Sunday, March 30, 2008

I Shot George Orwell


Not entirely true, but it was the headline that loomed out of the Ripperian fog of my mind in a Bloomsbury student hostel sometime in September 1985.

It was fast followed, in true Hammer style, by an orchestral blare of "Noooo!" as I realized I'd let a journalistic career-kickstart walk off the National Express at Digbeth without leaving his name.

Then I fell asleep, and thought little of it for years. The next day I flew to the Soviet Union for a year of language debasement, alcohol riffs, cramped sexual encounters and hair loss.

It all started in Llangollen, where I boarded the London bus with high hopes, thermal underwear and an encouraging lecture from my Uncle Dai on KGB honey traps. I sat next to a flat-capped gent who might have been a Robert-Maxwell-O-Gram in earlier days. We got talking, and it turned out he was a Czech wartime emigré who'd spent the last few decades as a manager for Lucas, the headlamp people.

I turned the conversation as quickly as I could from car components to interwar Czechoslovakia, and took a step into a world I was only to enter in earnest the following day - the realm of full-on Communist nuttery.

Our man - for the sake of simplicity let's call him Jiří - was a leftwing Socialist in the early 1930s. He'd had his first brush with international intrigue when smuggling party literature into Austria, which was then run by a midget fascist yokel called Engelbert Dollfuss. The police caught Jiří in Vienna, held him overnight, and deported him to Czechoslovakia the following morning.

They carried out the deportation by making him walk all the way back to Bratislava, a petty gesture that marked down the Dolfuss regime as lacking the brio necessary to qualify as truly fascist. I like to think this was one of the reasons why Mussolini let Hitler take Austria in 1938 - dearth of la bella figura.

When his call-up papers came through Jiří decided that munching those Czech cheese pasties in an Olomouc barracks while waiting for Adolf to call didn't sit well with his reputation for woeful foreign adventures. So he swapped national service for three years of fighting Franco in Spain.

By now Jiří's jaded collectivist palate was demanding the gamier flavours of Stalinism, and he spurned the dowdy International Brigades for the thrills and glamour of the Soviet goon squad in Barcelona.

“Our main target was Trotskyites.”

I shared his contempt for trustafarians in keffiyehs, but suggested that Francoists, Falangists, Carlists, fifth-columnists, Fifth Monarchy Men and other rotters were surely a higher priority.

“Not for us, boy. POUM were collaborating with Franco, and had misled large part of Catalan proletariat.”

The POUM used the Catalan language, George Orwell was proud to be in their rambunctious ranks, and I seemed to remember that Anaïs Nin was their leader. This tipped my minority, literary, romantic heart lazily in their favour when compared with rat-faced Russians in dead men’s suits.

(I also liked the Durrutti Column because they defended Madrid and didn't brag about it. If I’d run a Spanish anarchist outfit I’d have called it the Bugatti Brigade and just waited for the petrolheads to sue. And I'd have been a Basque, too.)

Anyway, Jiří set me right on all this objectively-bourgeois flummery that passed for my historical knowledge.

“Listen, they were bunch of nun-loving Nazi poufs. They had to go, and we were the blokes to get them gone.”

There followed accounts of beret-wearing intellectuals and baffled dockworkers being blatted by the J Man and his greasy mates in a variety of primitive and protracted ways, often involving masonry tools.

This brought him to a startling account of a shift that went wrong at the coalface of revolutionary violence.

“So we spent whole day waiting in lobby of hotel where some English Trot was staying. He never turn up. Wife tip him off about us before we could tip him off balcony.”

“Er, any idea what he was called?”

“No. Writer or something. Frondeur!”

"Was his name Blair, Eric Blair?”

“Could be, sounds familiar. Wrecker!”


I gave Jiří an O-level synopsis of Homage to Catalonia, recalling mention of Mrs Blair's flight from a hotel. He acknowledged that it could have been him and his team of charmers.

"If you’d known who he was, would you have killed him?"

“Of course. He was fifth-columnist, Trotsky-Maxtonite traitor to worker class. My boys would have tattooed hammer and sickle on his head with bullets. We had many. Soviet economy strong,”
he confirmed.

How different world literature would have been if Jiří and The Mausers had fulfilled their Five-Bullet Plan that day. No Animal Farm or 1984. We'd have had to make do with Charlotte's Web and the unfilmable Brave New World.

Jiří got out to Britain via France in 1940 to serve in the Free Czech Forces with distinction. He remained true to Uncle Joe throughout, as further Tales of Violence and Hypocrisy attested, but the dialectic urged him to stay in cosy Britain in 1948 rather than return to Soviet-run Czechoslovakia.

He proceeded to build Socialism in One Company, and probably helped apply Plekhanov's dictum "The worse, the better" to British Leyland in the 1970s.

He left the coach at Birmingham full of envy at my imminent submersion in Soviet life. I wish I'd taken his phone number, as his story deserved a better telling than I've managed here.

Still, spotting a chance and letting it go is what life is all about. Just like Jiří and Mr Orwell.

153 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

I read that accursed memoir of Orwell's and deeply regretted it. All I can remember is that the anarchists hated the Church and Orwell wanted to shoot a fascist. Amazing that this Czech fellow got a management job at Lucas. Makes you wonder what would have happened if British Leyland had recruited Beria as its CEO instead of that South African midget.

No Good Boyo said...

Orwell's account of workers' Barcelona, presented by an idealistic young English teacher, made me a horrified conservative at 15.

I don't think General Tojo could have done much with British Leyland by that stage, frankly GB. Even if he'd built kamikaze Austin Maxis, they'd have missed somehow.

Gadjo Dilo said...

The only thing I remember about Hommage to Catalonia was Orwell saying he wanted to congratualate the man who shot him. To me, Ken Loach's film Land and Freedom, which celebrates the POUM, is too perfect a cinematic experience to make any other point of view believable!

M C Ward said...

This is as fine a literary anecdote as I've heard, NGB. Was this Czech, by any chance, involved in the design of the Allegro or the Marina? I reckon he was a red agent plotting the downfall of the British car industry, or at least accelerating it.

No Good Boyo said...

Yup, Gadjo, Loach is an example of Shklovsky's dictum that "the flag of art never bears the colours of the city". A man whose own politics are chumped-up manages to produce crystal-clear films. As a sort of Marxist, he would hate that.

MC, many thanks. I remember telling my history professor about the incident a year later. His apoplexy at my having failed to note down the details of this historical player was softened by his admiration for my Cole-Porteresque langour about the whole business.

Jiří got no further than headlamps in his quest to hollow-out the British motor industry. He probably had something to do with those yellow-tinged ones with cellophane that kept coming unstuck.

Gadjo Dilo said...

I meant my comments about the film to be praise rather than critisism (and I know Spaniards whom it’s reduced to tears), but I take your point gratefully and wish I'd had a better political education. (I still haven't exactly warmed to Jiří, though.)

MC could be right. British Leyland (or whatever they were called) liked to use foreign designing talent: hence the Morris "Ital", Alec Issigonis the creator of the Mini was Greek, and the Leyland Princess was designed by Satan.

No Good Boyo said...

I too was praising the film, Gadjo, and all of Loach's work. It's the disconnect between his political imbecility (he's a supporter of circus performer George Galloway) and the finery of his films that struck me.

sakcloth and ashes said...

Fascinating post, NGB. Incidentally, I reckon Jiri could have done Vienna to Bratislava on foot in about two days, which is better than a KZ or a GuLag any day.

chris l said...

Put me down as a great admirer of Homage to Catalonia. I think it's a wonderful book. I didn't see Land and Freedom precisely because Loach is so off the rails. But the recommendations here have got me thinking maybe I should give it a go.

No Good Boyo said...

Thanks Sackcloth. He told me it took him a day and a half, so that would make sense.

Chris, hope you enjoy the film. I look forward to any documentary Mr Loach might want to make about Saddam and the cash-for-oil scandal, but I'm not holding my breath.

Gadjo Dilo said...

It is a very moving film. I'm no expert on the Spanish Civil War -or indeed on Mr Loach's oeuvre - but maybe as it was the last ever war that anyone will be able to get dewy-eyed about it was harder for Loach to screw up!

Perversely, I liked Galloway more when he did that cat impersonation, but still not enough to vote for him :-)

The Jet Set said...

A very enjoyable post, It's really amazing who you bump into in Wales.

By the way I liked Homage to Catalonia

No Good Boyo said...

Very true, Bonheddwr Set. Sadly, like Jiří and myself, they're more often on their way out of Wales than in.

Stay-At-Home Indie-Pop said...

I'm glad you wrote it all down - if I'd heard you telling it down the pub, I'd have automatically assumed you made the whole thing up. Great story, either way.

While we're on the subject, I can recommend 'The Anarchists of Casas Viejas' by Jerome R Mintz (Indiana University Press, 1982), the story of the only successful anarchist revolution in Spain in the 30s (and doubtless any other decade) that took over one village, for one day in 1933 before being suppressed. For those of us still keen to implement global anarcho-syndicalism in a cash-free society, it's a gauge of the struggles ahead, right enough.

No Good Boyo said...

Stay-At-Home, I remember a Radio 4 (where else?) discussion that must have been about that book. These chaps decided that the best way to fight Franco was to draw up mullet-trawling rotas, am I right? I admire that sort of heroic stubbornness, and also enjoy dreams of anarcho - although less of the syndicalism.

SnoopyTheGoon said...

Anarcho-syndicalism? Isn't their current top honcho one Noam Chomsky, the Mastermind of the Century?

Anyway, this is not what it is about. Great story indeed. And that Jiří character - ach, don't I wish...

No Good Boyo said...

Exactly, Snoop. Anything that has Chomsky involved is bound to be pants. Can't help smiling when I heard some research recently on the differences between Chinese and English that would undermine his universal grammar theory if true.

I think Noam is right on that one myself, but doesn't mean I'd not be happy to see scholarly endeavour perverted as long as it made him cross. I'm like that.

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