Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The Longest Weekend


Dear Mr Cameron,

I trust that this letter finds you and Mr Clegg in good health.

Mr Brown, your predecessor and a fellow Scotchman, albeit of the more common truculent variety, used to collect suggestions for national celebrations on the Downing St website.

We now appreciate that he ought to have been scolding bankers and pretending to admire Mr Obama instead of reading block-capital demands that he should resign in favour of various motoring correspondents.

Especially as his staff of grammar-school bullies rejected one of the few ideas that might have given the public a hearty dose of British spunk and rebuffed the Muslim Menace, namely my proposal for Fenella Fielding Day.

This Great Coalition of Yours has so far chosen to disregard our various Cymru Rouge offers of political footsie, and has not even had the nous to steal our cruel but fair policies. So perhaps the time has come to appeal to your unthinking conservatism.

Evelyn Waugh, the off-the-peg Papist with bespoke reactionary views, lamented that Tory governments never turn the clock back. Your readiness to anger your own Highland clansmen by literally turning the winter clock back encourages me to think that you might accept my proposal to drag Britain, pimp-rolling and glottalising, into the 1940s.

"Why the 1940s?" you drawl. I have carried out audience research among the usurers, recovering lepers and mad-haired women who constitute my Facebook followers, and they all agree that the 1940s made the best war films.

You and I know that the 1940s made the best war, while the films belong to later decades. But my Morlocks have a point. Britain's current economic, social and political conditions are moving steadily towards the 1937 indicators, and your Coalition echoes the lion-eats-lamb Biblical balance of Mr Baldwin's National Government. So the 1940s are indeed something to aspire to.

These Liberal Democrat cabinet ministers are a shower, although that's an improvement on their voters - who simply need a shower. You laugh. See? That's traditional 1940s humour, usually delivered before some Limehouse stage props by a man in a five-piece suit to an audience of pickpockets and costermongers. I think the Nation is ready.

I propose that the government reorganise public life along the lines of our best war films. I don't mean pacifist nonsense like either Paths or Tunes of Glory, but rather those evergreen paeans to Britons' licking Hitler and other undesirables through impromptu ingenuity, feudal fealty, speaking very fast and putting the Poles to good use.

I have in mind "Sink the Bismarck!", "Went the Day Well", "Mrs Miniver", "Ill Met By Moonlight", "Brief Encounter", "The Goose Steps Out", "In Which We Serve" and all those Sherlock Holmes films with Basil Rathbone.

British life will be based on the Kitchener morality, breakneck diction, blithe prejudices, smoking endurance records, eerie cuisine and occasional personal hygiene of these films.

The most important lesson, as ever, concerns class. Britain is a scarecrow sown from many cloths - the Harris tweed of Scotland, Irish lace, English houndstooth and Welsh stonewashed denim - and its seams can only run true if everyone knows which side to dress to.

War films reinforce the wholesome order reflected in your own Government, Mr Cameron, with their officer corps of effete English aristos, dour but dependable Scotch NCOs, brave, bantering cockney corporals, incoherent, expendable Welsh sappers, Irish fifth-columnists and fesity terriers with vaguely racialist names.

"But how will our more recent Muslim, Hindu, Afro-Caribbean, Roma and Geordie citizens fit in this cosy communal hierarchy?" you may ask, glancing nervously over your shoulder.

The question is appropriate. In the 1940s Britain hosted only two significant immigrant communities - the anti-fascist Italian miners of Wales and Scotland, and the German Jewish refugees of most public libraries in North London.

It was in some ways unfortunate that our chief antagonists in the 1939-1945 War were precisely Italy and Germany, as this meant that these noble, sad-eyed people with their waistcoats and drooping moustaches spent the war locked up on the Isle of Man with dozens of Mosleyite pederasts and, for all I know, Rudolf Hess.

As such they feature little in our war film catalogue, and provide far from reassuring role models for our bearded, multi-armed and roofless minorities.

The answer is thick-ankled Thatcherite laisser choisir, which lets our newer compatriots decide for themselves which silver-screen nationality to emulate.

Your Liberal Democrat colleagues' historic pandering to communal interests in local government will ensure that this process is not carried out in a messy personal manner, but rather through the agency of religious and gang leaders, whose ethnic and faith groups will convert en masse to Celtdom, Cocknicity or what have you.

The social workers and librarians who once voted Liberal Democrat find themselves politically and soon literally homeless. They will be given a stake in the Big Society by retraining our minorities in their ethnos of choice.

For example, if Sikhs decide to become Scotchmen they will need to acquire the keys to the Treasury and a mystifying sense of grievance. The newly-English Hindus will have to channel their energy into random football commentary and freestyle drinking, while the Welsh Gypsies will need watching very, very carefully.

Anyone wanting to be German will be taken aside for a quiet word, and the whole world eagerly awaits the advent of the Muslim Ulstermen.

Other aspects of our war-film culture will help to make Britain a breezier place:



  • Speaking very fast without opening your mouth much will confound the lip-readers of foreign intelligence services and reduce the amount of time needed for TV and radio broadcasts.



  • Double-fisted smoking and abstinence from central heating will save on NHS bills, while most medical treatments will be replaced by alcoholic GPs' bellowing "stuff and nonsense!", cross-country running for the highly-strung, and the application of wire wool and Dettol to persistent wounds.



  • Foreign policy will change little, amounting as it already does to sponging off the Americans, eyeing "Ivan" warily, alternately ignoring and shooting at Continentals, and pointless badgering about in the Near East.



There are many other benefits to the 1940s, such as a deluded optimism on the Left about their ability to make the world, and indeed Britain itself, a better place.

You, Mr Cameron, will be able to exploit this by welcoming the bluff fellows of the Labour Party into government as less annoying coalition partners, just like Mr Churchill did.

Labour will be buoyed by the belief that an electoral landslide is just around the corner. And the whole nation will enjoy watching the Liberals retreat to the Marches and Rievers where they belong, there to judge sheepdog trials and give Celtic drunks a party to play with.

Here's how!

Yours etc,

Huw Samphan, chief adjudicator (external affairs and fighting)
The Cymru Rouge

38 comments:

Ciaran Rehill said...

Imagined communities (Anderson) One cannot possibly know all English/Welsh/Scots and therefore the nation only notionally exists. Invented tradition (Hobsbawm) the nation tied together by certain common values/beliefs/mythical tales of origin.

No Good Boyo said...

I'm an Anderson fan too, Ciaran, and posted earlier on the invention of the Welsh:

"While some celebrate invasions, conversions, displacements and defenestrations, we have an annual toga party and give one another big wooden chairs for the best poem."


(http://alfanalf.blogspot.com/2009/10/plant-y-cerrig.html)

As national traditions are all invented, it stands to reason that anyone ought to be welcomed in if they accept the shared myths - just like religions, but with poets and artillery.

Stay-At-Home Indie-Pop said...

Lincolnshire (and many other parts of Britain, I suspect) is still stuck in the 1940s, so it'll be no problem for us.

Ciaran Rehill said...

We could go into a longeur about the invention of Welsh nationalism in Victorian Britain but won't!

Gadjo Dilo said...

Ah, the 1940s, when the street urchins spoke RADA English and one could smoke 80 Craven 'A' a day and experience no ill effects whatsoever.

Inded, I remind myself of the large and vocal Let's Promote Our Motoring Correspondents to the Highest Jobs in the Land movement whenever I think it might be a good idea to return to a sensible country like Britain. Works every time.

Sauti Ndogo said...

Wait no longer for the Muslim Ulsterman. Just say hello to a Somali.

I've never met a Somali I didn't like. Have you ever met an Irishman you didn't like?

Fesity terriers?

No Good Boyo said...

Sorry, old man, should be "Feisty".

Anonymous said...

advertising
my web page :: http://www.echo-factory.com/member/4768/

Anonymous said...

It's a shame you don't have a donate button! I'd most certainly donate to

this superb blog! I guess for now i'll settle for

bookmarking and adding your RSS feed to my Google account.

I look forward to new updates and will share this site with my Facebook
group. Chat soon!
My webpage - solonets

Anonymous said...

I am usually to blogging and i actually

admire your content. The article has actually peaks my interest.

I am going to bookmark your

website and preserve checking for brand spanking new information.
Also visit my web site :: classifieds free Javea

Anonymous said...

I’d have to test with you here. Which isn't one

thing I usually do! I enjoy reading a post that will make people think. Also, thanks for

allowing me to comment!
Feel free to surf my blog post travel to spain vs italy

Anonymous said...

I’ve recently started a website, the information you provide on this web

site has helped me tremendously. Thanks for all of your time
& work.
Feel free to visit my weblog : simply click the next document

Anonymous said...

An impressive share, I just given this onto a colleague who was doing

slightly evaluation on this. And he in fact bought me breakfast
because I

found it for him.. smile. So let me reword
that: Thnx for the treat! However yeah Thnkx for

spending the time to debate this, I really feel strongly about it and
love studying more on this topic. If potential, as you change into expertise, would you thoughts updating your weblog with
more

particulars? It's highly useful for me. Huge thumb up for this

blog put up!
Look at my weblog - Mingiest

Anonymous said...

Wow! Thank you! I permanently wanted to write on my

website something like that. Can I implement a portion
of your post to my

website?
My site :: jufry2u.blogspot.ru

Anonymous said...

hello there and thank you for your info - I have definitely picked up anything new from right here.
I did however expertise some technical issues using this site, since
I experienced to reload the website many times previous

to I could get it to load correctly. I had been
wondering if your web hosting is OK? Not that

I am complaining, but slow loading instances times
will sometimes affect your

placement in google and could damage your high quality
score if advertising and

marketing with Adwords. Well I’m adding this RSS to my e-mail and could
look out for

much more of your respective intriguing content.
Ensure that you update

this again soon..
Review my web page ... http://www.02pd.it/

Anonymous said...

It is appropriate time to make some plans for the longer term

and it is time to be happy. I've read this post and if I may I wish to suggest you few attention-

grabbing issues or suggestions. Maybe you can write subsequent articles

relating to this article. I want to read more things about it!
Also visit my web page - friendsseeking.com

Anonymous said...

You made some good points there. I did a search on
the

subject matter and found the majority of

folks will agree with your blog.
Here is my homepage : en.martinuswiki.org

Anonymous said...

Excellent read, I just passed this onto a friend who was doing
a little research on that. And he

actually bought me lunch as I found it for him smile Thus let me rephrase that:

Thank you for lunch!
Also see my website :: guerracivil.Noticia.es

Anonymous said...

Excellent post. I used to be checking constantly this blog
and I am

inspired! Very useful information particularly the

final phase :) I maintain such

info much. I used to be seeking this certain information

for a very lengthy time. Thanks and good luck.
Also see my web page :: http://ennobler.unnsi.nkat.forum.mythem.es/

Anonymous said...

Hmm is anyone else having problems with the images on this blog
loading? I'm trying

to determine if its a problem on my end or if it's the blog.

Any

suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
My site ; rls.se

Anonymous said...

Wow! This could be one particular of the most
beneficial blogs We have ever arrive across

on this subject. Actually Excellent. I'm also an expert in this topic so I can understand your effort.
Look at my webpage http://muslimfacebook.net

Anonymous said...

I am constantly searching online for posts that can help me.
Thank you!
Feel free to surf my blog Mplindopleingroenenklein.nl

Anonymous said...

There are certainly a number of particulars like that to take into
consideration. That could

be a nice level to bring up. I provide the thoughts above as

general inspiration however clearly there are questions like the
one you

deliver up where an important factor

might be working in sincere good faith. I

don?t know if greatest practices have emerged round issues like that,
however

I'm certain that your job is clearly recognized as a fair game. Each boys

and girls feel the impression of only a second’s

pleasure, for the rest of their lives.
Check out my page : nomad.tn

Anonymous said...

You really make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this matter to be actually

something that I think I would never understand. It seems too complicated and very broad for

me. I'm looking forward for your next post, I will try to get the hang of it!
Here is my web site ... blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

I'm still learning from you, as I'm trying to achieve my
goals. I definitely love reading all

that is posted on your site.Keep the tips coming. I

enjoyed it!
Feel free to surf my blog post ... http://clubbr.blogspot.ru/

Anonymous said...

Fantastic website. Plenty of useful

information here. I’m sending it to several friends ans also sharing in delicious.

And obviously, thanks for your effort!
My web site: tricks-widget-templates.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Heya i'm for the primary time here. I found this board and I in finding It really helpful & it helped me out much. I am hoping to present something again and help others like you aided me.

my homepage - Geneva Latisha
Also see my website :: trisha Zachery

Anonymous said...

After checking out a few of the blog articles on your site, I truly like your technique
of writing a blog. I added it to my bookmark
website list and will be checking back in the near future.
Take a look at my web site too and tell me your opinion.


Here is my weblog; Werner Jacquelyn

Anonymous said...

Hello there, I found your web site by the use of Google whilst searching for a related topic, your
site came up, it appears great. I've bookmarked it in my google bookmarks.
Hi there, simply changed into aware of your blog thru Google, and found that it is truly informative. I'm gonna be careful for
brussels. I will appreciate if you proceed this in future.
Lots of other folks might be benefited from your writing.
Cheers!

Take a look at my web site :: fashioned from dyeable white satin

Anonymous said...

What's up i am kavin, its my first time to commenting anyplace, when i read this paragraph i thought i could also make comment due to this sensible post.

my blog :: machines for coffee
My website :: coffee machines

Anonymous said...

I’m impressed, I have to say. Actually not
often do I encounter a blog that’s both educative and entertaining,
and let me tell you, you've gotten hit the nail on the head. Your

concept is excellent; the difficulty is something that not

enough individuals are talking intelligently about. I am very

joyful that I stumbled throughout

this in my seek for one thing regarding this.
My web site - exchangechambers.co.uk

Anonymous said...

Excellent article. I absolutely love this site.
Stick with it!

Also visit my blog ... musician keyboards

Anonymous said...

http://acheterviagragnerique1.net/ achat viagra
http://comprarviagragenerico1.net/ viagra generico
http://acquistareviagragenerico1.net/ viagra generico
http://kaufenvaigragenerika1.net/ viagra bestellen

Anonymous said...

I've been exploring for a bit for any high quality articles or weblog posts in this sort of area . Exploring in Yahoo I eventually stumbled upon this website. Studying this info So i am satisfied to convey that I have a very just right uncanny feeling I discovered just what I needed. I most undoubtedly will make certain to don?t overlook this web site and provides it a glance regularly.

Visit my web site - Carnival cruise destinations

Anonymous said...

I was curious if you ever considered changing the layout of your blog?
Its very well written; I love what youve got to say.
But maybe you could a little more in the way of content so people could connect with it better.
Youve got an awful lot of text for only having one or 2 images.
Maybe you could space it out better?

my blog ... mfortune casino

Anonymous said...

google law firm

Anonymous said...

google law firm

Anonymous said...

google law firm