Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Dis aliter visum


"2009" was inscribed on one of the many milestones that the Boyo charabanc dislodged on its Cambrian career through the last 13 moons. Each month brought new triumphs and challenges, but not that I noticed. Let us get kinkily Fabian for a moment and carry out an annual audit.

Summary: Overall, the number of No Good Boyo posts halved on the year, a pleasing result for the leader of a movement dedicated to the overthrow of the productive aspects of capitalism while retaining its viciousness.

Prospectus: This Celtic indolence won us the accolade of 47th Welshest Web Blog in the World - a stunning drop from 10th in 2008. We pledge to improve on these figures in 2010 by sending No Good Boyo plunging into the lowers hundreds - the Cantrefi Gwaelod of torpor to which all Welsh would aspire if they could be arsed.

This we will achieve by writing less frequent and longer pretentious posts, fattened as ever by abstruse foreign tags and cinematic references. The subject matter - my Neronic debauch of Eastern Europe in its man-made fibres period, plans for the same in Wales, political extremism, vague longings for librarianly women on television, and further excerpts from my 25 years of lolling at the taxpayers' expense. And that's a promise. Now, to the detail.

January saw me take on the antick duties of Cotsengi (Hound of the Ladygarden), the hereditary inquisitor of would-be-Windsor princesses, on the demise of Sir Dai Llywellyn. His spurs and stirrups have stood me in good stead, especially when assessing twins.

February we dedicated to Santes Dwynwen, such was its Welshness. The Cymru Rouge vanquished the penny-dreadful Poujadists of the British People's Alliance, scorned comparisons between our witch-peaked principality and the sodden marshes of Atlantis, and persuaded Mancunian sage Professor Norman Geras that aesthetics, eugenics, heredity, expediency and the Will of God trump liberty every time by citing the case of nudistry.

March marked the passing of the holiday-home-scorching torch of Cymreictod from one generation to another, as stepfather of the nation Sioba Siencyn wandered off among the menhirs of Lud and our son Bendigeidfran (pictured above) served notice on Angles, Saxons, Jutes, Hemps and whatever that the Day of Glyndŵr slouches closer on all fours.

April heralded the launch of the Cymru Rouge abroad, as we hammered the Scots and pledged to save the English from themselves again by completing the Cerne Abbas Giant. The harvest will be reaped at the 2010 general election with the sickle of Siluarianism, when the Thames Valley will return a shrieking phalanx of black-clad child MPs to promote Maoist-Mabonism in the maw of Mammon.

May displayed the European dimension of our native largesse as I recalled how a young Englishman was tutored in the ways of the Welsh by a trainee nymphomaniac called Delyth, several spiked ales, a ruck of rugby players and the noble Bohemian art of defenestration.

In June I continued to unravel the remaining threads of the New Labour tapestry. In a show of appeasing Baroness von und zu Kinnock, for fear that she might use her new position as Minister for Europe to thwart our holiday plans, I incidentally listed her most outstanding shortcomings. Mr Brown must have noticed this, as he rapidly shifted her to liaison with dozy countries and the UN.

Wales's own first minister, Rhodri Morgan, in July tasked me with encouraging immigration by affluent metro uitlanders. I came up with seven cracking reasons why Wales is the place to live. Morgan's resignation followed in December, and was deemed by the unkind to be an eighth.

August went down in history as the month some slackers voted me the 47th most intense Welshman on the Intern Net, and prompted me to give the following assurance:

I pledge to the people of Wales that I shall not cease from recounting my abuse of Soviet hospitality, fatal cocktail recipes, inaccurate film reviews, scorn for the public-spirited and desire to mate with various fading, and in some cases deceased, 1960s celebrities.

The reference to fading stars came back to haunt me that very same month, when Gordon Brown rejected my campaign to have Fennella Fielding's birthday enshrined as a national festival of anti-jihadist defiance. No 10 flaunted its dhimmitude by dubbing my patriotic efforts "not in accord with government policy". Just wait until May, Herr Braun; Mr Cameron strikes me as the sort of chap who appreciates a finely-turned fetlock whatever its vintage.

In September I reclaimed the name "Britain" for all of Wales, although my suggestion that Israel should rename itself "Nelson Mandela" did not win such universal approval.

I added my many voices to the campaign to commemorate Iolo Morganwg, the inventor of modern and Medieval Wales, with a cromlech on Primrose Hill. It gave me the opportunity to extol the fine Cambrian virtues of theft and deceit throughout October. We are not unique in being a bunch of lying tea-leaves, but who else has elevated it into a national epos?

Nepotism is also a characteristic that we prize, sensibly enough as some of our mountainous counties regard incest as a competitive sport, so I was proud in November to recommend my brother Steffan ap Morthwyl fab Boyo as leader of the less intelligent wing of the English Left.

He combines the timing of Arthur Scargill with the appeal of the Kinnocks, and would give Labour plenty of opportunity to get used to opposition.

And in December our daughter Arianrhod reminded me that the title of Most Welshest Boyo must constantly be defended, like Offa's Antifaschistische Schutzwall itself. While trailing through the sports and weaponry section of John Lewis, a leading Welsh workers' cooperative retail unit, out of all the misshapen baubles she chose a rugby ball.

Above my work trough hangs a draft election poster. I stare out at the voter, above the slogan "Êtes-vous plus Gallois que Lui?" Once I eyed it complacently. Now I'm not so sure.






52 comments:

Kevin Musgrove said...

why are UKIP letting you have their draft election posters?

Anonymous said...

Well done Boyo. Here's to another year of Silurian success.

Gadjo Dilo said...

And does young Arianrhod also gravitate to the leeks in the greengrocer's and to the pile of natural slate roof tiles in Sainsbury's Homebase? I want to believe this, and you must therefore make it true.

Ian Plenderleith said...

You modestly neglect to mention that in July you hosted an international blogging convention that allowed us to drink wine and talk shite while the traditional English summer pounded on your conservatory roof. Readers, our Boyo serves up a worthy slab of lamb while entertaining his guests with pre-fabricated, wilfully verbose anecdotes from his cranial archive. Mrs Boyo, in contrast, is reassuringly sane. I hereby renew my subscription for 2010, and pledge to impose on you again once the skies cloud over.

No Good Boyo said...

New Year greetings to you all from snowbound Berks. A chum and I planned to take over the local branch of UKIP and run it as a Blimpish parody. Sadly it was all too well populated, and not by comic types at all. Think people who won't eat French cheeses. Didn't seem to mind Frankfurters, though.

Diolch Simon. I aim for a fair-sized Cymru Rouge group at Westminster that I can then purge at leisure.

Slate makes for good eatin' where I come from, Gadjo, and leeks are for waving. Only a madman would eat those triffid onions.

Pop, you were the perfect guest, and your discretion about Mrs Boyo's evident certifiability earns you a return visit and the release of Mrs Pop from our cellar typography by Beltane.

Gareth Williams said...

A sophisticated statistical analysis of your soi disant 'My Life Wasted' suggests you will be putting up 15 posts this year. Whilst this arc makes for beautiful and disturbing symmetry, I don't like the trend.

Workings below:

2006 - 15
2007 - 36
2008 - 70
2009 - 36
2010 - ? ..... 15!

Gadjo Dilo said...

Strewth, Gaw's really done some work on this - get Inkspot in, he'll know what all this means.

Gorilla Bananas said...

47th out of how many is the unanswered question. There might have been an explosion of Welsh blogs over the year. More posts about the Cymru Rouge and phrases like "witch-peaked principality" might restore you to your rightful position. Does "Wales" means "Witch's tits" in some obscure language?

No Good Boyo said...

My life peaked in 2008, by the looks of it. I'll try to break out of this Fujiform blogflow, I will.

That is the question, indeed to goodness, GB. And I answered it in August when I cited self-generated statistics that the number of Welsh bloggers has increased as "unemployment makes hunching over your computer in a Hong Kong Phooey dressing gown (minus bandana) a credible career option."

"Wales" means "big fish" in some English and "wells" in Edinburgh. "Witch's tits" in Welsh is "bronau'r wrach", if that helps. It's a common exclamation in parts of Nefyn, and a delicacy among the burghers of Bethesda.

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

Aaaah she looks just like you.

No Good Boyo said...

They both do. But inside they are flinty little Mrs Boyoes.

No Good Boyo said...

Dear Dan,

Fat Lo is only repeating tittle-tattle from the Raffles porter's lodge. The procedure wasn't available outside Marrakesh in those days.

The Duchess of Windsor is dead. Leave her in peace.

Mark Sanderson said...

47th is still top 50. Although I've no truck with for being competitive enough to aim for, say, the low twenties in 2010.

xerxes said...

Arianrhod tells me that a bobble hat makes the rugby ball look like her dad.

No Good Boyo said...

I'm filling up, guys. For my feminine child to compare my crowned head to the Asymetrical Orb of Glory is the Welshest thing that's ever happened, to me or the world.

Gyppo Byard said...

Where's my prize for the last thread?

No Good Boyo said...

Apologies Gyppo, you are indeed the winner of the Cader Idris award. It was the mountain on which I was conceived.

The Order of the Charred Lung of Llwchwr (III Class) is heading your way in a cleft stick borne by a shrieking, hemp-clad child soldier. He also bears the Cymru Rouge call-up papers that accompany the award. Prepare for victory on the Ludlow Front!

Gyppo Byard said...

I am deeply honoured.

Just don't forget that I follow the traditional marcher rules of loyalty - skulk about until victory is assured before rushing to the aid of the winner, and then removing the gold teeth of the losers for personal use.

No Good Boyo said...

オテモヤン San,

Twins! How did you guess?

And yes, I am interested in earning more about the advantages to me and my family of dying for the God-Emperor.

The Birdwatcher said...

Mate have a good 2010. Keep it flowing your good value for a Wleshman.

No Good Boyo said...

Thanks Watcher, I model myself on the Severn. I start in Wales, but somehow always end up in England.

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