Saturday, July 28, 2012

Recoil after Volleyball

I missed the Olympic opening celebration of Britishness, because I fell asleep reading a Max Hastings book. That's how Daily Telegraph I am.

Danny Boyle did himself proud, I'm sure, but only if his show featured:

  • Steptoe & Son;
  • couples taking their dogs for romantic weekends in Cotswold hotels;
  • Mrs T trailing a bottle of Bells about her bedroom, wearing slippers made of Argies and miners;
  • students trying to force down a Guinness;
  • Ollie Reed mumbling an apology to an understanding Eddie Izzard;
  • pink-eyed kids marching down a Newcastle street, playing kazoos;
  • synchronised tutting;
  • Sir Sean Connery wearing one of the Scottish man-skirts, pissed on a Marbella beach;
  • The Question Time audience waking up in Iran;
  • Shaky wrestling Richard out of Richard & Judy; and
  • Edward VIII finding out the hard way that Wallis Simpson was a man.

All narrated by the ghost of John Osborne. Anything less, and we might as well be westerly Dutchmen.


Gorilla Bananas said...

I would like think Mrs Simpson was a shemale rather than a man. That wouldn't have stopped Edward finding out the hard way, as recent clips posted on Tube 8 will attest.

No Good Boyo said...

Wales knows only men and women, GB. If she weren't a bird, she were a bloke. Final. I thought Tube 8 was a type of glue, but now I stand chastened.

jams o donnell said...

It should have had all of the above, standing still in a queue for six hours

No Good Boyo said...

That, Jams, would be the ideal venue for the synchronised tutting.

SnoopyTheGoon said...

Scottish man-skirts? Oh man, you have just hastened the departure of a certain Northern territory from the United K.

A certain Prìomh Mhinistear was just waiting for the occasion...

No Good Boyo said...

Snoop, I thought I'd done my best with this effort:

While in this over-excited state [a Scotchman] once asked me why the Welsh don't wear kilts, dirks and bogardes like our Caledonian cousins. "Because it's 1997 and trousers are no longer the preserve of our masters," I replied, although I could have suggested he ask the suited, booted Frenchmen, Germans and Spaniards around us why they weren't sporting periwigs, Pickelhauben and tricornes.

(still don't know how to embed links in comments, sorry)

although I did mitigate it here:

My guess is that an independent Scotland would hold together fine. Bear in mind that, however inept its government might be, all Europe, much of Britain and some of the larger beasts will lend Scotland every assistance for the sheer devilry of annoying the Tory Party. Who knows, Scotland may one day rival the Isle of Man as the Celts' least chaotic polity.

Vicus Scurra said...

I particularly enjoyed the re-enactment of the Battle of Marston Moor by the royal ballet, but could not work out why Kevin Keegan was playing the part of Prince Rupert.

No Good Boyo said...

There's no doubt Keegan was a Cavalier, Vic, much as Vinnie Jones was a Roundhead. Football is continuation of the Civil War by other means.

Jon said...

I missed it. I'm not ashamed. I might have watched it had it featured a touching clinch between VR and John Broon, but I understand Boyle chickened out

Kevin Musgrove said...

We couldn't understand why there wasn't more Bruce Forsyth

white rabbit said...

And whatever happened to Wallis Simpson's gynaecologist? Sleeps with the feeshes somewhere off Bermuda after being whacked By Edward W's footman Igor to secure his silence of course.

Silly question really.

Ron Combo said...

I went to John Osborne's memorial service. Dripping with the Great and the Good. Nicked the seating plan on the way out, got pissed in The French House and left it on a windowsill after boring the regulars glassy-eyed about it. Could probably have flogged it on e-Bay for four or five quid now. Live and learn.

Indigo Roth said...

Hey, bach! A damned fine summary, if I may say so! The stuff that bad dreams are made of. Of course, I thought No Good Boyo dreams of "Nothin'"? Hmmm. More please, sir! Indigo

No Good Boyo said...

It's difficult to image a world with too much Bruce. I've toyed with the idea of a show called "Hoofer vs Troofer", in which a splendiferous dancer and a crab-eyed 9/11 just-asking-questioner swap roles. This week, Lionel Blair wonders whether MI5 killed that rose-growing lady in Shropshire while Robert Fisk limbos on down.

Ron - my father shared a wine merchant with Osborne in Shrewsbury. They met once, but neither was able to record the exchange for a variety of reasons.

Thanks Indigo, you are one of the few colours permitted throughout Wales.

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