Wednesday, December 12, 2007

I Sing the Body Dai-alectic


A press release by the Grievances and Slights Amelioration Committee of the Cymru Rouge ("Mon coeur est un luth suspendu"):

Our plenipotentiary representative in Occupied Swydd Henffordd (Herefordshire) has passed on a communiqué by coracle about further English exploitation of the Welsh people.

This time, the English have adopted the cunning ways of their comprador overlord Edward Longshanks (who is dead, while we are still alive, let us recall) in using a Welsh to attack a Welsh. That frankly is our job, and we're not having any of it.

The plutocrats who have literally usurped the name of Martyr Commandante Dic Penderyn and appended it to a distillery have done themselves no further favours at all by promoting their "Brecon Five Vodka" through the medium of challenging the Philosophy Department of the Valley College of Further Education.

The charges laid before the Flying Court (Marsupial Division) of the Cymru Rouge are that the Penderyn Distillery did knowingly, and with knowledge aforethought:

1. Waste Wales's scarce water resources on vodka - a drink favoured by prostitutes, "pop" singers and mink-trappers - while the hemp-clad toilers cry out for yet more ale to slake their Cambrian thirsts;

2. Usurp the name of Martyr Commandante Dic Penderyn, which belongs to the People (and is held in trust for them by the Cymru Rouge);

3. Denigrate the name of the Brecon Five, pioneers of Welsh Maoism who vanished while attempting to cultivate rice in the River Honddu;

4. Misspell the name of the Valley College of Further Edjucation.

5. Promote the cult of the rootless intellectual over the native wisdom of the Welsh Wise Woman.

6. Admire Existentialism - a philosophy banned by Cymru Rouge Edict 456/26(XIX/b:iii) "On The Rationing of Thought Allocation";

7. Verbally apply the English "language" without due consultation with the Cymru Rouge Unnecessary Surgical Procedures Subcommittee;

8. All the above, with "Conspiracy to" prefixed.

How have the bourgeois running corgis of Welsh liberalism responded? By complaining to the Advertising Standards Authority - a watchtower of the capitalist Panopticon that imprisons the workers, peasants, revolutionary-minded soldiers and public-sector employees of Wales, and possibly elsewhere too.

The answer these Dic Sion Dafydds received was a contemptuous rap on the pizzle for daring to question the Laws of Mammon.

We, the Rouge, follows the Laws of Mabon and reject the infantile, anti-Cambrian deviation that is Existentialism. With the exception of the clerical reactionary RS Thomas, no Welsh has ever sought a personal encounter with God, or yet believed in creating individual meaning in his, her or anyone else's life.

A. Our dealings with God have always been handled by highly-trained specialists, with disastrous results.

In pagan times all religious matters were the domain of druids, who prepared our troops for battle against the Romans by getting monged on 'shrooms in an oak glade, stripping off and taking orders from an astral badger.

Later, we left it to monks, until they challenged the autocracy of top Welsh lothario Henry VIII Tudor and lumbered us with the imperialist Act of Union.

Since then, it's been the preserve of Calvinists, Methodists and sometimes weird The-Fly-like combinations of both. In consequence we dropped polyphony, sex and novel musical instruments for male voice choirs, tea and piano lessons with the late Miss Roberts.

Given the failings of these theologians, the Welsh people have as one decided that they themselves as deracinated individuals are unlikely to do any better.

B. "Meaning in life" is an inherently un-Welsh concept that seeks to distract the People from their revolutionary tasks by promoting the sort of brooding self-doubt that makes the Scots what they are today.

The case of the People vs Penderyn Distillery will be heard in the coming days. Appeal against the sentence is permitted before it is carried out anyway.

Henffych!

Ta Moc Tudor - Brawd Rhif Un
Huw Samphan - Brawd Rhif Dau
Paul Pot - Brawd Rhif Tri

6 comments:

Scaryduck said...

The Distillery won, after - undoubtedly - plying the panel with their cheap gut-rot.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Another just cause of the Welsh nation hi-jacked by the Pottists, if you ask me. The advert was clearly implying that tartishly buxom women are not to be found in Wales. This is a lie, a slander and an outrage.

Here's my slogan for campaign:

"For every one of ours they deracinate, we shall defenestrate ten!"

No Good Boyo said...

M Canard, I can only admire the power of the booze lobby. They are worthy adversaries, and their methods are unanswerable. Their best hope at the Cymru Rouge tribunal is to offer the Politburo a three-day tour of their facilities. Eventually we will nationalistise them, anyway, and rename their distillery the Gavin Henson Memorial Chwisgi Emporium (Manager Comrade Sister C. Church - by which time we hope Charlotte will have dropped the clerico-fascist surname and opted for something like Grain-Silo).

GB, we take up the causes that wise men choose to shrug at and walk away. Tartish-Buxomitude is our secret weapon, as the Cymric Women's Battalion of Death link in my sidebar will establish.

Defenestration's a bit Czech for our tastes, especially as it has been statistically proven that most of the Welsh population lives in caravans and bungalows. Or in England.

The Hitch said...

I love wales, ( especialy the castles that remind you of just who is boss)
I am probably also just about the only Englishman who actualy likes Welsh people , but you cant help moaning can you?
(+:

Gyppo Byard said...

Hitch bor! Oi tell you they Welshes is oppressive to minoritieses in their midsts. Who can forgets what happened to the Border Marches Angloromani Research Centre in Brecon?

They Welshes not only wheel-clamped it, they towed it away just 'cos it was on they double yellow lines.

No Good Boyo said...

Hitch, depends on which castles. I'm fond of Dolwyddelan and Castell Y Bere myself. They may be knacked, but we built them. I don't approve of moaning, except at our designated national griping festivals such as the annual "Cwynwad" in Dinas Mawddwy, and prefer to offer constructive alternatives to our constant, never-ending, totally and utterly unacceptable oppression by the Anglo, Saxon and Jute white settlers in the Welsh Lowlands (the so-called English Entity). It's just I can't think of any at the moment.

As for you, Byard, you forget the Research Centre had been borrowed without permission from Will John's Motor Garage, Dolgellau, some months earlier, was untaxed and seemed to be populated by jugged pheasants and a tank of eels.