Monday, April 23, 2012

Black and Blue Moon

Wales to fire Englishman at Moon

Text of report from Taffinfform news agency 

Morgangrad (formerly Cardiff), 23 April: "I's proud to announce that Wales will put the first ever man on the Moon," Minister of Technology, Cars and Fishing Mathonwy ap Scarmas told reporters on day release from the Martyr Cerys Matthews Corrective Ink Detention Centre on Monday [23 April]. "And that man is going to be an English," he laughed.

Responding to international and some indistinct domestic criticism of previous official celebrations of St George's Day (see Taffinfform report "Welsh Police Apologise in Advance for St George's Day violence", passim), Ap Scarmas assured whoever that the Cymru Rouge decision to entrust this task to a representative of Wales's largest non-badger source of infectious diseases was evidence that the People's Government was totally and utterly committed to "diversity, the Millennium and that".

"Ever since the dawn of time, thousands of years ago, Man has looked at the Moon and wondered what the fuck it is," the minister expanded, over the impromptu lunch he had just poured himself. "And none more so than us Welsh.

"Your Egyptians worship the Sun and mad animal things like in science fiction," Ap Scarmas held forth. "The Jews and Arabs stand around mountains, twatting each other with their heathen versions of the Bible. The Aztecs stick bones through their cocks. Good luck to all of them, we says. But Welsh scholars and visionaries have always had a thing about the Moon, from our main lady goddess Arianrhod, right through to Martyr Max Boyce. So it's only fair that we get to conquer it first. The Wirral is not enough."

"Cheers!" he added.

Answering questions about the technical aspects of the Moon mission (codename "Anghenfil yn y Lloer - 2012"), the minister waved vaguely at a powerpoint presentation screen, onto which he had sellotaped a drawing of an Acme cartoon circus cannon perched on top of Mynydd Morgan [formerly Mount Snowdon].

"Out of this big gun we will fire a specially adapted Hillman Imp," he continued. "It will be aimed at the Moon, which research on the government's computer indicates is about 32 miles up and as flat as a posh bird's chest.

"In that motor will be Wales's and the world's first moonanaut, Dave Eversough-Sorey." [chairman of the banned Plaid y Sais (English People's Party) and the country's most persistent, longest-serving and widely-dispersed political prisoner - see Taffinfform report "Welsh opposition leader rushed to prison in two separate vans, again"].

"I can't say how pleased the government is that Dave is going to accept this momentous honour, because we're keeping it as a surprise for him," the upcoming Cymru Rouge luminary and future convicted Manx spy explained.

"He'll have all mod cons for his trip, innit," Ap Scarmas set out. "There'll be 800 Embassy for him, another 800 for the aliens, and 200 Regal for their women. And Silk Cut in case there are any poufs. Fair play."

Asked about food supplies, the former goat-butter conceded "We've been pumping the poor bugger with girl hormones for weeks, so he'll be able to produce his own breast milk for the journey, mind. There's a sack of flummery and a churn in the boot, running off the battery."

Ap Scarmas sounded a note of caution to the late Eversough-Sorey. "He'd better have the Hillman back by Friday, though but. That Chancellor Merkel is visiting from Germany. The president wants to take her up the Rhinogs." 

"And!" he leered officially.

In response to a reporter's query about any research experiments that the orbital Englishman might be expected to carry out while "flying between God's uprights", the minister concluded "Absolutely. Dave's chief scientific objective will be to work out how to get his self back by here, 'cause we've got no clue."


SnoopyTheGoon said...

Good luck with that venture, but don't be surprised to find upon landing that blue and white stands peddling that Lebanese invention - hummus - have already covered most of the less dusty space on that celestial body. The rest of the surface is covered by used pita wrapping...

No Good Boyo said...

Reminds me of the old Polish joke, from the days when the Soviet space programme seemed to be going places.

First Pole: "Have you heard our Soviet comrades have landed on the Moon?"

Second Pole: "What an achievement for Scientific Socialism! So, what's the Moon like, then? A nice place?"

First Pole (shaking head and sucking in cheeks): "Not anymore it isn't".

jams o donnell said...

Ah what a triumph (sorry Hillman) it will be for Wales to land its first moonanaut.

I am particularly impressed that his smoking needs as well as those of Moonmen and their wives have been taken into consideration.

I await announcements from Morgangrad with anticipation

Anonymous said...

"[A]s flat as a posh bird's chest" produced much mirth here.

No Good Boyo said...

Dave has been given paper, pencil and string for communication purposes, Jams - we assume he'll be able to find a rock. He writes "Claimed for Wales - dim parcio!", ties the note to the rock, and drops it back to Earth.

To be fair, Loob, shireswomen usually keep their top shelves well-stocked, so perhaps it's London flappers there against.

Gorilla Bananas said...

There is something vaguely Welsh about the moon. Isn't it a Welsh custom to show the white of your arse to any toffee-nosed English type who ventures across the border in his Bentley?

No Good Boyo said...

The Welshman, like the Moon, has two sides and many phases, GB. Our good side is always pointing towards ourselves.

Gadjo Dilo said...

If there's aliens you've got a dilemma, like: fight 'em, befriend 'em, colonise 'em, or shag 'em. There's a Englishman a Scotsman an Irishman and a Welshman joke in there somewhere :-)

Gadjo Dilo said... which the punchline is a clip of those Cadbury's Smash characters dubbed into Welsh, but unfortunately even YouTube seems not to have evolved that far yet.

No Good Boyo said...

I am delighted that you are answering your own questions, there, Gadjo, as it saves me the effort. But here's what I think anyway.

The Welsh approach to extraterrestrial aliens will reflect the Welsh approach to human aliens:

If they play us, we'll do alright until the second half then let them win out of our inate sense of fair play and confusion about time.

If they play the English, we'll support the aliens.

If it turns out that aliens are Welsh, we'll ask them where they're from then try to avoid them for the rest of the Moon.

Gadjo Dilo said...

No offence meant, Boyo. In fact miscegenation remains at the top of my own personal list of policies to bring peoples together over here in my adopted country, closely followed by compulsary bilinguality, rugby (union, touch or wheelchair, according to fashion), and enforced folk-dancing.

No Good Boyo said...

So you reject the Thesis of Beecham, that you should try everything once except incest and folk-dancing?

Gadjo Dilo said...

To which somebody, I seem to recall, added a third - never drink anything green.

No Good Boyo said...

I find it difficult to believe that Beecham never touched chartreuse or absinthe, let alone Mountain Dew.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Does anyone still use Beechams Powers. Surely even the Welsh prefer the Vicks inhaler?

Gadjo Dilo said...

I don't think it was Beecham who added the third - possibly it was Alexei Sayle, and I think he had in mind creme de menthe and nearly all forms of herbal 'tea'.

No Good Boyo said...

Sayle's right on that which is not proper tea. Rather Proudhonian of him.