Sunday, October 07, 2007

Latin America: An Open Letter

Dear readers,

I'm often accused of being parochial. "Youse blog is all !Welsh!, mun, apart from some Eastern Europe. Show a bit of cosmo-fycin-politanism, innit?"

So I am happy to announce a series of No Good Boyo Open Letters to the people, or peoples, of the world, highlighting their shortcomings and suggesting ways in which they could overcome them.

First off are the Latin Americans. Like most newspaper-reading types I thought Latin America had sorted itself out, but then along come the likes of Snr Chavez and various disgruntled Andean rustics and -!Ay mira! - they're at it again.

A young lady from Mexico, now living in Amsterdam, complained to a colleague of mine that Europeans use the term "America" when the mean the United States. Latin America is America too, and has an untold history that the rest of the world needs to hear, she opined.

I hereby reply to her, and all of her ilk.

Dear Maria,

If that's your real name. Given that you are a female native of Mexico now resident in the Netherlands, I assume that your professional line of work permits me to call you anything I'd like for a reasonable fee.

To hear a Latin American complain of injustice pains us Europeans greatly, given the fine record your continent has on human rights, fighting drug-funded organised crime and keeping the Catholic Church in business.

This unknown history of Latin America that you mention is a catalogue of madmen building Toblerone temples in the middle of jungles, then amusing themselves with unnecessary surgical procedures and scrawling glyphs on the walls with their fishbone-spliced members.

The Aztecs thought a syphilitic Spaniard was their god, the Incas ran around the mountain tops like ninnies when there was perfectly good llamas to ride, and the Amazonian natives never quite grasped that strapping a gourd to your johnson does not a fashion statement make. There are some histories that one simply choses to know less about.

Latin America is so benighted that the only vaguely normal people who considered colonising it were clap-ridden Iberians (who were in fact looking for Indonesia), confused Scots, some religious maniacs from Bala and the remnants of the Waffen SS.

America brings to mind an image of power and plenitude, whether you approve of it or not.

Latin America conjures up the tableau of an unshaven army officer in shades shoving a cattle prod up some student's arse.

!Hasta la victoria siempre!,

No Good Boyo


Anonymous said...

Sounds like you are SCREAMING for attention, dude. I'm glad most people don't think like you :)

No Good Boyo said...

More of a history lesson, delivered in paternal tones, with a hint of chalk dust and Everton mints. Ah, the dear old school. When they build one in your country, you'll know what I mean.

Modo said...

I saw you pocket that well thumbed copy of John Kennedy Toole in the back room of Corran's Book shop. Give it back or I will tell George.

lilith said...

We are very nice to the Latin Americans. We put Pinochet up in Weybridge for months :-)

Modo said...

... I was very fond of Sergeant Demetrio Lopez Garcia (Henry Calvin... aka Wimberly Calvin Goodman) in Zorro.
In later years Henry maintained an on-going friendship with many of those he had worked with at Disney, including Guy Williams (Zorro, aka Don Diego de la Vega).
In 1973, Guy Williams was invited to return to Buenos Aires to attend a gala charity show honoring the first lady of Argentina. Guy suggested that Henry accompany him, reprising his Sgt Garcia to Guy's Zorro. Henry's health had started to fail (as evidenced by the gauntness of his once rotund physique), so the two friends relished the opportunity to work together for what would be the last time. Unlike his friend, Henry did not enjoy the trip to Argentina.

Lapa said...





He has, also, translated into Portuguese the Wealth of Nations by Adam Smith.

He has been awarded several prizes.

Don't forget the name of this great author, you'll be hearing of him soon.

Please, add this literary blog to your favourites,

Thanks for visiting.

No Good Boyo said...

I can't beat that, Senhor Lapa, but I bring your attention to a verse from the hymn "God's in His English Heaven" by Gen "Bracing" Shower, late of the 5th Baloochi Lancers:

It's hard ter damn th'Portuguee, though - Gad! - we've tried our best,
And harried him in ev'ry bay, from Swat ter far Trieste,
Nelson scoffed his sardines and The Iron Duke his port,
The Dagoes mock his small guitar and so he counts fer naught.

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