Sunday, October 05, 2008

The Protocols of the Elders of Capel Seion

University types and Guardian commentators have, with typical bourgeois boorishness, robbed the stevedore and Thuringian infantryman of their sole remaining pleasure - anti-Semitism.

Whereas they were once damned for running department stores and undermining the Ludendorff Offensive, Jews are now accused of controlling the British Liberal Democratic Party and their own country, not to mention the world.

Nonsense, of course. A Jewish world would be neater, better-fed and more musical than this lot, although there's only a certain amount of Diet Coke one can take.

Middle class extremists are obsessed with political influence. They skip over the boring stuff Marx wrote about the economy and go straight to Lenin's cut-out-and-keep guide to taking over useless countries. All they think they need is a newspaper and the willingness to get up early in the morning.

It is all the more surprising, then, that they've failed to condemn the one nation that has spent a millennium systematically wrecking political parties. I speak of us Welsh, and here is the charge sheet.

1. The British Liberal Party. In 1906 the Liberals all but wiped out the Tories, leaving the latter in the hands of porcelain pansy Arthur Balfour and Canadian mute Bonar Law with only Ulstermen for comfort. The Liberals invented pensions, built Dreadnoughts and bullied their betters in the House of Lords. They led us in defence of gallant Belgium. Their leader was a Classicist.

Then they dropped Asquith in favour of David Lloyd George, who strapped the Liberals onto the scabby flanks of the Conservative Party and spurred his gullible colleagues on into electoral oblivion.

The Liberals showed some signs of revival during the Second World War under their Scottish leader Archibald Sinclair, but Montgomery's Clement Davies took over just to time to drag them back to six MPs representing escaped convicts on exposed moors.

Another Scot, Jo Grimond, began their rehabilitation, and the Liberals perked up considerably under the vulpine dandy Jeremy Thorpe - and who wouldn't? But the leader was lost when he found himself accused alongside a pair of Welsh businessmen, John Le Mesurier and George Deakin, of conspiracy to murder.

The plucky Libs rallied again to the Braveheart banner of Scotsman David Steel (can you see the pattern here, people?), only to have it dragged through the bog-snorkelling ditch of despond by Taffmesiter Dr David "Llywellyn" Owen and his Alliance of Evil.

The Liberal Democrats have not been doing badly of late, but that's largely because we've transferred our Silurian attentions to the major parties. Watch out for adopted Welsh Lembit Öpik, though. He's bidding to be President of the party, and owes us one after the way he treated the lovely Siân Lloyd.

2. The Conservative Party. This has been a tougher nut to crack. The Tories are often called the Stupid Party by people who win far fewer elections than they do, but if there's one thing a Tory can spot it's a Welsh in his midst.

For this reason we have had to use guile. Selwyn Lloyd did what he could to wreck both the Eden and Macmillan governments from within, but Supermac gave him the Supersack in 1962. In revenge we activated Mandy Rice-Davies, and the Profumo Affair pretty much did for the Tories.

We can't claim credit for the shark-toothed disaster that was Edward Heath, and dropped the ball badly over Mrs Thatcher. It took over ten years to get her in our triangulation of fire from North West Clwyd MP Sir Anthony Meyer, Portalbot baronet Sir Geoffrey Howe and Welsh Guardsman Michael Heseltine.

Since then we've found the odd easy lob - Ffion Hague, Michael Howard - has kept the Tories hors de combat. Once again, however, we face a Scottish challenger in the form of Young Cameron, and are working fast to get Monmouthshire MP and prize buffoon David "Top Cat" Davies into a position where he can cause real damage.

3. The Labour Party. Long insulated by its thick layer of Scots, Labour suffered few direct hits in its early decades:
  • It got over Aberavon MP Ramsay MacDonald.
  • Colonial Secretary Jimmy Thomas failed to detonate until well after the 1929-1931 Labour Government had fallen.
  • Aneurin Bevan backfired on us too.
Indeed, it wasn't until the 1980s that we got into our stride against Labour. Sacrificing the pawn of a Welsh parliament in the 1979 referendum was a stunning start to a campaign that involved planting Ebbw Vale MP Michael Foot and Neil "Bloody" Kinnock as party leaders in succession. Labour's subsequent loss of the 1992 election to Kaspar Hauser impersonator John Major remains our finest hour.

Labour under neo-Scotsman Tony Blair proved impervious to our efforts. He identified and neutralised our sleeper, Prestatyn-born John Prescott, early on, and took the premature explosion of Martyr Ron Davies in his stride.

As for Gordon Brown, we're genuinely baffled. Our best genealogists have found no Welsh blood in his ancestry. For the time being we're happy to leave him to it, while we concentrate on:

4. Plaid Cymru. That's right. Not since the doomed Social Democratic Party (Roy Jenkins, David Owen, Welsh-in-law Shirley Williams, anyone?) has any political group been so farshtopt mit Walizers.

Spoilt for choice, we've unleashed some of our finest saboteurs on our own national party. Dafydd Elis Thomas, Ieuan Wyn Jones and Helen Mary Jones should be enough to teach party chairmen the Lloyd George Rule - They've Got Three Names: You're Out of the Game.


Evelyn Waugh once wrote "We can trace almost all the disasters of English history to the influence of Wales". And England is still making lots of history for us to trample over with our loping, lupine tread.

Bear in mind too that "Waugh" as a surname is cognate with "Welsh". Do I have to draw you a map?


Anonymous said...

We are all Welshmen now.

Gorilla Bananas said...

The same principle surely applies to sporting events when the Welsh infiltrate British ranks. Eddie "The Eagle" Edwards eclipsed his team mates by excelling at being bad. And an incredibly shifty Welshman by the name of Tony Lewis once captained England at cricket to ill effect. It's a kind of martyrdom operation that they specialise in.

Welshwalker said...

Excellent analysis.
However, it seems that NuLabour don't need our help at the moment in self destruction. More's the pity.
Can you extrapolate this concept worldwide - surely someone from our Diaspora has caused havoc in other political parties?
We need to train someone up to go to China. This can be our historical role - a sort of political Judas.

Kevin Musgrove said...

If it weren't for the Tudors we'd still be owners of most of France.

The Welsh can't be all bad then...

Gadjo Dilo said...

Speaking of Welsh troublemakers, France and anti-Semitism, wasn't Jacques Hughes the name of that geezer in the "Dreyfus affair"?

Welshwalker said...

My Nan once told me that our family was descended from an illustrious member of the People's Party of Judea.
How proud I am of that!

No Good Boyo said...

GB: as Hugo has pointed out, we are legion and we break everything. The persistence of Glamorgan County Cricket Club is proof enough of our effort to destroy all English sport.

Welshwalker, excellent idea. I am preparing an account of how Welsh expats ruined many a fine country - real and imaginary.

Kevin and Gadjo have both hit on the Franco-Welsh axis of envy, which was sealed in my home town of Dolgellau by Owain Glyndwr and a French emissary whom our dear prince had made up. And yes, every history lesson about Dreyfus was disrupted by cries of ."Hey, is that Jack Huws the milkman, sir?"

Gyppo Byard said...

"Every history lesson about Dreyfuss..."

You mean you had more than none at all? Mind you, I did drop history before O level despite loving the subject in order to avoid my school's supernaturally incompetent, bullying git of a history teacher whose name - you will be unsurprised to learn - was Jenkins.

xerxes said...

"Walizer". I hadn't known that. Shall we learn that waltzing is Welsh and that Richard Strauss had an auntie from Llareggub?

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

I dunno, old Lech Wałęsa did all right in Poland, and I have it on good authority that his name means "Welsh". I always imagine him on his first day as President, being shown round the Palace and spotting some bad wiring. "Hang on a minute, boyo, I'll just get me screwdriver out ..."

Mrs Pouncer said...

What's all this jizm from Cyfeilllion Llyn, then?
I try to keep it quiet, but although raised in a Thames-side village of olde worlde charme, I was born in Liverpool: not my fault; my mother happened to be there at the time.
The Bardsey Crown has been well looked-after at the Merseyside Maritime Museum, but suddenly they demand its return to 'the burial site of 20,000 Celtic saints', and if necessary they will 'take action'. WTF? I don't want my hometown strafed by the Welsh. They wouldn't win, anyway.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Gyppo, I also gave up history before O level, I just couldn't see the point of History as a subject: "It's happened and there's nothing anyone can do about it, so get over it", I said to them.

Nice image of Lechy "Sparks" Wałęsa there!

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

I was on hols in Devon a few years ago - Ilfracombe if I'm not mistaken - when a boatload of Welsh turned up on a day trip. By the time they left (those who hadn't missed the boat that is) there wasn't a pub left untrashed in the pretty fishing village. An 80-year old giant crab shell was destroyed. A middle aged bottle blonde lying in the street had to be carted away by the local rozzers. Atavistic behaviour of the worst kind.

Kevin Musgrove said...

'the burial site of 20,000 Celtic saints' is a wrecked chippie in Toxteth

No Good Boyo said...

Gyppo, another way in which we Welsh are undermining England is through our near-monopoly on the education and librarian trades. Of which more later.

Inkspot, waltzing and all other contact dancing is still banned in much of Wales - as are Germans. We encourage rugby instead.

Lech we are happy to claim as our own. Daphne. He gave a droll account of his visit to Windsor Castle/Buck House (I forget which), when the bed was so big he couldn't find Mrs Wałęsa. Who, after eight children, must have had her first night's sleep in ages.

Robyn Lewis, the head of Cyfeillion Llyn, is a Grade A timewaster and traitor to the Red Book of Hergest. As any true Cymru Rouge cadre knows, Liverpool is part of Wales.

And Mrs Pouncer, if you want to see what happens when we strafe a town, read Daphne's account of the Lay of Ilfracombe.

The "middle aged bottle blonde lying in the street" was one of our Force de Ap Shag Brigade. She had exhausted the entire Lifeboat Rescue Crew before dealing with the local Peelers.

'the burial site of 20,000 Celtic saints' is a wrecked chippie in Toxteth:

Kevin, just ask yourself who wrecked it. "Exegi monumentum aere perennium".

xerxes said...

Oh, Boyo. It's "perenniuS aere", the comparative form.

Well, if you're going to ban contact dancing, pointless nit-picking is a better substitute than rugby.

Mrs Pouncer said...

He's right! Lege et lacrima, Boyo.

No Good Boyo said...

maxima culpa, slip of the pen from a slip of a puer.

xerxes said...

Read'em and weep, the traditional gloat of the winner at poker, under discussion at my place.

Boyo, any more news of Shag Force Alpha?
The Irish auxiliary has shown up in our street, and advance warning of the main body would be appreciated.

Kevin Musgrove said...

"Another way in which we Welsh are undermining England is through our near-monopoly on the education and librarian trades."

Wrong tense. Job done. Take the word of One Who Knows.

Welshwalker said...

Let me commend to you a couple of excellent Welsh 'spokes in the wheel' of politics...

Morgan 'the Organ' (advisor to Barack Obama), Chris 'Pants' Bryant (MP Rhondda) and last but not least, Sion Simon (Minister for the Strange).

If Barack Obama loses the presidency we will know why!

No Good Boyo said...

Inky, surprise and depravity are our two main weapons. Watch the animals; they're always the first to know.

One day, Kevin, the Hague Tribunal will turn up at the College of Librarianity, Aberystwyth, and it'll make Nuremberg look like Quakerfest '46.

It's true, Walker, that there appears to be no Welshes in the McCain McCamp. Even Mrs Palin, who seemed like one of us, appears to be a mere Saxon throwback.

Anonymous said...

'I am preparing an account of how Welsh expats ruined many a fine country - real and imaginary.'

Dick Cheney and Hillary Clinton have Welsh ancestors. That will do surely:

'I dunno, old Lech Wałęsa did all right in Poland, and I have it on good authority that his name means "Welsh".'

Sadly not. The Polish word for Welsh is 'walijski'. I should know, because when I worked in Warsaw in 1994 I'd always say 'Jestem walijski, nie angielski'.

The 'ł' letter in Polish is pronounced as a 'w', while 'ę' is pronounced as 'en', so to be perfectly pedantic 'Wałęsa' is actually 'Va-wen-sa' (although the Kashubian minority described in Gunter Grass' novels insist that's it's actually 'Throat-Wobbler-Mangrove').

Sorry folks, but Lech isn't one of ours.

Dominic said...

As you probably know, a Mr Hughes coal-mine speculator founded Donetsk, Ukraine (as Iuzovka "Hughesovka"), from which pit of hell the next fat buffoon thug President of Ukraine (give it a few weeks) will more likely than not have sprung. Maybe his ancestors knew laver bread en route to his forthcoming re-authoritarianising of Ukraine.

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