear her to people who share their lives with cats, and has a catholic selection of banners that combine swastikas with the Stars and Stripes in the approved student manner.

She does have a hill to climb, though. A five-foot scold like the mop-faced women who sell you dried fish in Soviet underpasses, Nataliya cannot match Brian's praying-mantis prowl. Nor does she favour hats - an unusual omission, given the knitted berets sported by her onion-breathed matronly supporters.

On the plus side she likes Lyndon LaRouche, a grim American conspiracy freakshow who fancies HM The Queen as head of an international cocaine cartel. This turbo lunacy would let Vitrenko outflank the 9/11 nutters on Parliament Square who pretend to Brian's pitch.


3. The BBC Question Time audience. We give you 50-odd people - the racial, social and age spectrum of modern Britain in all its lurid diversity - and they think exactly alike.

It's a literally left-field candidacy, granted. Their collective coziness contrasts with Brian's stark vigil, and it's only too easy to imagine squabbles over the crèche rota and gluten issues.

Their sickly pall of patchouli and antihistamine spray could never match Brian's manly musk, and barely would their reedy, am-dram voices buzz above the backbench belches.

But, for all that, these were his people, bound together by the same thought that they had once had. Perhaps a little corner of Whitehall should always be a "Not In Our Name" installation.


4. Jesus Christ. Brian Haw was a religious man. He trained as a carpenter. He spoke out against violence and the powerful of the land. Few disciples joined him on his lonely journey, and most of his followers misunderstood his message.

With the Archbishop of Canterbury not even trying anymore, and Westminster Abbey a short donkey ride away, Our Lord and Saviour's time has come. Again.

He may want to keep quiet about being Jewish, though.

All other nominations sceptically received.





A oes heddwch?

Huw Samphan, Brawd Rhif Un
Adjudicator
Brian Haw Succession Prize
Cymru Rouge

33 comments:

Alistair Coleman said...

I'm all for the venerable Mr Christ, as long as it's the Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter version. Just in case we need someone to hunt vampires.

No Good Boyo said...

Good point, Alistair. He could slay all sorts of vampires, including that of Capital (Karl Marx). But I trust he'll leave the lesbian variety to enliven Hungary and deserted Belgian seaside towns. Without the benefit of James Corden.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Was this Haw fellow related to Lord Haw Haw, the antiwar campaigner of the 1940s? Haw Haw was cruelly martyred, but he may have living descendants worthy of the position.

Francis Sedgemore said...

Hows about the entire commentariat of the Grauniad's Comment is Free? Or the Torygraph's wannabe CiF? That's a few dozen at most, each with a multitude of personalities and avatars.

A oes heddwch?"

Never in a million years, Cymrawd!

Ciaran Rehill said...

Delete Kuralyenko or whatever her name is and insert "Femen". These Kazool (Ukrainian) wimmin promote feminism by wearing skippy bikinis. Now that is my kind of slut...

No Good Boyo said...

His Lordship's heirs don't appear to sit in the Upper House anymore, GB, probably ousted by Blair's vulgar reforms. Otherwise the current Baron Haw II would be able to run the atrocity exhibition from his chambers overlooking the Square.

The CiF/Ch4news/Independent show looks like a series of front organisations run by a couple of Brasnose trustafarians in Shepherd's Bush, Ffransis. They come in to the Question Time studio to keep warm.

As for "heddwch", yours was the correct answer. That posting to the Skomer underwater garrison can wait.

Ciarian, I'm afraid the typically lusty and confused Ukrainian response to the writings of Kate Millet, although welcome under any other circumstances, does not meet the criteria of Hawdom in the accepted spelling.

Unless they want to wear badges on their swimming bonnets and blame Blair for the "Secretary Needed: No Hang-Ups" ads I recall from the Kiev press.

Anonymous said...

Bardak says - I initially wanted the Dr Mabuse because I don't think there's enough German Expressionist shadowplay and angular posturing these days. But the picture and description of the Question Time audience inevitable led my mind to this scene, and it tugs me inexorably into its dark heart... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pp14CdBci0

No Good Boyo said...

There is something compelling about the QT audience lining up on the pavement with their Fairtrade-approved cotton banners, Bardak, if only because they make a larger target.

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

I nominate McChé, ranter extraordinaire, hater of Westminster (or any other government for that matter), anarchist (when he's not Communist), Scotsman of That Ilk, and experienced rough sleeper. I would like my spare room back.

No Good Boyo said...

McChé is a strong contender, Daph, on the basis of your succint précis and his very name, which combines Approved (non-Welsh) Celtdom with unthinking admiration for Latin American desperados. Duly added to the list, which now consists of (including Facebook nominations):

Dr Mabuse
Nataliya Vitrenko
The Question Time audience
Jesus Christ (Vampire Hunter or other)
Lady Thatcher
The (notional)Second Earl of Haw-Haw in the Bezirk Berchtesgarten
McChé

Ciaran Rehill said...

Davina McCall. I saw her today when I was signing on so give her the job. She has a couple of kids and a huge ego to feed. Lets face it when one's only talent is opening your legs for Eric Clapton Job Loss is hard.

Francis Sedgemore said...

"[Davina McCall] has a couple of kids and a huge ego to feed"

"Holly Willow", "Tilly Pippy" and "Chester Micky".

Bless.

It's grim up North London.

No Good Boyo said...

Chaps, Davina has the requisite voice and total lack of self-awareness. The fact that she wants to look after her kids rather than drone on about other people's makes her unworthy of Briandom, though but.

Over on Ye Faceboke I've accepted the nomination of Joanna Lumley, so the ladies are well represented.

Stay-At-Home Indie-Pop said...

I nominate the Mad Dog-Walker of River Road (in Bethesda, MD). Saw him yesterday walking two large hounds, whose leashes he holds up high so that he can use his arms and hands to point at passing drivers and yell abuse at them. No idea what he was saying, but I gave him an encouraging smile. You never know when you might need a good nutter to come to your aid.

No Good Boyo said...

If he puts those hounds on two tatty lengths of string and affects a cider habit you might have a winner there, Pop.

Rod Warner said...

Germaine Greer? I could see her in a tent, howling abuse at the passers by (male only, of course), flinging dung at the Old Bill (her own, of course), sat in front of banners proclaiming her intellectual superiority over - well, everyone. On second thoughts - probably best to keep this idea quiet. She may get wind of it and set off for Camp Greer immediately - perhaps inviting Davina along for a shriek or two, given the Big Brother connection...

No Good Boyo said...

That is an inspired choice, Rod, as Germaine can easily match Brian's mouthy rainbow ignorance. I imagine her flirting with scared Italian exchange students while telling Warwich MA candidates where to stuff their term papers.

Rod Warner said...

Of course - if the old bat could be convinced of her mission to plague the outskirts of Parliament, hopefully she would attract many others of her ilk - the reduction in staff, female and 'new male' at various universities who would flock to the colours, while initially causing much public annoyance, could serve two purposes. One: tertiary education would benefit by their disappearance and, who knows? maybe develop some intellectual rigour. Two: see above, re targets, but also, in time, the Greerists would offer much fun for all. A new Bedlam, for passersby to jeer at, which could become a major tourist attraction. Of course, they would become a commodity in the ongoing oppression of the 'Spectacle' because that's the way the system works (according to these in the know) but I am sure that funds raised would be donated to the correct charities. 'Buy an Armchair for Late Marxists,' etc...
Of course, it's all a dream... old Germaine couldn't last in the Big Brother house, let alone on a pavement. Or any followers.
Discomfort, they do not do... Along with irony, of course...

No Good Boyo said...

Wise words, Rod, and compassionate too. That would leave Bettany Hughes to run all universities with her admirable combination of scholarly rigour, lucid presentation and unbounded hotness.

Simon Dyda said...

Mabuse gets my vote. Or his replacement, whoever that is at the moment.

No Good Boyo said...

I've a feeling David Bowie might be a pretender to the good Doktor's bathchair, if not a contender.

Rod Warner said...

Johann Hari might be a late entrant for this gig...

No Good Boyo said...

The winner has to be a bit tasty, know what I mean? Not every arts grad can hack it. Those Henry Jackson Society ruffians would rag poor Johann rigid.

Rod Warner said...

I was sat with Johann, the Chief Rabbi and the Archbishop of Canterbury only the other day and Mr Hari said that he was looking for a career change. Can't remember his exact words, but I'm sure that does not matter. According to Mr Hari anyway...

Gadjo Dilo said...

This is great - I suddenly feel I'm up-to-date with absolutely everything. Bananas makes the best case - Haw was spirited away to breathe his last in Berlin, after all. I was at school with a descendent of William Joyce. Brian Haw's heroism involved leaving his wife and 7 kids and choosing a path to celebrity that involved (as I understand it) doing very little and doing it in one place. Mabuse, Jesus, and the Question Time audience were required to travel about quite a bit and so would not cope well with the sedentary existence. Nataliya Vitrenko looks like Rosanne Barr and should be dismissed for that reason. I vote for Mr Bean, for more reasons than I can begin to list here.

No Good Boyo said...

Thank you, Gadjo, for your coherent analysis of the contenders. I would like to go further and propose Tony Robinson. He has moved on from playing droll simpleton Baldrick to the more challenging role of smug simpleton Tony Robinson.

Ron Combo said...

Tony Robinson is someone with whom I would not share a glass. I remember him jumping the queue at Lloyds Bank in Clifton, Bristol circa 1987 with an abandon that left me and my fellow queuers speechless. A total twat.
I suggest Tony Blackburn. He's still got a nice grin.

Will H said...

Lovely to see you nogoodboyo. One of the funniest men this side off Offa's Dyke. Beautiful wordsmith and a great blog:

http://alfanalf.blogspot.com/

Not bad for a Welsh...

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