Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Wales to launch Arabic TV channel

A statement by Brâd ap Ŷt, chairman of the Cymru Rouge Commissariat of Foreign Relations and Unprovoked War Broadcasting and Censorship Department:

The Comrade Commissar for Fighting, Brother Iago Anffawd, has rightly remarked that "anyone who seeks a real ruck in this modern world of ours cannot afford to overlook the immense potential of the Arab nations" ("Mae'r 'rabod 'na wastad lan am uffar o sgarmas, chimod." - Address to the United Nations Development Programme International Women's Day conference, 8 March 2008).

The English neolab BBC's recent launch of an Arabic television channel is literally a skewer thrust through the sweetbreads of Cymric hegemony in the Middle East. Not content with its radio service and Foreign Office, England wants to dominate all areas of Arabian intercourse.

With this and the higher interests of the dai-alogue of civilisations - announced by Brother Leader Huw Samphan at the ceremonial closure of the University of Wales in Year Zero Minus Five (2005) - in hand, the Cymru Rouge Broadcasting and Censorship Department hereby inaugurates Sianel Goch i'r Arabiaid (SGA - Red Channel for the Arabs) TV.

A review of current pan-Arab channels (Al-Jazeera, Al-Arabiya, Al-Alam, Al-Manar, Al-BBC) reveals a surprising degree of uniformity beneath the apparent diversity of political, and cultural vectors - namely that they all broadcast in Arabic.

SGA TV will refuse to talk down to its audience in their own language, but will respect their desire to embrace the modern world by broadcasting totally and utterly in Welsh.

A similar refreshing policy will apply in news, religious, cultural and entertainment scheduling, said Channel Director-General and former DJ Ali ap Rap.

"Our coverage will avoid stale reports about Iraq, Gazza, horse racing and oil prices in favour of exciting developments in the world of Welsh Marxism, rugby and slate-mining," Rap told Taffinfform news agency from behind his spinning turntables at the Ministry of Culture and Interrogation (formerly Clwb Ifor Bach).

"Likewise our director of religious programming, the Rev Goronwy Elias of the Independent Calvinist (Independent) Church in Cerigrafu, will bring a new, Evangelical angle to those endless debates about prophets, fatwas and wearing bags on your head - all of which he approves of, by the by," added Rap.

Aware of the demographical demand for children's programming, Ap Rap reported that he would be presenting a regular before-the-midnight-watershed show himself. "'Sesh!!' will feature all the latest in Welsh teenage drinking and pregnancy developments, coming at ya!" he grinned aimlessly.

Another area in which SGA TV will differ from other, lesser pan-Arab channels will be in its treatment of women.

"Look at their lady presenters," nodded Rap to the phat sounds of a Shaky/Umm Kalthoum mash-up, "It's Apartheid Wall-to-Wall honies, mun. How d'you think that makes fat birds feel? Exactly. That's why all our bulletins will be presented by munters from Carmarthen what we auditioned outside the chippy."

Asked what array of correspondents SGA TV intends to base in the Middle East and at key foreign bureaux, Rap took the opportunity to note another fundamental difference between his and other pan-Arab broadcasters.

"Any independent observer will agree that a measure of distance from the heated disputes of the region can only benefit news values. That's why we are keeping well out of it up by here, mun," Rap expounded, pointing to the lavish SGA TV studio and entertainment suite located behind the stage.

"If I was looking for tribal rivalry, religious fanaticism, endemic underdevelopment, misguided colonial adventures and funny stuff with sheep I'd have stayed home in Dwyfor, innit," he added.

SGA TV is available on terrestrial channels in the Morgangrad (formerly Cardiff) area of Wales, and by subscription on a series of C60 cassettes from the Welsh Ministry of External Trade, Trafficking and White Slavery (audio only).


M C Ward said...

Are there plans to expand broadcast into the Americas?

Incidentally, that is only the second use I have ever seen of the term "munter", the other being by my friend Nigel, who is also inarguably a Welsh.

And I've commented before Gorilla Bananas for once.

Ian Plenderleith said...

It's a Welsh TV show about a family from the Valleys - The Munters.

Gadjo Dilo said...

I've never heard the word "munters" before, but I think I’d like them reading the news, as long as the news was about chips (with a curry sauce special edition on Sunday evenings).

Yeah, where is Mr Bananas today?

Gorilla Bananas said...

Here I am, Gadjo. Give an ape a chance to get his bearings, boyo!

The Arabs will lap this up like hot sweet tea. The munters will go down particularly well - fat white women are an exotic delicacy in those parts. I think they should invite Kinnock on for a regular slot - he looks a bit like Jumblatt.

No Good Boyo said...

gadjo - "Munter", as far as I can tell, pops up all over the country. My Glaswegian colleague "Kronie" MacLeod tells me that "minty" is a term for an unfavoured lady. The German and Yiddish means "happy", so perhaps it's one of those cases of people using a word in its negative meaning to ward off the evil eye. Who knows.

MC - the tapes are available for posting to all corners of the earthly disk. Just pay your sub.

Pop - good to hear from you. If I punt your idea to S4C there's a credit in it for you, I promise.

I think Gorilla Bananas is off blogging.

No Good Boyo said...

By "off blogging" I mean he's "gone blogging", not that he's against it. That would be the end of my and most other worlds.

Gadjo Dilo said...

"The Munters", a story of ill-adjusted Valley folk, it's a great idea, and Ward & Boyo are the men to do it, (do for Merthyr Tydfil what Clement and La Frenais did for Newcastle, Galton and Simpson did for East Cheam, Grant and Naylor did for outer space, etc).

GB is a rock of stability in a world of chaos. As is the attractiveness of fat white women.

No Good Boyo said...

GB, there's a lot to be said for a woman who can double up as a duvet.

Kinnock and his shrill bedmate will indeed be regular guests on the "Knackersack" element of our children's programming, in which a enemy of the people is put in a sack and knackered. It does what it says on the box.

When I was at college in Swansea (Bicycle Maintenance & Plastiscene Expression, joint honours), there was a Lebanese PhD student who looked just like Mr Jumblatt. He was also called Walid, which added to the piquancy.

A possibler sympathizer with the Amal militia (remember them?), he once occupied a telephone box in the name of jihad. Or maybe he was just making a call. Either way I and subsequently the South Wales Police weren't taking any chances.

Gadjo, my chum Sioba Siencyn and I once came up with a treatment for "Llan Ast" a Welsh-language sitcom about an inbred village of cannibals presided over by a Calvinist-Satanist minister. We were so pleased with ourselves. Then we saw the League of Gentlemen. In the words of Lloyd George, we were "dogged by the mocking specter of Too Late!"

Better than being dogged by a fat bird from Carmarthen, though but.

Gadjo Dilo said...

You could still do it, NGB. As a Christian myself (yes, you can burn me now) - Independent Primitive Methodist (Independent) - I personally (for what that's worth, probably nothing) welcome challenges to the excesses expounded by both Calvinism and Satanism, (and your right of free-speech to make them obviously).

League of Gentlemen was Welsh...oh surely. Just transferred (badly) to somewhere in England to improve ratings.

Miss Carnivorous said...

"Immense potential of Arab nations?" That's a good one. Hee hee.

Somebody must be hot for the fat White chicks. I see a lot of them pushing baby strollers. But maybe that's just "baby weight gain."

The Birdwatcher said...

The munters sounds like a second rate version of the Archers, which as every right thinking Englishman knows reflects the true nature of the heart and soul of an Englishman and accurately (unlike my speling)reflects the political reality of what it is like to live in England. Forget all this crap about swearing loyalty to the queen, to qualify for citizenship one should have to pass a test on the Archers. A rigorous test at that.

No Good Boyo said...

Gadjo - oh dear. I hoped that Primitive Methodists would be more inclined to crusading and inquisiting - qualities we Maoists admire in the faith-based community - rather than this Anglican "yes, we can see your point" nonsense. The only point I'd be interested is the stake coming out of the top of an infidel's head. Surely you can pick up a few tips on that sort of muscular Christianity from your Wallachian neighbours...

Mr Birdwatcher, there are two types of Briton:

1. Those who have their friends tape Archers omnibuses for them and send them to remote outposts - usually including a pot of Gentleman's Relish and a spank mag.

2. Those who would disengage the honeyed lips of Ukrainian singing sensation and slattern Svetlana Loboda from their member and leap screaming across the room to switch off Radio 4 once "that" signature tune begins.

So that's me surrendering my passport any day now.

Ms Carnivorous - your intemperate dismissal of entire nations and social classes is indicative of the sort of attitude that degrades the Intern Net. As such, you are most welcome in my comments box and, in an ideal world, specially-equipped cellar.

Lc said...


Hello from Faial Island - Azores.

Come and meet our beautiful island in the middle of the Atlantic...

Leave me a comment, to keep in touch.

Mrs Boyo said...

A point of clarification: No Good Boyo's cellar contains a dismembered bicycle, a box full of tears that once held his attempt at a doctoral thesis, and a stack of magazines that I do not deign to examine further.

I'm disappointed to see the Azores advertised on this site. If one has to host commercials, they might as well be from an entity with some self-respect like Brazil rather than a flinty appendage of Portugal - the Soctland of Iberia.

M C Ward said...

Mrs Boyo, you are welcome to visit my adopted country whenever you like, as far as I am aware.

GD - No Good and myself did sketch out a Hollywood blockbuster that I'm busily touting, but if there's some kind of advance involved, I'll write virtually anything.

Gadjo Dilo said...

You guys actually did try to write this thing? Respect!

Speaking of great comedy, yeah, I probably am a bit Derek Nimmo. But I don't suppose it does any real harm.

Speaking of flinty Portuguese appendages, Mrs B., I've a friend who went to live on São Tomé, but has now also had to exchange her (nookie-orientated) thesis of fulsome Man Friday fishermen for a box full of tears.

M C Ward said...

GD - here's the plot outline, copyright mine and Boyo's of course:

I said, "Get this - a TEFL teacher in Latin America joins the Cymru Rouge, rises through the ranks and is eventually sent as ambassador to Ruthenia with his Ukrainian spouse, where he gets involved in cachaça-induced japes and sinister episodes of physical and mental torture. Maybe Timothy Spall would take the lead? I imagine a twenty-first century Citizen Smith meets Zorra Total."

Boyo responded: "Sod the BBC, that's got Hollywood treatment written all over it. (Rumbling Voice, over Rio scenes): Far from the Copacabana (cut to snaggle-toothed peasant riding a goat in a top hat) deep in the forests of Ruthenia, there's monkey juice that needs drinking (close-up of cachaça bottle slamming down on a table surrounded by sweaty men in ill-fitting uniforms). And here's the mouth that's going to do it (crash-zoom from across a cellar deep into the throat of a screaming man tied to a Medieval dentist's chair). (Clanging noise over smoky screen, with male silhouette slowly emerging) Sean Penn is mc ward. (Unhinged woman, stomping towards camera) Helen Lederer is his made-up scary Ukrainian wife who's nothing at all like Mrs Boyo. (Gurning thugs yell in close-up) Keith Allen, Ray Winstone and Ralph Brown are the population of Ruthenia, in..."

We haven't settled on a title yet, but I'm sure you'll agree, it'll be memorable stuff.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Oh, this is gold. Can I have a small role as a wandering gypsy troubadour and sex muffin? Some half-baked ideas for the title: Apocalypse ar hyn o dro...¡Viva cachaça!...How Green Was My Youthful Communist Idealism...

Sean Penn would rise to the challenge; Spally's the ideal "everyman" central figure; that Ken Campbell could play the goat. I'd like to be played by my fellow Romanian Maia Morgenstern (honestly, I've seen her on stage and she's frightening good at playing blokes, I questioned myself repeatedly afterwards). But who'd have the temerity to play The Boyo?? Rhys Ifans?

Helen Lederer, eh?

No Good Boyo said...

All our little chums will receive cameos of varying degrees of grisliness, depending on what they can contribute. You, Gadjo, have the greatest gift of all - location.

Helen Lederer, mmmm. A Welsh. Her finest moment, in terms of embonpoint, was as an East European goldigger in Bottom, Mrs Boyo's least favourite comedy (after the Mighty Boosh).

Film titles are always tricky, but I'd like if possible to steal one suggested by Gyppo Byard - "They Died With Their On".

I'd like Bill Bailey to play me, and indeed to stand in for me in all of life's tricky moments.

No Good Boyo said...

That ought to be "They Died With Their Heads On" .

Gadjo Dilo said...

Ah yes, Bill Bailey; I was recently counting of all the things I miss about Blighty - Marmite, cricket, liberalism, a sense of irony - but I think I miss Bill most of all.

No Good Boyo said...

Gadjo, this clip of Bill is a distillation of all the qualities that you miss:

Gadjo Dilo said...

Billy Boy! And I thought I recognised Kevin Eldon there on the right (so brilliant he was in Sean Lock's "15 Minutes of Misery"). Sean Lock. I'm getting tearful now.

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