Sunday, December 09, 2007

Desert Island Dicks

Former Genesis-album magnate and human installation Ward Cooper once remarked that footballers always say their favourite television programmes are David Attenborough nature documentaries, because it makes them sound intelligent.

In a similar manner, the various captains of industry, Booker also-rans and faded party leaders who make up the Desert Island Discs guest-list allege that they like to relax to some Dvořák, their granny's old 78s and, in the case of politicians, something randomly modish with an uplifting title that their researchers tacked on at the last minute ("Things Can Only Get Better", that perennial hymn to back-passage auto-erotic stimulation "My Way", and Schoolly D's "Gucci Time").

I've yet to hear any mention of sex aids among the one luxury items these gonks select, either. ("Well, Kirsty, I'd like a Dilmaster VII, a colour photo of Caroline Quentin and a jar of goose fat, please.")

I've had enough of this, and kd lang is frankly a disappointingly bland hostess, so here's a way of livening it up, Welsh stylee.

(Druggy music, with auk accompaniment)

[Presenter Charlotte Church] Hiya, my guest today is No Good Boyo. Nice to 'ave you b'yer, Boyo, and thanks for the basque. Just one size too small, is it?"

[No Good Boyo] Aye.

[CC] Lovely. So, No Good, who is yewr nominee to spend the rest of their lives on Bardsey Island, then?

[NGB] Well, Charlotte, I'd like to nominate Glenys Bloody Kinnock.

[CC] Lady Kinnock of Lle Chwech? Orbital! And what's the first record you'd like to make her listen to endlessly, then?

[NGB] Her first record will be "Don't Rain on My Parade"...

[CC] A classic!

NGB] ... in the cover version by Japan.

[CC] Yew bastard!

(brief yet horrid snatch thereof)

[CC] Oh, Christ came to Crumlin, don't ever let that happen again! Before the next record, NG, would you like to speculate at length on the various physical indignities Baroness Kinnock could expect to endure on this windswept and possibly haunted rock, or perhaps suggest other ways of making her life miserable?

(more nasty stuff)

[CC] With gravel? Exotic! Now, tell us more about yewr next record.

[NGB] "I Mewn i'r Gôl" by the Rhos Male Voice Choir is more than just a lumpy 80s hymn of fealty to Wrexham FC, sung in grinding unison yet out of sync to an oompah backbeat. Coz I've got the 12-inch...

(on it goes)

[CC] So, when the Nigaraguan Contras have got bored with her, Glenys can recuperate with a book and a luxury item. She's already got the collected works of Daniel Owen in extra-small print and a sheaf of Plaid Cymru leaflets, so what else is she 'aving?

[NGB] I think she'd enjoy a transcript of her husband's "All Right!" speech in Sheffield, just before he achieved the near-miracle of losing an election to John Major in 1992.

[CC] And the luxury item?

[NGB] Why, Neilo himself!

(Fade out over insane cackling and the sound of lingerie snapping)

Who would you like to see go steadily mad while listening to Lou Reed album tracks on Rockall? C'mon, share the Schaden!


Gorilla Bananas said...

Charlotte Church! How she has blossomed from the pristine choir girl into the kind of buxom wench whose arse would make a female gorilla proud!

One of my few remaining ambitions in life is to induce the words "Fuck off, you cheeky beast!" from Miss Church, in an indignant, yet saucily amused, Welsh accent. Do you think my dream is achievable.

No Good Boyo said...

I think it's only a matter of time, GB. Out of interest, who - human or ape - would you consign to a desert island, assuming that's not a blessing where you come from?

Gorilla Bananas said...

It's not a blessing, but nor is it a fate we apes would recognise as just retribution. Crude mockery is more our sort of thing: a communal shaking of the buttocks in the face of the minor offender; a humiliating song, with specially written lyrics, to sung in unison for the more serious malefactor.

Many newspaper columnists would qualify for the buttocks, including Mr Kinnock's pseudo-intellectual ex-deputy. The song would be reserved for the likes of Hugo Chavez (failed honorary gorilla) and Robert Mugabe (queer-bashing tyrant).

Anonymous said...

Won't she scare the fish away?

No Good Boyo said...

GB, it's Mugabe and Chavez I'd feel sorry for if they were locked up together with Hattersley. Add your favourite, "Pussy" Jenkins (a disgraced Welsh), and Human Rights Watch will be onto us again.

Good point, Ordo, although her siren song might lure whales onto the rocks of Aberdaron. Meat for all!

M C Ward said...

Rockall's too small, and Lou Reed's too melodic and uplifting...

No Good Boyo said...

How about the English-occupied Welsh island of Lundy? The Cymru Rouge plans to site a re-edjucation camp for Labour types on it Come The Glorious Day. Lou has his moments, but the cumulative effect of his album tracks is like having to live on nougat.