Saturday, November 24, 2012

Scott of Arabia

My forthcoming novel:

A mix-up at Thomas Cook finds Capt Robert Falcon Scott and his chums deposited on the shores of Arabia Deserta.

Undeterred by blistering heat, expiring huskies and the constant chafing of sand under their thermals, the men of the Terra Nova Expedition trudge off, Aqaba-bound, shod in tennis rackets and furs.

With foul pipes clenched in sunbleached teeth, they drag sleds of fermenting pemmican and donkey corpses across the Devil's Anvil.

Salvador Dalí, a young Catalan artist diverted from Tangiers by a Cox & King's clerk with a loathing for Modernism, strokes the unshaven half of his chin thoughtfully, and pens a pneumatique in betel juice to Luis Buñuel.

But, as Scott approaches the Red Sea to turn the Turkish guns, he sees a Norwegian flag fluttering above the Mameluke fort...

Meanwhile, a North German Lloyd cruise ship debouches etiolated Welsh invert Capt T.E. Lawrence near Ross Island, Antarctica.

His white robes billow in merciless squalls while he pitches a tent of sheer muslin. Lawrence squints into the ebbing Sun. His etchings and easel fly out across McMurdo Sound.

"I shall name this frigid landfall Cape Dahoum..." he apostrophises an iceberg, just as an orca describes a perfect arc through the inky skies and snaps his head off.

Lawrence's body teeters on the marbled strand for a moment, before toppling into the deep.


6 comments:

Gadjo Dilo said...

Does Lawrence ask a couple local King Penguins to spank him a bit before he can feel comfortable enough to face the journey ahead? I do hope there's going to be a LOT Of perversion in this novel.

jams o donnell said...

To T E Lawrence: Cold schmold it's still a desert

looby said...

It's quite odd reading a post of yours without the bold typography-as-punctuation.

Can you lend us fifty quid till I get paid?

No Good Boyo said...

Gadjo, you surmise correctly that Lawrence continues his adventures at the Southern Cross, despite his missing head.

Jams - TE becomes more phlegmatic, and even to the point of enduring Yiddish from some sassy penguins.

Glad someone noticed my new, leaner style, Looby - my beloved emboldenings only work over a long post, to throw the reader off with elitist syncopations.

jams o donnell said...

phlegmatic? It must be the pneumonia....

No Good Boyo said...

True. Decapitation does nothing for the bronchia. Nothing at all.