Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The Body Politic

Everyone's leading the life of the mind these days. Our little shelf of the bloggery is laden with fancy types listing their favourite operas, concert works, fillums and gay singing festivals.

This is something, up with which I shall not put. As The Daily Mash has so rightly pointed out, the Inter Net was not designed for august musings but rather for downloading wrap music, one-handed perusals of Salma Hayek's modelling portfolio, and speculating about the plans of International Jewry to take over the Liberal Democrats.

I have therefore decided to devote today's blog post to lady politicians whom I would like to shtup.

1. Sarah Palin (see above)

Oh yes. A cracker in every sense of the word. She may be a Creationist, but I could persuade her of the merits of the Big Bang. One day Alaska!

Ukraine's occasional prime minister is a Carpathian confection of breasts and buttocks held together by rapunzel hair and a total lack of political sense. Mucky as a Belorussian swamp, Pani Yuliya is the one blonde I'd happily get in the (Cos)sack.

Orange, Hot and Dutch, Queen B still does it for me. Her ready access to helicopters full of cash, primo drugs and canals of XXX porn more than compensates for her advanced years. And her ability to speak Dutch suggests that her tongue is still as nimble as a Filipina go-go dancer.

On the subject of the Philippines, was any president ever more appropriately named? Tagalog is also the best language in the world for talking dirty. It's a mixture of whorehouse Spanish, suggestive grunts and lewd gestures. She's a Catholic, and so might have a nun's habit to dress up in or even her own Spanish-Inquisition-themed dungeon. Excellent.

5. The Right Hon Theresa May MP

I have had the pleasure of being trodden on by Ms May. I was taking a nap on the floor of a recording studio one night shift when La Theresa turned up for an unscheduled interview and stepped on my head. She was very sorry. I insisted that, from my perspective, she had nothing to apologise about at all.

6. Angela Merkel

Dump, frumpy and grumpy perhaps, but the Bundeskanzlerin could easily pass for Theresa May if you've been relaxing at the Munich Beer Festival for a few days and feel lonely.

7. Tzipi Livni

Her name means White Bird, if my Hebrew serves me well, and she definitely sets my dovecote astir. With her sullen glare, post-coital hairdo and imminent ability to deploy the Israeli Defence Force wherever she like, this is one Tzipora I would certainly like-a more-a.

I don't want to dig up the Divine Ulrike or anything like that, but merely seek to correct any perceived right-wing bias on my part. It's not Socialism's fault that it attracts badly-dressed shrills, as George Orwell once pointed out.


Gyppo Byard said...

If it's rehoming you'll need, Boyo, might I put in a word for decidedly foxy housing minister Caroline Flint?

One of these official pics is captioned "Caroline is shown the ropes [Hnrgh...] by staff at Rossington Welfare and Llearning [sic] Centre", but it fails to live up to its promise.

Francis Sedgemore said...

You've forgotten the fragrant Ann Widecombe.

Anonymous said...

May I humbly suggest Ilona Staller, Italian "actress" and politician?


M C Ward said...

That's gay as in happy.

Anonymous said...

Not hot for Hillary then?

Gorilla Bananas said...

La Cicciolina is still hot, as Mr Sherman has pointed out, but where's the Welsh? Glenys Kinnock ought to appear on this list, even if you'd be thinking of Anne Robinson while you were doing her.

Francis Sedgemore said...

"but where's the Welsh?"

Eluned Morgan? If not, there's always Elin Jones (one of Ieuan's babes)

Gadjo Dilo said...

Salin Palin is not real, simply something concocted by a Republican think-tank. That Condoleezza Rice is near the top of my list though. And the fella's right about Eluned Morgan. But no... I don't care if she's 90 years old, looks like a cross betwen Heidi and Princess Leia, has a daughter who is supposedly more attractive, and is about as politically accountable as my arse, La Tymoshenko's my number 1, always was and always will be.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Yulia Tymoshenko for definite (I've always had a weakness for Ukrainian blondes)(and angular Scotswomen). And I can now come out and admit that I quite fancy Condoleeza Rice, too.

I'm utterly, utterly awful at names... I'm convinced that there was a very attractive blonde lady who was in the Turkish government about a decade ago. And Michelle Bachelet was a looker before she started wearing sashes full time.

No Good Boyo said...

Thanks for the Flint tip, Gyppo. At least she has the prospect of some alternative employment in 20 months' time.

Francis, Sherman, Hugo, GB - you are all sick men. At least Hillary is a Welsh, though.

Condi don't do it for me, despite her adorable overbite. It's the hair - too brittle. One gust of wind and off it comes, leaving her looking like a tanned Nosferatu.

La Yuliya is a clear favourite, I'm glad to see.

Kevin - the lady of whom you speak is Tansu Ciller - the surname means "freckles" in Turkish. In my previous job I had a picture of her above my desk in which she was posing on top of a tank bound for Kurdistan. A delightful lady.

MC - we all feel your pain.

As for tasty Welsh ladies, Eluned and Elin lead a weak field. I've always hoped to Get Catherine Zeta Jones on the Cymru Rouge ticket. Or on something, anyway.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Boyo, you are a gentleman and scholar.

Mrs Pouncer said...

Look, can this be over soon? I can't join in, and I can tell that Kevin's getting weary. Can you do something where I get to mention my nurse's uniform again?

No Good Boyo said...

Very well, Mrs P. I shall oblige you shortly.

Ms Scarlet said...

Yeah . . . who have we got to choose from . . . John Prescott? David Cameron? Or David Miliband? UGH.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Could we conflate half-a-dozen blogs with the idea of Gordon Brown in a nurse's uniform cleaning the toilet with a Dyson?

Kevin Musgrove said...

Could I rescind that image?

I've just spent ten minutes being physically sick.

Anonymous said...

NGB, you missed out the following:

Carme Chacon, the Spanish Defence Minister:

Stefania Prestigiacomo (Italian Minister for the Environment) and Mara Carfagna (same government, Minister for Equal Opportunities):

'I'm convinced that there was a very attractive blonde lady who was in the Turkish government about a decade ago.'

Are you talking about Tansu Ciller (the first female PM of Turkey)? You do realise that her husband had close ties with the Turkish mafia, don't you?:

Oh, almost forgot ... she's not quite a politician, but Bashar Asad's wife is quite hot as well. Mind you, if you shtupped her I'd hate to think what would happen to you. It's generally not advisable to cuckold someone who has a secret police force and terrorist proxies at his disposal:

Anonymous said...

I should also add here that Ms Timoshenko's daughter shares her mother's pulchritude. She's also married to a heavy metal musician from Leeds.

No Good Boyo said...

Mr Ashes,

Thanks for your valuable contributions. I shall research Spain further.

Others have raised the issue of consorts, including The Lovely Queen Rania of Jordan. She, like Mrs Assad, is out of bounds for the reasons you cite (sigh).

As for young Yevheniya Tymoshenko, I have spent an evening with her and her charming huband. Boots never knew what they were for until she wore them.

Greg Lewis said...

Angela Merkel: a step too far.

Kevin Musgrove: a Gordon Brown in nurse's outfit fantasy too far.

NGB: Keep assembling the top team for the revolution.

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

Dump Merkel. The employment minister Ursula von der Leyen is a babe, especially considering she's got 6 kids.

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