Monday, December 03, 2007

The Car That Ate Corris

As Mrs Boyo and, it seems, the first Ottoman Sultan so rightly predicted, I failed my driving test.

I find comfort in the words of the Ruthenian poet and amputee, Sam Dureppa, who once wrote "That which does not kill me needs less cooking", and list the faults noted by the examiner by way of enlightening the young.

1. Misuse of gear. Rolling a fat one while idling at junctions constitutes a serious fault, unless you're doing it with just one hand and not looking either.

2. Misuse of road. All four wheels must touch the road at all times, as we know, but the steering wheel and spare do not count. At least not on a test.

3. Country ways. Saying "we all kicks caravans passing the Cross Foxes near Tabor, and no one ever complained" cuts no ice with these English examiners. They neither know nor care about the Ways of the Welsh.

4. Bribery. Against the law, apparently. Doubling it gets you off, though.

I ought to have done all this when I was 17, and the test consisted of driving around the Co-op car park in Machynlleth without dribbling on the dashboard.


Gorilla Bananas said...

Nothing wrong with your steering then? I'm impressed.

No Good Boyo said...

Thanks, GB. Nope, I managed to get everything right except keeping the car under any sort of control. There's a basis to work on, at least. You don't know how lucky you are, being carried everywhere by long-slung minions.

Ordovicius said...

Better luck next time. I can't drive myself, but I can let the air out of tyres and run.

No Good Boyo said...

You are a true Welsh, Ordo. Drop-kicking the side-panels of caravans in motion at the Cross Foxes junction was my brother's favourite pastime, until he dented the rear door of some plain-clothes copper's motor by mistake. He's since switched to logging.

Gyppo Byard said...

Reading, bor? I failed once in Reading and finally passed on my 9th attempt (having previously failed 6 times in Gornal and once in Kidderminster).

I took my case to the European Court of Human Rights, demanding an ethnically sensitive test, thus:
"Nice motor. yours?"
[Ticks] "Jolly good. Licence and insurance?"
"Ain't got nones."
[Tick] "Fine. Can you read the number on that car?"
"Not til Oi sobers up, bor."
[Tick] "Good. Now - you're driving at 80 mph down a suburban road 2 feet behind the car in front, and it stops suddenly. What do you do?"
"Oi crash, and then climbs out through they sun roof and does a runner."
"Congratulations - you've passed."

M C Ward said...

Belated commiserations, irmão. I too failed the first time, for "entering and exiting the vehicle through the driver's side window" (I was a big fan of the Dukes of Hazzard, especially the long-legged Daisy). It taught me the importance of at least attempting to distinguish fiction from reality.

No Good Boyo said...

Gyppo, it's good to hear the Imperial Hinglish State is accommodating the needs of the roofless community. I gather from your nemesis, Mullins, that another concession you can claim is "eels playing up in me britches" if the examiner complains about your erratic driving.

MC, obrigado. I'd have given you an advanced driving license with a gold star for the door-window stunt. Acknowledging the difference between reality and fiction is vital, if you're going to base your life on the latter. That's why I won't watch the Dukes of Hazzard film. It's too far from the truth.

Gyppo Byard said...

"You are absolutely raving mad, with a bobble hat." [This comment coutesy of young Miss Byard, who is a great fan of any blog mentioning her.]

No Good Boyo said...

Precocious solipsism, the perogative of the lady.

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