Wales to fire Englishman at Moon
Text of report from Taffinfform news agency
Morgangrad (formerly Cardiff), 23 April: "I's proud to announce that Wales will put the first ever man on the Moon," Minister of Technology, Cars and Fishing Mathonwy ap Scarmas told reporters on day release from the Martyr Cerys Matthews Corrective Ink Detention Centre on Monday [23 April]. "And that man is going to be an English," he laughed.
Responding to international and some indistinct domestic criticism of previous official celebrations of St George's Day (see Taffinfform report "Welsh Police Apologise in Advance for St George's Day violence", passim), Ap Scarmas assured whoever that the Cymru Rouge decision to entrust this task to a representative of Wales's largest non-badger source of infectious diseases was evidence that the People's Government was totally and utterly committed to "diversity, the Millennium and that".
"Ever since the dawn of time, thousands of years ago, Man has looked at the Moon and wondered what the fuck it is," the minister expanded, over the impromptu lunch he had just poured himself. "And none more so than us Welsh.
"Your Egyptians worship the Sun and mad animal things like in science fiction," Ap Scarmas held forth. "The Jews and Arabs stand around mountains, twatting each other with their heathen versions of the Bible. The Aztecs stick bones through their cocks. Good luck to all of them, we says. But Welsh scholars and visionaries have always had a thing about the Moon, from our main lady goddess Arianrhod, right through to Martyr Max Boyce. So it's only fair that we get to conquer it first. The Wirral is not enough."
"Cheers!" he added.
Answering questions about the technical aspects of the Moon mission (codename "Anghenfil yn y Lloer - 2012"), the minister waved vaguely at a powerpoint presentation screen, onto which he had sellotaped a drawing of an Acme cartoon circus cannon perched on top of Mynydd Morgan [formerly Mount Snowdon].
"Out of this big gun we will fire a specially adapted Hillman Imp," he continued. "It will be aimed at the Moon, which research on the government's computer indicates is about 32 miles up and as flat as a posh bird's chest.
"In that motor will be Wales's and the world's first moonanaut, Dave Eversough-Sorey." [chairman of the banned Plaid y Sais (English People's Party) and the country's most persistent, longest-serving and widely-dispersed political prisoner - see Taffinfform report "Welsh opposition leader rushed to prison in two separate vans, again"].
"I can't say how pleased the government is that Dave is going to accept this momentous honour, because we're keeping it as a surprise for him," the upcoming Cymru Rouge luminary and future convicted Manx spy explained.
"He'll have all mod cons for his trip, innit," Ap Scarmas set out. "There'll be 800 Embassy for him, another 800 for the aliens, and 200 Regal for their women. And Silk Cut in case there are any poufs. Fair play."
Asked about food supplies, the former goat-butter conceded "We've been pumping the poor bugger with girl hormones for weeks, so he'll be able to produce his own breast milk for the journey, mind. There's a sack of flummery and a churn in the boot, running off the battery."
Ap Scarmas sounded a note of caution to the late Eversough-Sorey. "He'd better have the Hillman back by Friday, though but. That Chancellor Merkel is visiting from Germany. The president wants to take her up the Rhinogs."
"And!" he leered officially.
In response to a reporter's query about any research experiments that the orbital Englishman might be expected to carry out while "flying between God's uprights", the minister concluded "Absolutely. Dave's chief scientific objective will be to work out how to get his self back by here, 'cause we've got no clue."