Friday, December 14, 2007

Russia: Man the Humping Guns


Keen readers of the television, newspapers, political web blogs and the radio will know that dwarf bodybuilder Vladimir Putin has decided to let the even shorter Dmitry Medvedev become President of Russia for a while.

Was there any chance of the various opposition parties beating him, even in a bar fight? Not really:

- The democratic parties would fit neatly in the Cwmdonkin Bowls Club jacuzzi, even when it's full of friendly ladies;

- The Communists are all pensioners, and post-Soviet healthcare reforms will ensure that they're unlikely to survive until polling day;

- All the other parties were set up by the Kremlin because Mr Putin needs quadraphonic adulation to go with his mania for the 1970s (oily martinis, tinted glasses, sticking political opponents in mental hospitals, and Disco!)

How wrong we were. Comes the hour, comes the man. Yes, Beat legend Charles Bukowski has announced that he's standing for president - in Russian!

Many have written off Bukowski, saying that he doesn't have the time to build up a convincing campaign, that his work has tailed off recently, and that he died in 1994.

Anyone who's followed Bukowski's career will know that he's a better man dead than Putin is alive, and his unspoken manifesto shows a deeper understanding of Russia than that Petersburg boy scout could dream of. Consider it:

I. Putin is near teetotal, speaks German and arms Iranians.

Russians have shown throughout history that they think these are bad ideas. Candidate Bukowski stands firmly against arms, apart from the odd flick knife for one's own personal use. He was actually born in Germany, and so knows exactly what that lot are up to. His position on drink is well-documented, and broadly enthusiastic.

II. Putin has taken control of the televisions, so that they show little except his holiday films and soft porn (I didn't say he was all bad).

Russians do like propaganda and filth, but they also like boxing and poetry. Bukowski would keep the best of Putin programming, and enhance it with two-fisted action and live dissing contests with Yevgeny Yevtushenko.

III. Bukowski looks like 90 per cent of the male population of Russia, and so is able to connect with them like moonshine on an empty stomach.

Putin looks like the man at the end of the bus queue whom the monster eats first in 1950s horror films.

IV: Putin says things like this: "Russians will never allow for the development of the country along a destructive path, the way it happened in some countries in the post-Soviet space."

Bukowski says things like this:"I don't like jail, they got the wrong kind of bars in there."

V: In Californication, the David Duchovny character is clearly based on Bukowski.

Dobby, Harry Potter's house elf, is the closest Putin will get to a celluloid homage.

C'mon Ivan, if you've only got one vote, get out of bed just after noon and cast it for Hank Chinaski.

9 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Gloomy buggers, the Russians. Unlike the English, they never had a vassal nation like Wales to cheer them up. I mean the Georgians weren't a barrel of laughs, were they?

M C Ward said...

I notice your review of the Russian political scene excludes flamboyant chessman Garry Kasparov. To me, the best choice for Russian premier would be him, with Karpov King's Indian Defence Minister, and IBM's Deep Blue, Kasparov's worthy mechanical adversary, somewhere in his backroom team. The position of President should also be renamed "Grandmaster". Just look at what Grandmaster Flash, not to mention Melle Mel, have done for the USA.

Ordovicius said...

I think Putin is without any faults whatsoever, he is a political genius and should rule the world.

He also employs the most honourable of citizens, renouned for their mercurial intelligence and their commitment to the Russian people. Such as the ones who are presently entertaining me with their delightful company.

Can I go now? No, please God, not the sponge! NOT THE SPONGE!!

No Good Boyo said...

As it happens, GB, there is a wealth of Russian humour about their various vassals, all playing on their bourgeois national characteristics - greedy Ukrainians, placid Estonians, bisexual Armenians, slow-witted Turkic peoples, potato-cherishing Belarussians etc. Russian humour is rather like that of the English - ironic, surreal and fond of word play. Another reason why we Welsh are a quintissentially European people is that we share the crash humour of our Continental cousins. Discuss.

mc, Mr Kasparov has dropped out of the presidential running, I'm afraid.

As ever with Russia, it has already attempted what we Westerners can only dream about. The republic of Kalmykia is the only Buddhist-majority nation in Europe, and is doubly lucky to be a). part of Russia and b). run by a chess-obsessed nutjob called Ilyumzhinov. As for Grandmaster Flash, I doubt whether your neighbours in Colombia are as enthusiastic about his "White Lines" attack on their national economy. Mellie Mel is the scary one now in the Spice Girls, isn't he?

Ordo, count yourself lucky. It could be Nadroth, Tschtjetz and Kafka of the Ruthenian secret police (tourism dept) giving you the bed bath, not those FSB lovlies.

The Hitch said...

I quite like Vlad
He takes a no nonsense approach to miscreants, if you are lucky its 10years in the gulag, unlucky polonium 210 sushi.
This is How I would run a well ordered country. Gordon Brown would probably just flck a bogey into your food when you popped off for a pee, then isntanly regret the fact he couldnt eat it.

No Good Boyo said...

It's true that the vilest people often have the coolest policies, Hitch, but I think President Bukowski will make Putin look like the weasel-eyed weakling that he is. He'll deal with uppity US presidents by challenging them to drinking contests, and vanquish the Iranians at a Kingston-style toasting - his poetry against all their Omar Khayyam stuff. His short-term memory won't have the space for remembering who Broon is, just like everyone else's.

M C Ward said...

Kalmykia here I come. They speak Portuguese there, don't they?

No Good Boyo said...

The ladies of Kalmykia speak whatever language you like, as long as it's chess. Here's a film I believe was produced for their tourism board:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jd9mfpzUO8

jams o donnell said...

If he can get John Fante resurrected and managing the campaign then there is no way that the old dead barfly can possibly lose.